E-tarded: A Night to De-Member

*This post has undergone a much-needed edit and is being published again to better clarify my intentions

Okay, guys.

WTF?

I just got off the phone with a female friend of mine. Our conversation was about your penis.

Yes, yes it was.

Before she called me, she had been happily chatting with YOU. She was a little excited, thinking that you were attractive and fun, and that it seemed like things were moving along nicely toward the point that she could find herself comfortable enough to consider pulling out her best moves in the sexual encounter that she could now picture herself engaging in with you. She was starting to think about having sex with you, because you had made it to her intellectual second base and now she was picturing you naked. Oh, how close you came, buddy.

But you blew it. You blew it big time.

You did something so horrendously inappropriate that she felt compelled to call me and ask me just what in the hell she should do now.

Guys, honestly... This is a problem. You can't just whip it out. I don't understand why, but there is obviously a lot of confusion about this issue. Let's just try to clear it up now, okay?

You can't do it in public. If you do, you're legally considered a sexual predator and can be arrested for it. It is considered unsolicited sexual behavior, etc...

But let's just break it down, alright?

It's just not polite to point. It's REALLY impolite to point at certain areas of a person's body, and that appendage of yours has a pretty accurate guidance system. Besides which, women kind of put phalluses in the same threat category as vampires in that they aren't supposed to comfortably move about in daylight, religious symbolism is supposed to AT LEAST slow them down, and they can't come in unless they're invited. Start operating outside of those standards, and you do to the dating game what 28 Days Later did to zombies; you now have something inflamed and enraged that you can't even outrun, AND IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO FREAKIN' WORK THAT WAY.

Unless we specifically get freaky and ASK you for a picture of your member, sending it to us will upset us on a number of levels. It may surprise you to learn that what often upsets us the most is the massive responsibility that you've thoughtlessly heaved onto the unsuspecting woman who's now in a staring match with Mr. Cyclops.

Pray tell, O man, what is the response that you're expecting?

Try to think with the big head for just a second. Okay, good.. now that the blood is flowing back into the area of your body that is (supposedly) where your seat of empathy lies, try to put yourself in the sweaty pumps of your potential partner. What in the FUCK is she supposed to say when you abruptly STOP talking and start just hanging out the one part of your body that you are the most emotionally fragile about? It is, at once, both the most disrespectful shortcut to her girlie parts that you could possibly take, and the greatest self-inflicted punishment a man could dream up, and you've left the determination between those two extremes solely at the discretion of the stunned woman who didn't plan on talking to your dick today.

If you're sadist or a masochist, or you're looking for a sadist or a masochist, then MAYBE this could be a really quick way of getting through a singles event. Even then, its kind of a dick move (pardon the pun).

Again, I implore you to look at this from our perspective. Prematurely exposing your most private of parts is interpreted by a woman as a "put out or get out" alert, and it usually comes at time that she's just getting a tingle of sexual attraction to you. You've as good as told her that you're not interested in getting to know her anymore and you're not wasting another breath talking to her unless she takes a good look at your dick and says "yeah, I'll just hop right on that". Most women will not declare themselves ready for boarding just at the sight of dick, and if they do, there is something wrong with her. Either she's got boundary issues that will manifest themselves into various degrees of psychosis in the near future, or she's got other souvenirs to give you that you're not going to want cluttering up your travel-bags later on.

In order to make it clear that she is NOT a slut or anything like what I described in the previous paragraph, she cannot be too positive in whatever she says about the unexpected penis before her. She ALSO knows that if she says anything negative, it could end the relationship then and there when you shrink up like a scared turtle. More than that, given the extreme sensitivity that men exhibit at ANY and EVERYTHING related to their penises, she's not sure if you're going to come away from this with a permanent wound that she didn't mean to inflict.

How is this fair, man? You guys flip out about your independence and freedom when we ask why you didn't call, as though we were trying to shove a GPS tracking device in your anus. We're usually asking because you usually call. When you didn't, we were probably concerned for a variety of reasons, not the least of which include "Oh shit, is he dead? This guy texts me fifteen times a day and today I haven't heard from him in ten hours". Goddamn.. how dare we forget to read your mind and understand that THIS is the day you were going to pretend that you're Rambo and you're going into the bush (haaa..) for two weeks and can't be contacted til all the bad guys are little smouldering bloody piles in the jungle.

See, in one situation, we're expected to extricate ourselves with all the precision of a neurosurgeon, carefully avoiding any damage to the highly sensitive areas that we now can't HELP but be in direct contact with. In the other, if we show the slightest bit of concern when a situation moves from "status: normal" to "WTF", we're treated like soul-sucking harpies, hell-bent on emasculating you by demanding that you show us common courtesy.

This sexual faux-pas seems to happen more often than ever, what with the ready availability of camera phones. Before everyone had cameras in their phones, there were digital cameras and chatrooms. I had a few girlfriends that used to hang out in the same online social areas that I did, and between us, we had pictures of almost every guy who frequented that same area. We went so far as to play "Guess That Screenname!", trying to match the dick to the dickhead who sent it. This is not as cold and cruel a practice as you guys might think. This was us, making the best out of an awkward and uncomfortable situation. We felt lucky to have each other, because at least we had someone to bounce a sample response off of whenever cock would invariably show up in our inboxes, with little to no warning of its arrival.

Which leaves me where I am today. Having gone through an entire conversation that revolved around:

1: Not hurting a guy's feelings
2: Not being a slut
3: Preserving that guy's chance at ACTUALLY GETTING SOME
4: Trying to appropriately handle an extremely inappropriate situation
5: Justifying the continuation of a heterosexual lifestyle, despite godawful problems like this that come with it.

Oh, and we did talk about length, girth, color, angle, and all of the other shit you're probably worrying about. This was mainly a way to diffuse the discomfort of the situation that this girl had found herself in. Trust me when I say this... unless you've got a serious case of micropenis or there were visible surface abnormalities, we didn't judge you by any of those penile stats that I mentioned.

