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Saturday, September 17, 2011

9 Ridiculously Expensive (And Tasteless) Items That No One Needs

Okay, fine. I'm doing something "list-style" that the Internet apparently just LOVES. I feel dirty and ashamed for purposefully being "trendy".

.. but not nearly as ashamed as I would be if you caught me in possession of any of these things.

See, it's not that I don't like having some nice things, nor do I begrudge others the joy of having nice things. My problem is with gratuitous demonstrations of wealth. No one needs a hat that's worth more than what some people make (and live on) in a year.

Like this one..

1. Darna "Lady Josephine" Black Hat



Price: $16,900.90

What the fucking fuck!!!????

I'm really feeling a little sick just looking at this. That's enough to buy a car or put a down payment on a house. That's enough money to take some people out of debt, get a decent used car, and put down a moderate amount on a house. This is a goddamn HAT made out of felt and ribbon that is worth more than your average full-time retail worker makes in a year before taxes.

Bitch, you better hope you're buried in this thing, and that you prepaid for your funeral.

2. Camel Loro Piana 100% Cashmere Coat with Russian Golden Sable



Price: $12,532.50

I bet it goes great with an ass-ugly black hat that costs more than the dead pomeranians used to make your coat! Gives you that whole "Sloppy Entitled Heiress" look. It's not even that these things are so expensive, which is really enough, but most of this stuff is so lacking in taste and style that I wouldn't touch it if it were on a clearance rack at JC Penneys.
In all seriousness, there better be some sort of microprocessor embedded in that hat that makes you qualified to LEAD MENSA, and there had better be some midgets sewn into the pockets of that coat who are cunning linguists, indeed. Fucking almost twenty grand for some tacky outerwear...

3. Velda Lauder Pewter Taffeta Deep Plunge Swarovski Corset



Price: $1,141.00

Now THIS, I think is awesome enough, but that's me. I got a thing for corsets. Have a freakin' baby and you'll have a thing for corsets, too. Do I think it's over a grand worth of awesome? No. This is an outfit for looking like a whore. There's nothing inherently wrong with that if it's

A: Your job to look like a whore (as in, you are one, or you are an exotic dancer/model)

or

B: It's an "every now and then" thing.

In either case, it's a lot of money on sparklies for something that's rather unlikely to EVER be seen in sunlight.

4. Hand Crocheted Red Metallic Snood Trimmed w/ Beads


Price: $4,999.00

Just in case the hat was a little flashy or pricey for you. Nothing says sexy like a snood that could have paid for someone's laser eye surgery.. WHO THE FUCK WEARS A SNOOD? Better question, who would spend five grand on a snood instead of like, bills, or spaying/neutering 500 dogs. SOMETHING. What excitement do you get out of a snood, when you could spend THOUSANDS less and get..

5. LELO Yva Vibrator

Price: $1,500.00

Girls, the natural order of things has somehow gone horribly, horribly awry.

No one who possesses a pussy should be subject to a credit check to pay for something to go in it. If anything, it's supposed to work in the opposite way. Yes, I said it. We all know it's true. Let it go.

I can justify even up to $100 on am exceptionally good vibrator, though I have to admit that the best and longest lasting vibe I've ever owned was a cheap-ass plastic one that my friend got me ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO from Spencers, and it still runs like a top today.

You could look at it a different way, as though you think so highly of your snatch that you simply must have sensual massagers plated with 14-karat gold OR NOTHING AT ALL.

In which case, you might as well close down shop, because no one will ever think as highly of your twat as you do.

Now, onto the items that only one dumbassed man would buy..

6. Nocturnal Penile Tumescence Monitor For Erectile Dysfunction Test


Price: $4,325.00

I have said it before, and it's true. You guys worry way too much about your dicks. All I did to get that last text link was search Google for "penis size, length, and function", and I got about 15,300,000 results.  The embarrassingly expensive device that I have shown here has two pads that you stick to your dick and (from as much as I can tell) sleep with, so you no longer have to stay up at night worrying about whether your dick is eroding or whatever it is that you're afraid they'll do. This thing records dick activity overnight and records the data so that you can pore over whether its normal or not in the morning.

So just in case NOTHING AT ALL was wrong with your penis, you can worry yourself straight into ED. Why wait til age and failing health slow your roll? Start undermining your ability to obtain and maintain an erection today!

