Yeah, bitches.. you heard me. SOME hate is healthy.
I hate reading or hearing about the Kardashians. I hate the fact that one cannot AVOID reading or hearing about the Kardashians. I do try, you understand. It's simply impossible, what with their mom, and all the press she can buy, literally hammering people in the head with the name "Kardashian" every time they get online, turn on their television, or go outside their homes. I find this so obnoxious that there is actually a little part of me that longs for the day that Google actually DOES become "Big Brother". Some "top men" at Google get to watch me take a bath (their problem, not mine), and I can filter this crap out of my life entirely with a command as simple as "-kardashian".
Take note of the fact that I did NOT say "I hate the Kardashians". That kind of blind hate is for the simple and ignorant, and that's not something I'll allow myself to become. I really don't think that the word "hate" is the best word for how I DO feel about the tsunami that is Kardashian, but it packs a wallop of venom that I just feel like spraying out at this subject. It's not the actual girls that I dislike, it's what comes with them and what they represent.
So here you go, girls. Let it all out. Add to this. Go for it.
It's OKAY to hate this shit. If you feel anger at the suggestion that you should support the Kardashian Empire..it's okay. Allow me to validate your rage. Here are two answered arguments that you may freely use to support your disgust at all things Kardashian.
Argument One:
(arguments will be phrased much the way I expect they would be phrased by the type of person who would rush to the defense of the Kardashians)
"They're so successful! So ambitious! You're just a jealous bitch and a HATER!"
RICH AND FAMOUS!!! FOR.... Nothing?
The secret of their success is... Daddy. Oh yeah, and Daddy's money. Isn't that where you get all YOUR money? From your Daddy? Well.. if it isn't, then clearly your priorities and values leave much to be desired.
The Kardashian girls have been QUITE successful at not running out of all that money because it's been invested wisely.. by their Mom. With Mom's pitbull-like grasp on her daughters, her business savvy, and her uncanny ability to exploit her children PAST the age of majority, those girls don't have a chance in hell at making the inexperienced decisions that they surely would if not so sternly directed. Under the guidance of She-Who-Owns-Bruce-Jenner, the Kardashians now lend their name to a clothing line that's giving white supremacists a fashionable new day in the sun.
When your very first steps were paved with gold, your family's provided the best education, diet, and stylists for your ENTIRE LIFE, I should FUCKING hope you're ambitious enough to do something other than sit around on your ass. I'm sick to death of hearing about how ambitious these girls are. Their MOM is ambitious... ambitious to such a frightening extent that I firmly believe if the right advisor could convince her that amputees were in, she'd ask the girls over for brunch at Al's House of Fire-Axes, scheduled to provide enough healing time between a limb-ectomy and People Magazine's annual "Most Beautiful People" edition. For one thing, they don't have to do much to appear ambitious, because every time they lift a (well-planned and carefully staged) finger in front of the public eye, they turn donkey shit to gold ALL THROUGH THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION.
Even crazy Mommy Dearest can get a little excited and fail to read the fine print. In all fairness, she was probably still squinting, waiting for her henchmen to pull their shit together and kidnap a child (with the right genetic match this time, you morons!!!) whose corneas and youth-essence she could harvest, when she unwittingly plastered the half-naked and very expensive images of her offspring all over debit cards that were designed to both:
1. identify their user as a sad, pop-culture obsessed little fan-girl
and
2. to ass-rape the credit history of those users every time they so much as used those cards to buy a magazine (probably containing something about some guy that one of the Kardashians was fucking that week).
Argument Two:
"OMG, U R SOOOO MEAN. THE KARDASHIANS ARE NICE GIRLS WHO ARE REALLY NORMAL EVEN IF THEY R RICH! U JUST WISH U LOOKED LIKE THEM AND HAD THEIR MOENY!"
How nice are they, really?
I submit the following videos for your perusal:
A nice evening at home with the Kardashians
Nice, huh?
How about this next one with the Matriarch at the helm of a deal showcasing one girl, and suggesting to the others that it's a GOOD idea that the other two ride on her coattails later on ..
Oh come on, Khloe... you're ALMOST too fat to even be IN this family, and Kourtney, you're just ugly enough to be cute... like a Chihuahua. How about if I just start carrying you in my purse and maybe we can get a dog products line for you..?
From what I've seen, the Kardashians spend enough money on one lunch to feed a small family for a month, and then they don't even eat it because they're too busy arguing with each other about who's getting more attention from one week to the next. They have done some relatively normal things like getting knocked up and/or married, but when is the last time a network came banging down your door with a million-dollar deal to film you having it out with your douchebag boyfriend and your mom during the annual family-free-for-all at Thanksgiving dinner?
Finally, the Kardashians look as good as they do because they can afford to have ANYTHING and EVERYTHING painted, sprayed, tucked, frosted, conditioned, glossed, waxed, or lifted whenever they wish. With the right stylist and team of aetheticians, you wouldn't recognize and might probably hit on your own sister.
In case you don't want to take my word for it.. Behold...
Eva Longoria - Before and After
Not that anyone's going to break their ass trying to get into her panties, but here you go..
Barbara Streisand - Before and After
and finally, Christina Ricci, with and without makeup..
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