We DID, however, judge you for sending it to her. That's strike one, provided you haven't done anything even dumber before this. If you're smart, you'll apologize.

Here are some GOOD and BAD ways to try and recover from exposing yourself like the quintessential pervert with a trenchcoat:

-GOOD-
"I'm sorry. That was really impulsive of me. I'm just so turned on by you that I did it without thinking. I hope we can move on from this really out-there thing that I did"

-BAD-
"Now how's about some quid pro quo, baby?"

-GOOD-
"I'm really feeling kind of shy and embarrassed about sending that pic. I want to ask you what you think about it, but it wasn't cool of me to put you on the spot like that"

-BAD-
"Can we fuck now?"

-GOOD-
"Ok, ok... my bad. You don't have to say ANYTHING. Let's let it go, and you will see it in person if and when you WANT to see it. I did something that was very inconsiderate of you and I'm sorry. I just got excited and was being an idiot"

-BAD-
"No, seriously. I need to see a picture of your vagina RIGHT NOW. Unless I can get delivery in 30 minutes or less? Plz?"

In short (and if you're gonna send us a picture of it, you better pray that it ISN'T), COULD YOU PLEASE STOP SENDING US UNSOLICITED DICK PICS?

Thank you. This Public Service Rant has been provided to the general public courtesy of thefemininecontext.blogspot.com, on behalf of MILLIONS OF CREEPED OUT WOMEN WHO MIGHT OTHERWISE HAVE BLOWN YOU... had you not blown it for yourself.

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*Bear in mind before you go all OMFG SHE IS SLUT-SHAMING AND OMFG THE RAPE-CULTURE/PATRIARCHAL WRONGNESS.. Trust me, I know. In fact, I completely agree. Unfortunately, all the "wrong" things said here are common things that women think having been indoctrinated by the patriarchal and archaic rape-culture we've been brought up in. This entire post is basically derived from many, many conversations I've had with other women about this subject, including the commonalities between all of those conversations (i.e.; "I can't look like a slut. Was I being slutty? I like him so now what do I do?"). So to clarify a point or two..

- Slut-shaming is wrong. Internalizing it to the point that you'll participate in your own victim-blaming is really messed up. Tragically, one of the first things a woman does when placed in a sexually-charged, undesirable, unwanted situation like this is to check HERSELF for anything she did to deserve what has befallen her. Maybe we need less red, embarrassed female faces and more drinks being thrown into lascivious, expectant asshole man-faces that are awaiting a response.

- Having to tiptoe around an ugly-ass situation that someone ELSE created in an effort to spare that aggressors' feelings is REALLY wrong, and is holding the victim responsible for what the aggressor has foisted upon her. Even worse, this happens to women and girls every day. As a culture, we have so internalized the idea that women bear all sexual responsibility, they often go straight to work trying to salvage a situation that they should remove themselves from (dating a disrespectful prick, for example), and should never have been exposed to (pardon the contextual pun) to begin with.

- Exposing oneself in person is a crime, punishable by law (that is, if you can convince the law you're not a slut who asked for it, which is fucked up). Just because you put Mr. Willy in a digital format instead of actively whipping it out and trying to touch her with it, AND can legally get away with it, doesn't make it any less unwarranted, unwanted, or inappropriate. Keep it in your pants, and by "it", I mean the collective "it" which includes your genitals and the phone or device that contains any pics taken of your genitals.

- I'm sick to death of having conversations with my friends about how best they must navigate the obstacle course of disgusting behaviors they endure out of the obtuse neanderthals they are dating. Here's something worth considering. A logical breakdown.

Following the logic that women have to obsess over every last thing they say, do, wear, etc, because of the commonly accepted idea that men cannot conduct themselves in safe, non-violent, socially acceptable manner when exposed to sexual stimuli in any amount, the idea of locking them up in cages most of the time would be both LOGICAL and SOUND in the interest of protecting women and children. 

If men are so driven by sexual impulse that cannot be trusted to not sexually assault, rape, or become violent/aggressive/unstable when a woman is present, the responsibility falling on the woman/potential victim, I'm guessing we should lock them up like we do anyone else who we (as a society) determine are so likely to harm others if they are free to roam.

I don't want to lock the entire heteronormative male gender in a cage. Maybe it might be a better idea for them to grow the fuck up and start learning to tell themselves, and their penises, "no". That's what human beings are supposed to do when childhood is over and their parents aren't there to tell them "no".

Why Men Call Women "Crazy" - Turns Out That It's Total Bullshit Like We Thought It Was

From "On Labeling Women 'Crazy'" by Harris O'Malley on HuffPost:

"Back in the bad old days, I was notoriously self-absorbed. It wasn't that I thought that I was the greatest thing ever, it was just that I didn't really stop to spare too many thoughts for others. I was willing to make an effort for others, but only so far as it didn't really inconvenience me past a "reasonable" point. I didn't want to have long drawn out conversations about how my behavior made my girlfriend feel and I certainly didn't want to get dragged into what I saw as unnecessary drama. In fact, I was incredibly drama-averse, thanks to an early unhealthy relationship.

As a result... well, I wasn't willing to consider how others were feeling. When the woman I was dating would try to explain to me how the way I treated her felt, I would tell her that she was seeing things. She was overreacting to inconsequential stuff. She was being over-sensitive, reading things into what I was saying or doing that just weren't there.

The subtext to everything I was saying was simple: "You are behaving in a way that I find inconvenient, and I want to you to stop." I wasn't willing to engage with her emotionally and address her very real concerns because I was too wrapped up in my own shit to think about other people. As a result, I would minimize her issues. By telling her that she was reading too much into things, I was framing the situation as her being irrational.

I didn't realize it at the time, but what I was doing was, in effect, telling her that she didn't have the right to feel the way she felt... because I didn't want her to feel that way."


I would love to see more of this kind of thought process from men. The patriarchal status quo ain't helpin THEM out either, making them all out to be emotionally-challenged, overgrown children who are incapable of interacting with others without gratuity. That's not healthy for anyone, and its not true. Following the societal norms of  traditional gender roles to the letter; fearful, skeptical, and cynical of any deviation, does nothing more than entrap us in unhappy lifestyles and a dangerous, violent culture.

The Feminine Context

I HAVE RAGING SHE-WOOD for Lily Allen - It's Hard Out Here for a Bitch

Lily Allen, I love you.

First thing she says in opening scene...

"I had two babies.."

FOR FUCKS SAKE YES.

Tell me when the march starts, bitch, cause I'm comin' with.

DIRECT LINK HERE - ANTHEM WORTHY- HARD OUT HERE FOR A BITCH


The Feminine Context

This Week In Ignorant Fucks - 10/18/2013

Aw, goddamnit.... where do I start?

There was so much fucking stupid floating about the news this week, my head hurts just trying to round it all up.

We've had the ultimate in toddler-style temper tantrums going on with the government shutdown, in which Republicans simply can't get over the fact that they didn't get their way, so they responded by taking their toys (and continued pay) and going HOME. Never mind the fact that they took lots of other people's toys and paychecks home with them while they act like fucking jerks.

Because of the efforts of (my heroes!) Anonymous, information has come out about the Maryville teen rape, terrifyingly similar to Steubenville in its cover-up and dehumanization of the victims. Thank you, Anonymous, perhaps the only justice for women now comes at the hands of "vigilantes". As an open cry to Anonymous, please tell me here if there's anything I can ever do to help. Thank you for caring about young lives that our tragically dysfunctional social climate would allow to be cast aside as easily as garbage.

Let me try to lay out some links to some of the better examples of idiocy for this past week.. in no particular order..

Fox News pulls out the sleaziest fucking criminal defense lawyer they can possibly find, and airs a textbook example of victim blaming with great enthusiasm.


Did I fail to mention that this guy's main areas of expertise are in defending mafioso AND "white collar criminals" who are charged with multi-million dollar fraud?

Clearly, Fox News was trying to put their best foot forward after the victim-blaming, slut-shaming, rape-culture inducing misogyny market was cornered earlier in the week by a WOMAN. Slate's Emily Yoffe, more commonly known as "Dear Prudence", heaped rape prevention back onto women with her one-and-a-half cents on the Maryville rape. Her choice of words was questionable, at best, starting with the pretty blatant title of "COLLEGE WOMEN:STOP GETTING DRUNK." Ms. Yoffe is actually defending her article, clearly convinced that we're all too stupid to understand that alcohol CAN be a factor in some rape situations, but obviously MISSING THE POINT ENTIRELY that the ghost of Jack Daniels doesn't come out of the bottle, angry erection in hand, and rape you himself at a certain point of female drunkenness. That, in fact, it's the man who thinks so little of you as a human being and so highly of you as a sexual opportunity who takes advantage of the fact that he CAN rape you, secure in the knowledge that some smug old bitch like Emily Yoffe will wag her know-it-all, admonishing finger at the victim afterward. Ms. Yoffe also has some weirdo idea in her head that what's actually causing all these rapes is that women think they are being all feminist by matching guys drink for drink. No, seriously. Like, as in, for real.. she SAID that.. here. From the post..

"Let’s be totally clear: Perpetrators are the ones responsible for committing their crimes, and they should be brought to justice. But we are failing to let women know that when they render themselves defenseless, terrible things can be done to them. Young women are getting a distorted message that their right to match men drink for drink is a feminist issue. The real feminist message should be that when you lose the ability to be responsible for yourself, you drastically increase the chances that you will attract the kinds of people who, shall we say, don’t have your best interest at heart. That’s not blaming the victim; that’s trying to prevent more victims."

What really sucks here is that the above paragraph is pretty much the only part of her piece that does, in fact, discuss how the perpetrators are responsible for their actions. At best, this is another disgusting, stomach-turning example of an educated, professional, adult woman who has been so indoctrinated with social sexism that she actually BELIEVES this is a progressive, proactive approach to the rape culture crisis we are all suffering from. I hate to break it to you, lady, but we all know that the world is dangerous. What all of us militant feminists are raging about is that we've TRIED ALL OF THIS SHIT AND IT DOESN'T WORK. You can get raped by any man, at any time, in any social setting, no matter what the theme or central activity is. The fact that women from all walks of life and of all personality types are getting raped is terrible enough, but the aftermath might actually be worse than the attack, and guess what? Emily Yoffe, you are now part of that aftermath. A woman suffering the trauma following a rape that was NOT HER FAULT, does not need to read this tripe about what SHE was doing, wearing, or where she was. The asshole who RAPED her needs to be questioned and scrutinized and shamed. There are dangerous people EVERYWHERE. When a crime or assault is committed against a man, we don't ask him what he was doing drinking at a party (you know, where people drink), or why he was wearing a certain kind of clothing, or why he was out late at night, or hanging out without some sort of chaperoning escort to ensure his safety... oh yeah, that's right. We treat men like people. How dare us silly bitches think we deserve the same courtesy.

From "How to write a rape prevention article without sounding like an asshole" by Erin Gloria Ryan, published in Jezebel, and using a direct quote from Ms. Yoffe's piece:

"DON'T write this paragraph:

'If I had a son, I would tell him that it’s in his self-interest not to be the drunken frat boy who finds himself accused of raping a drunken classmate. Surely this University of Richmond student, acquitted in one of the extremely rare cases in which a campus rape accusation led to a criminal trial, would confirm that.'

If Emily Yoffe had a son, she'd teach him how not to be accused of rape at a party. Not how to stay sober enough to remain vigilant and interfere with potentially alcohol-fueled rape situations, or how it's not okay to have sex with a woman who is too drunk to consent. Nope. Just how not to get accused of rape. Got it."

By the way, Ms. Ryan, if you read this somehow, please know that you make my everlovin' day, girl. I read your work all the damn time, and you're fucking awesome.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh SHIT, yeah

this shit totally fucking happened..


Danielle N. Lee, who has blogged for Scientific American for at least two years and refers to herself as the  "Urban Scientist" was asked by a content editor for Biology-Online.com if she would write for them, when she asked about compensation, she was called a whore. What the fuck, right? Her blog post on this matter, including screenshots of emails, can be found here.

For the record, Ms. Lee.. I wish you had been my biology teacher.
-----------------------------------

Ted Cruz - SHUT THE FUCK UP. Oh my God, you're a moron.

In Ted Cruz news this week...

Ted Cruz calls birth control "abortifacients" - Huffpost

Ted Cruz fails to disclose financial ties to Jamaican Holdings company- TIME

Ted, Jamaican me crazy, here..

Chris VanHollen, representing the 8th district of the State of Maryland in the U.S. House of Representatives and also writing for TheGuardian.com, brought this lovely little gem to light in his article "Republican Rule-Rigging Cause This Shutdown and Subverted Democracy". Here is an excerpt from that piece:

"There are enough votes in the House to pass the Senate's "clean" bill to fund government – and this already represents Democrats being willing to compromise to accept the GOP's post-sequester funding levels for the short term. It would have easily passed the House with a bipartisan majority – had the House Republican leadership brought it to the floor for a simple up-or-down vote. But House Republicans – many of whom have long had the goal of shutting down the government – effectively wrote the shutdown into law with just hours left on the clock.

If that sounds unbelievable and outrageous, it's because it is.

The chairman of the House rules committee conceded that, under normal procedure with clause 4 of rule 22, if the House amends a Senate bill and the Senate rejects the House's amendment(s), any House member has the right to bring the original Senate bill up for an immediate up-or-down vote in the House. But just two hours before the government was poised to shut down, House Republicans quietly rigged the rules in their favor. They changed that rule to ensure that only Republican majority leader Eric Cantor could bring the Senate bill to reopen the government up for a vote – something they have refused to do."

In case this hasn't reached you on Facebook, here is the video demonstrating this rule-rigging in action.


and last, but certainly not least.. Linda Oliver, the Mayor of West Union, South Carolina, had THIS to say (and then promptly delete) on her Facebook:

"What's it gonna take to get these queers to realize they don't need a piece of paper. God will not bless their union because he plainly speaks against queers in the Bible. Want to cover your queer with insurance? Buy a policy. Want your queer to get your stuff when you die? Make a will."

From HuffPost:

"The post quickly drew an onslaught of criticism from Facebook users. Meanwhile, a Facebook group titled "Recall West Union S.C. Mayor Linda Oliver" was also created in the wake of the controversy.

But Oliver says she anticipated the heated response, telling Fox Carolina, "All I can say is if people want to crucify me, that's fine. I know that following Jesus, I'm going to be crucified."

On the topic of same-sex marriage, she added, "I don't want it rammed down my throat."

Though she insists she'll now use "homosexual," Oliver also defended her use of the word "queer," noting, "The way I feel toward homosexuals is how I've been brought up.""

You IGNORANT bitch, Ms. Oliver. I hope there is, in fact, a Rapture. I can't wait til it takes you, and people like you, the hell off the planet.

The Feminine Context

BEST. FAMILY. HALLOWEEN. COSTUMES. EVAR!!!!!!!!!!!!! Labyrinth FTW

Somewhere out there, David Bowie is old as hell and tickled pink.



Originally posted HERE:

The Revolution May Not Be Televised, But We Can Damn Sure See You Fuckers Running This Shutdown

I'll have my rant on this. For now, enjoy Aloe Blacc's "Politician"

HEY BOEHNER! FUCKING SUCK IT.


The Feminine Context

Republican Extremists Must Have Orgasms Every Time They Lie About The Affordable Care Act

PolitiFact PWNS even more fucktards trying to spread misinformation and outright lies to terrify people about the Affordable Care Act.

YOUR TEAM LOST.. OMG, FUCKING DEAL WITH IT..

From PolitiFact:

"The Facebook post claims to be from a man named Will Sheehan. (We couldn’t confirm his identity.)  The post says that he tried to sign up for Obamacare and then decided to not go along with it; he then said he received an email detailing fines he would face.  

Here’s the full text of the post:

"I actually made it through this morning at 8:00 A.M. I have a preexisting condition (Type 1 Diabetes) and my income base was 45K-55K annually I chose tier 2 ‘Silver Plan’ and my monthly premiums came out to $597.00 with $13,988 yearly deductible!!! There is NO POSSIBLE way that I can afford this so I ‘opt-out’ and chose to continue along with no insurance. I received an email tonight at 5:00 P.M. informing me that my fine would be $4,037 and could be attached to my yearly income tax return. Then you make it to the ‘REPERCUSSIONS PORTION’ for ‘non-payment’ of yearly fine. First, your drivers license will be suspended until paid, and if you go 24 consecutive months with ‘Non-Payment’ and you happen to be a home owner, you will have a federal tax lien placed on your home. You can agree to give your bank information so that they can easy ‘Automatically withdraw’ your ‘penalties’ weekly, bi-weekly or monthly! This by no means is ‘Free’ or even ‘Affordable’."

We will check a number of the post’s claims below."

Please take a look at this post by clicking here.

The Feminine Context

Three Of The BEST (so far) "Blurred Lines" Parody Videos

I won't even dignify this dudebro-anthem with a link to the original song. If you somehow haven't heard it or seen the obnoxious video for Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines", well.. fuck, you might have lucked out. While watching the following, just know that it went a LOT like these, only these videos are a lot more honest about what's going on in this highly criticized "date rape is okay" dance track.

Lemme tell ya, people... there are a shitload of DAMN GOOD parodies on this song. It's actually kind of hard to choose.

I would be remiss if I didn't place the sparkling gem "Defined Lines" by the FUCKING FANTASTIC "Law Revue". I am following their tweets and you should visit them @LawRevueGirls and do the same. Thank you, Law Revue. You are amazing, talented, and RIGHT ON TRACK.



I simply had to throw this one out by the fabulous Bart Baker, a true master of pop video parodies. PLEASE go visit him and give that guy a thumbs up. Thank you, Bart.. thank you for the #hashtagpolice, alone, let alone the goat!



Love this beauty from the brilliantly clever stand-up comedienne Melinda Hughes with the tremendously appropriate title of "Lame Lines" or "Douchebag" (as the chorus would suggest), which shows up as AND rhymes with "Hashtag" (kind of).

Speaking of which, Robin Thicke should be internationally barred from ever using hashtags again, in any context, ever. For all of time.

Ms. Hughes can also be found on the ol' Twitterverse @MelindaHug and has her own website HERE.

  The Feminine Context

Elizabeth Warren Pulls Out Her Pimp-Hand, Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell Make Bitches Of Themselves

EDIT - 10/04/2013 - cause whoever had the original YouTube upload for the Paul/McConnell vid BITCHED THE FUCK OUT LIKE A PUSS AND TOOK IT DOWN. Link fixed.
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Goddamnit, Elizabeth Warren..

I think I feel all tingly just watching this.

Senator Warren drops it like its hot (yeah, fuck off, it fits) on the GOP, lays down epic smack in the form of a bullshit-seeking missile style speech on Republicans and their efforts to deny millions of Americans access to at least SOME amount of health care.

Also caught on video, Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell making fucking asses of themselves discussing the shutdown strategy.

One thing that did not escape my notice was the point they make themselves in that their opposing Democrats were saying the same things in private that they were saying in public.... you know.. kind of the OPPOSITE of what the GOP is doing. Way to deliver the punchline on yourselves, you jackasses.

The Feminine Context

Anita Perry Can't Stomach Uttering Total Bullshit Out Loud, Media Frenzy Ensues

I'm thinking that Rick Perry is shitting platinum bricks right about now..




OH MY GAWD.. A PROMINENT REPUBLICAN STATE FIRST LADY EXPRESSED A PERFECTLY VALID AND HUMAN VIEWPOINT ON REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS!

From the HuffingtonPost:

"When pressed on women's rights by Texas Tribune's Evan Smith at the 2013 Texas Tribune Festival, the First Lady of Texas said, "That's really difficult for me, Evan, because I see it as a women's right. If they want to do that, that is their decision; they have to live with that decision."

"Mrs. Perry, I want to be sure you didn't just inadvertently make news," Smith replied. "Are you saying that you believe abortion is a women's right, to make that choice?"

Smith pressed again, asking if she believed it's a person's decision within the law, to which Anita Perry replied, "Yeah, that could be a women's right. Just like it's a man's right if he wants to have some kind of procedure. But I don't agree with it, and that's not my view."

You can understand that women should have the right to choose what's best for them and, at once, not be all pro-abortion. To be pro-choice means that you realize that abortion is one of several choices a woman can make in the face of an unplanned pregnancy, and it IS in fact, OKAY to know that you yourself would not make that particular choice.

Kudos to Mrs. Perry for having the chutzpah to say this out loud in front of cameras. You can tell she's feeling backed down toward the end, but she didn't bail out entirely, either.

oh, and also VOTE WENDY DAVIS FOR SENATE!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Feminine Context

Craigslist of Ridiculous Demands: Men Seeking Women for Godawful Reasons

If ever you are single and feeling down about it, all you need to do is pop over to Craigslist and take a good long look at who's looking for YOU..

Fo' real, bitches. Ten minutes into just scanning over a few posts in "Men Seeking Women" and I was seriously trying to figure out the logistics of getting my vagina stitched shut.

Let's look at some real winners from the Dallas area...

From the ad:

"First of all I'm in the Phoenix area, so if you are what I'm looking for, you'll also have to be willing to move here. It's a nice place actually and great weather. I'm SWM, mid 40s, professional, handsome, successful, 5'11" 185lb, non smoker, light drinker. I own a very nice home (though it could use a woman's touch) and have all kinds of fun toys. My interests include Harleys, Corvettes, Dirt Bikes, Motor Sports, Photography, Guns, Shooting, Home improvement and do it yourself projects. I'm upbeat and like to enjoy my free time as much as possible."

Translation: I GOTS MONIES. YEAH. THAT'LL GET EM.

To elaborate on that point, the man kindly leaves us another picture:

"You'll need to like weekend trips to Vegas or the California coast. I'm Looking for a girlfriend and possibly future wife 18-35 with a figure, no kids and also a lady who might enjoy (or would like to) model for hot high heel, mini skirt theme photos and video. Photography is a huge interest of mine and I'd like to find a partner who enjoys modeling and is very photogenic. Do you like to play dress up and pose for photos or perform for the video camera? Is this something you've fantasized about? Would like to find a husband who encourages your exhibionist tendencies? You are my type if you do. I'll spoil MY girl rotten, hair styling, manicures, pedicures, heels, hot outfits, etc. Yes, everything it takes to make YOU my hot little Model and beautiful girlfriend or wife. Send a pic with reply. You may be just the girl I've been looking for : ) "

Translation: I AM TOTALLY WILLING TO PAY FOR ALL THE SHIT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK AS PLASTIC AS POSSIBLE. THAT IS PRETTY MUCH ALL I AM LOOKING FOR SINCE I HAVEN'T SUGGESTED A SINGLE PERSONALITY TRAIT THAT I AM ALSO LOOKING TO FIND.

"Want huge implants as in DDD to G??? Major bonus points if you do because that's the look I want my woman to have. Yes, you need to want to be a huge boobs hottie!"

There better be a health plan involved, because some bitch is going to undergo early spinal failure trying to hold them things up. Oh, gentleman.. do you also plan on providing steel-reinforced breast scaffolds? Cause anyone with a waist as tiny as you seem to require is going to need some additional support keeping those boobs upright.

OH! and here's another..this guy's looking for a "country gal" who's all about breaking every cardinal rule of meeting someone over the internet..

"Ok so this the deal I am white male 34 years old and I am going on vacation the week of thanksgiving to my parents cabin. Were going to cookout hunt drink beer drink wiskey what ever the night unfolds. So im looking for a country girl that would enjoy this sort of thing this event can be platonic or romantic all depends on are vibe I guess. There are seperate beds and all that so dont have to worry about sleeping together if thats something your worried about. Really just want the company and too have a good time. So taking applicants lol send me email some info on yourself and some pics. Yee Yee!!!!! (Ps some of the pics are from when we have been working on it as we speak so its work in progress lol)..."

Oh, sure.. why not? I'll just pack up mah country bumpkin ass, get in your truck (which I assume you have), and just hit the road on a major family holiday out to your cabin! Yee...

wha?

Oh yeah, there's this picture that opens up the ad..

Three hours outside of town in a half-built cabin with someone I've never met? Yeah, I think I'll pass, buddy... that's a damn Lifetime thriller waiting to happen.

So having been completely creeped out by what Dallas had to offer today, I checked out Knoxville, TN

Then I found this:

Really, the creepiness of this speaks for itself. Even the babies look freaked out..

"Hi, are there any women on here who are at their point in life where they have not found the right person to have a family with, but time is running out for whatever reason and would like to make one now. Not in the next couple of years but rather sooner than later? I am an Asian man in the same boat and looking for someone to make a family or child together. I am not here to play games or beat around the bush. I dont care what race you are or maybe you have a kid already but must be open to having more. Please put "BABY" in the title so I know you are real and not a bot or spam. But more importantly tell me about you and send me some photos of you also, would like to see who I am talking to."

Love how seeing a photo of his breeding stock is a mere footnote to the whole post about impregnating her.. *shudder*

LOVE this one... real dream of a guy...

"Hello and no im not looking just for sex !

If you do drugs please do Not waste my time.

Why do u email me thin never email me back after I reply,,U women are so unpredictable .you all must like playing games!!"

Us women, we're such unpredictable, game-playing sillies! I bet I can predict how many dates you get when you heap the responsibility of all of your bad dating experiences on US! Could it possibly be that your poor grasp of the English language, paired with your excessive, aggressive, desperation-infused use of exclamation points is scaring the ladies away? Oh wait.. he goes on..

"Why is it so hard to find someone these days I will never no,,I dont understand what women want these days.please no judgemental women,,be nice"

You girls will never "no". Le sigh...

Pink Pepper Spray: Form and Function and Really Fucked Up

Couldn't help but notice this tweet from the awesome @Kiskolee yesterday and just HAD to investigate...


She's got a point, you know..

So here I went onto the trusty ol' Google image search to see what I could find for the terms "pink pepper spray"..

Holy burning balls, Batman! That's a lot shitload of pink non-lethal self-defense items!

I thought maybe there would be a few pink-colored pepper sprays out there, but damn. As you can see (if you clicked on the link), there's an enormous variety of personal protection devices that all look like accessories for Barbie's Dream House (and Dream Car, and Dream Purse, and Dream Backpack, and Dream Laptop Case and Dream Office Desk, and Dream Hiding Place in the Dream Kitchen Cabinet, etc..).

Let's start with your basic pepper spray, which of course, comes in HOT PINK..


heh.. HOT pink. You got it, right? Cause it's PEPPER spray and its HOT...

I'm posting links directly to the places where you can buy these items, just in case you thought I was totally kidding.

Pink just got hotter with Hot Pink Mace Defense Spray!

From the website:

"Even when it comes to personal protection, girls want to look good and be in fashion. Now, you don't have to settle for a bland color that doesn't match anything. Spice it up!

Hot Pink Pepper Spray 

Fashionable 10% Mace Brand pink pepper spray"

You know us girls. Always wanting to look good and be fashionable. That's probably why we get raped so damn often, huh? I don't know about YOU bitches, but when I spray my attacker in the face, I want him to notice that I ACCESSORIZED before his eyes slam shut from the capsaicinoids assaulting his mucous membranes. That'll show him!

You don't want the cops to find your lifeless body and wonder why your nails and ineffective protection device DON'T MATCH! While they're busy wondering just what in the hell your silly ninny ass was doing out after dark by yourself, they might miss a doughnut or two because of your nausea-inducing lack of post-mortem fashion sense.


If that particular model will maybe make your ass look fat (HORRORS) in its slender design, perhaps you need something that offsets your greater-than-size-eight ham-hockedness! You know, like the control-top panties of pepper spraying accessories. ONE MUST ACCESSORIZE, GODDAMNIT!

Mace Pepper Gun Distance Defense Spray with LED, Hot Pink

..and who says that companies aren't catering to plus-sizes?

Ye gods..

If something a little less blatant appeals to you, try this FASHIONABLE little number..

Covert Pink Heart Lipstick Pepper Spray


For the lady who understands that its best that people believe you carry heart-shaped lipstick cases (as opposed to personal protection) wherever you go. It's much more feminine and lady-like to be maniacally-obssessed with one's appearance than to concern your pretty little head with defending yourself.

As much as I appreciate that the companies that make these things consider us girls so vain, vapid, and attracted to shiny, brightly colored things that even our last-ditch effort emergency life saving devices have to be "cute"... Well.. if you can make it PINK to appeal to my delicate sensibilities, why can't you bling it up a little bit to appeal to my stereotypical gold-digging whore sensibilities as well? DAMMIT, I'M A PRINCESS!

Oh shit.. I shouldn't have asked..


There's a whole lot of shit going on here, but we're gonna start with what the website says.

Guardian Girls "Winged Edition: Black with Pink Crystals"

"Guardian Girls Winged Edition pepper sprays are individually hand crafted and adorned with Swarovski crystals. The Winged Edition pepper spray features a custom re-usable design allowing you to insert a water cartridge for practice or a pepper spray cartridge for when you are on the go.

Available in a variety of color combinations, this beautifully decorated safety device is designed to provide dependable and effective self-defense allowing you to be safe & sexy."

Before I go any further, I DO want to recognize the Guardian Girls, their foundation and their blog, and specifically its founder, Yvonne Anderson. Ms. Anderson is a single mother who has firsthand experience dealing with a stalker. She chose to take the terror of that experience, turn it around and do something positive for other women. Guardian Girls' foundation helps to support a variety of charity organizations that improve the lives of women and their families and should be commended. Guardian Girls are able to support their good works for women via the sale of items like these, so I'm happy to give a link and shout-out to them. The thing is, its not Ms. Anderson or her organization that I take issue with.. its the market in which they have to compete and the social climate that breeds the market.

Personally, I find it horrific that we're literally trying "doll-up" these things we really shouldn't HAVE to be carrying just because we're women and we are expected to be ornamental at all times, apparently even in moments of extreme peril. We are so very conditioned to being adorned, accessorized, and fashionable that we're even seeking to make a WEAPON "girly" and "fun". With all due respect to Guardian Girls, the practice of Barbie-fying literally every product aimed at female consumers isn't merely sexist, but it contributes to the overall infantilization of women in society.

Just in case you think I'm overreaching here, THIS is what Google gave me as a definition for the word "infantilize".

Little GIRLS have pink, fluffy, sparkly shit marketed to them constantly. As for me, that's a whole different rant for a whole 'nother day on how that affects children insofar as shoving them face first into sexual/gender roles that aren't right for them. "Princess" overload can negatively impact girls, giving them messed up ideas on what it is to be female. One might say that the ripple effect of Princess indoctrination can be easily seen in adult women who endured it as girls, manifesting as a lack of confidence in self and capabilities. For now, I'll pass that one over to Jessica Bennett from The Daily Beast, with her article "Disney Princesses and the Battle for your Daughter's Soul".

I'll put it to you this way..

what good is that blinged up pepper spray if it doesn't match your iPad??

Oh.

Mah.

GAWD..



Girl! How dare you spritz your fancy "liquid-haul-ass" into that assailants' eyeballs when it doesn't even match....

YOUR GODAWFUL BARBIE PINK SHOES!!!!!!!!

You know!

The ones that are literally destroying your feet, your legs, and your back BUT DAMN YOU LOOK GOOD!









Now if you're just sick of fussing about with your personal attackers, trying to aim just right, stop fucking around and get this bad boy, all GIRLED up just for you AND your girlyparts!

Taser C2 Fashion Pink w Laser


"The TASER C2 is our newest product designed for personal protection. Utilizing the same technology as our proven law enforcement models, the C2 has incredible take down power."

I will AT LEAST hand it to this company that while they felt compelled to stick the term "fashion" on it (cause you know, the ladies will look at anything as long as it has "fashion" glued on there somewhere), at least they don't fuck around with the "sexy" and "cute" shit ad-nauseum. Plus, no one is ever going to willingly fuck with you again if you taze them.

Put(t)in Out! Pro-LGBT, Anti-Putin Video Is Fucking Awesome

Enjoy the most colorful images you've ever seen of everyone's favorite Russian closet-case!

Yes! Without a doubt!
I think Putin would like to be puttin out!

hahaha

CLICK HERE for a direct link to "PUT(T)IN OUT"

When Vaginas Attack: Wednesday Killer Ladyparts Edition (NSFW - duh)

Drugs are bad, mmkay?

The above video actually comes from "Sexual Parasite: Killer Pussy", an astonishingly terribly scream flick from Japan (where else?). I still prefer the "No means NO" scene from the movie "Teeth", which for clarification was about the timeless vagina dentata myth. I'm thinking this clip, disturbing though it may be, could possibly do a fair amount of good if shown to a few unprepared dudebros..




Of course, to read something utterly fucking hilarious about vagina panic in the nonfictional, real world, I'm going to suggest a visit to TheHoopla to read Corinne Grant's epic "Attack of the Killer Vaginas", written in response to THIS Australian Carefree Acti-Fresh commercial..


From what I understand, people went ape-shit down under at the mere mention of that highly unmentionable body part down under there.. THE VAGINA!

..to quote Ms. Grant:

"Vaginas are way more dangerous than weather! Why do you think babies come out of them screaming?

There’s no point denying it any longer, ladies, what you keep between your legs is dangerous and must be stopped. Your fetid bits are the bringers-down of governments, the destroyers of morality and the breeders of lust.

Thank god the good people of Family First have had the guts to stand up and say, “Enough! The V word is hurty on my ears!”  Now all we can do is hope that something will be done to stop this evil scourge.

Believing that vaginas are a normal, acceptable part of the human anatomy is the first step towards eternal damnation."

you tell em, Bitch!

Enjoy your day ;)

Sarcasm FTW! "Rape Prevention" PSA Kicks Serious Ass

TFC heartily approves this message, brought to you byAll India Bakchod kicks rape culture norms in the ass and out in the open for all to see. Good work, y'all!

Direct link here: "It's Your Fault"
The Feminine Context

Reality TV star goes to unreal lengths justifying spousal abuse

What in the holy fuck, yo?

'Real Housewife' Melissa Gorga's New Book Advocates Marital Rape - Jezebel

Let me just get it out of the way.. I DON'T WATCH A LOT OF TV.. specifically because I have no desire to see Kardashians, Hedonistic Housewives, or any other kind of television show that follows women around to watch them shop, be catty for the sake of cattiness, bolster the validity of the worst kind of female stereotypes, or otherwise celebrate wastefulness and selfishness. Sorry people, Rome is burning and as such, I could care less about the window treatments, catfights, or in-home mani-pedi that some polished, plucked, spritzed, painted banshee is screeching about in her excessively expensive home.

As I get older, and see more and more people struggling to just fucking FEED themselves and their children on a daily basis, I can't help but find myself vomitously disgusted by these "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" throwbacks. But I digress...

NOW, as if ovary-bearing individuals are not slogging their way through enough problems with prevalent rape-culture, street harrassment, and slut-shaming, we've got a new bible for the apologetic battered housewife.. "Love Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage" - by Melissa Gorga

Not only does this book divulge personal details of this woman's systematic abuse and subjugation in her marriage at the hands of her husband, Joe, it goes on to profess that his temper, selfishness, and controlling behaviour are merely "manly" traits that should not only be tolerated, but cherished and lovingly acknowledged as true romance shown from a man to a woman.

In fact, he's so lovingly helicoptering this woman ALL the fucking time, that she wasn't permitted to so much as write the book HERSELF.. oh no.. there are sections written ENTIRELY BY JOE in HER book, to the point that it would appear he is interrupting and shouting over her in printed word as much as we can surmise he does in person.

Here's a real gem by the aforementioned Joe, wherein he appears to find sexual assault both hot and a husbandly duty:

"Men, I know you think your woman isn't the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says "no," turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated.

Women don't realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want."

DAMN, ladies! Just give them what they want and whenever they want it! Why didn't WE think of that? Probably because our ladybits make us overly emotional and illogical. Thank GOD for men like Joe and the brain-adjusting semen injections they can provide for us! However could we become the ideal dishwashing, brainless, babymaking, bedroom vamping, foundation-plastered automatons we ALL desire to be without all the dick that guys like Joe insist on giving us whenever they feel like it? ALL HAIL THE DEMANDING MAN AND HIS BLESSED SEXUAL AGGRESSION! Didn't you know that toddler-style temper tantrums and demands are COMPLETELY ACCEPTABLE out of grown men? The only difference is that when boys grow into men they are BIG and STRONG and can rip your clothes off to get the "cookies" as is the right of the husband and....

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A CRACKER ARE YOU SERIOUS? REALLY?? SOMEONE ACTUALLY PUBLISHED A CONTEMPORARY BOOK MAKING MARITAL RAPE SOUND NORMAL???

Also, gals... did you know your husband is not supposed to be aware of the bodily functions you and he have in common? Melissa says that women don't shit.

Seriously.

"Girls don't poop. Me, never have. Never will. It just doesn't happen. Or, that's what Joe thinks! We've been married for nine years, and he has never once seen or smelled my business. How have I pulled this off? I don't do it when he's around or awake. In an emergency, I have my ways of pooping so he won't hear, smell, or see. It's a challenge."

Thanks a pantload, Melissa Gorga. .. er.. or not.

This might be where we've all gone wrong, girls. If you're not playing "Hide and Shit", your relationship is doomed. I gotta say, though.. if that is, indeed, "what Joe thinks", Joe is not the sharpest tool in the shed. He's a tool, sure.. just not a very sharp one.

More husbandly advice from the magnanimous Joe..

"To be on the same level, everyone has to get off the high horse. I don't care if the woman makes more money than the man, if he's a janitor and she's the president. After a fourteen-hour workday, if a man comes home and there's no dinner on the table, and his wife is on the phone, watching TV, or on the computer ignoring him, he won't feel respected."

So... leader of the free world best be home early makin' you a steak, huh? What a douchebag..

Oh, and this (from Joe):

"I don't feed babies, or change the diapers. My father never wiped my ass, and I don't wipe my babies' either."

Damn, Melissa.. how do you let him leave the house? I'm sure the bitches are lining up READY to pounce on this one! Sarcasm aside, its really this paragraph from the first chapter that kills me. Basically, a foreword that explains how she got into this mess in the first place..

"I was envious of girls with daddies to turn to. They could make a call, and their fathers would swoop in to fix their car brakes, give them a loan, or make them feel treasured and special. I missed that closeness. I found myself drawn to a certain kind of man, a father figure who made me feel protected and would tell me right from wrong. They weren’t older than me per se. It was the authoritative and instructive personality type—someone who could take charge—that attracted me. I know a lot of women wouldn’t like that. But I responded to it."

If that isn't heartbreaking enough, she later tells of Joe's "instruction" in their married life together, outlining a pattern of abuse that first assures her that there is something wrong with her that needs to be "corrected" and how validating his controlling behaviour is essential to the health of their marriage.

"His style was to make corrections and to teach me from the beginning days of our marriage exactly how he envisioned our life together. Joe always says, "You got to teach someone to walk straight on the knife. If you slip, you're going to get cut." Even if something didn't bother him that badly, he'd bring it up. He wanted to make sure that I knew, for example, if I ran out to CVS and he came home from work to an empty house, he didn't like it. He'd call me and say, "I don't care if you're out all day long. But I don't want to come home to an empty house."

... you know.. God forbid she see herself as an individual person. According to Joe, she isn't. She's a WIFE, and therefore property meant to feed, breed, clean up after, and sexually serve him.

Someone got the big balls and wanna try some "feminism is outdated/unnecessary" shit with me today?


The Feminine Context

I'm BACK, bitches!

Bitchitudinousness reigns again!

Well, hopefully.. I do kinda have some shit to do around here

BUT!

I'm going to try and do better about ranting my ass off on a more regular basis. I find it therapeutic.

What have I been doing with myself, you might ask (or might not.. its been FOR-FUCKING-EVER since I wrote here).. well..

-Moving
-Raising the mini-shebeast
-Being pissed off at Google AdSense which has banned me for life over a stupid misclick which they said was me trying to inflate my own ad revenue.
-Founding, forming, and whipping an MMORPG clan together
-Becoming a more righteously indignant feminist, every fucking day.

Expect more activity here.

Silence is just not on my vagenda anymore.

The Feminine Context