7. Authentic Japanese Armor



Price: $23,498.00

Why pay off your house or other debts, when you could be a tacky fuck and put this in your living room? Probably right below the wall-hanging that depicts your favorite NASCAR driver, and right across from the Glamour Shots of your wife. This thing will really tie the whole room together. If you click on the picture, you'll be taken to where you can buy it. The seller states that the armor is made to fit an average sized Japanese man, but that custom orders are available.

Beat up your #58 Jimmy Johnson fan neighbor in THIS. Go all Samurai on his motherfucking ass. I bet that son of a bitch takes that flag BACK in the house, right before the cops come to arrest the best work-related joke they'll have for the YEAR

.8. John Deere GOLD Plow City Tractor Set

Price: $1,750.00

Since you're going all out on the armor, why not throw down a little more. These GOLD John Deere toys are not only NOT actually gold, despite their awe-inspiring appearance, they do NOT actually cue a chorus of angels when you open the box.

9. Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon

Price: $1,495.00

I put this in the men's section on purpose. Group man sex is the only way I can possibly justify the necessity of this much lube at one time. This has to be an environmental hazard and dangerous to transport.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Whoo! Technorati!

How's about that.. I'm going to be listed on Technorati!

6H2MG5M3ZW5W

On WHY I am a Wild, Wanton Liberal Bitch.

OnTheIssues.org

See the link, just there?

I put it on the top so that I might avoid some bullshit about what news I watch or websites I visit. OnTheIssues.org is a very unbiased accounting of political figures and what they do or do not support with by their votes and speeches and whatnot. It can be very helpful when trying to select a political candidate to vote and/or campaign for. Unfortunately, even a well-structured, fair and balanced reference site can't help those people who allow their family, community, church, spouse, or anyone else determine their political opinion for them. If you don't bother at all, well there's not much help for you, either.

As a matter of fact, if you don't vote and you refuse to learn about the forces that will be governing the country that you live in, pay taxes to, and are a citizen of, then get the fuck off my blog and go read the goddamn website. Come back when you have an educated opinion.

Jesus H. Christ, its not like you even have to leave your house.

Sorry. Got pissed off for a minute. Back to topic, for real. The purpose of today's entry is to make a case for liberalism and the Democratic Party in the United States. I just specified that out of courtesy for non-American readers. Seriously, for all I know, YOUR "Democratic Party" eats baby souls for breakfast and wash them down with kitten tears.

American elections are usually fought out between the two heavy-hitters, Republican and Democrat, though sometimes they're sprinkled with just enough of the alternate parties to piss everyone off. For the most part, though, unless you vote for a political candidate who is represented by one of those two aforementioned parties, you might as well vote for yourself for President. You'll probably have a better chance of winning and a worse chance at getting your ass beat by militant voters who don't want to wait all night to hear about the twenty-three votes that Ralph Nader snagged for the Green Party. Hell, that's three more than last time!

Despite my bouts with digital Tourette's syndrome (with stem cell research, surely we can find a cure!), I'm one of those really obnoxious people who thinks about stuff like etymology and using the right word at the right time for the right thing. With that in mind, I want to share with Merriam-Webster's definition of the word "democracy", which is the political system of our country, that elected officials swear to maintain.



Definition of DEMOCRACY

1
a: government by the people; especially: rule of the majority b: a government in which the supreme power is vested in the people and exercised by them directly or indirectly through a system of representation usually involving periodically held free elections
2
: a political unit that has a democratic government
3
capitalized: the principles and policies of the Democratic party in the United States <from emancipation Republicanism to New Deal Democracy— C. M. Roberts>
4
: the common people especially when constituting the source of political authority
5
: the absence of hereditary or arbitrary class distinctions or privileges

Examples of DEMOCRACY
The nation has chosen democracy over monarchy.
In a democracy, every citizen should have the right to vote.
The company is not a democracy; decisions are made by a board of directors, not the workers.
There is democracy within the company.
Democracy, I would repeat, is the noblest form of government we have yet evolved … —Norman Mailer, New York Review of Books, 27 Mar. 2002

Now, I'm not an entirely uneducated boob; rather, I have two AWESOME boobs and they've both been to college with me. I do understand the why and how of the Republican party bearing its name. That said, I find it amusing that, more often than not, when our country finds itself in a disagreement over a country's collective ideology, that country refers to itself as a "Republic of (Insert Country Name Here)". It's not really important, but it gives me a little geeky chuckle to myself sometimes.

"government by the people; especially: rule of the majority"

This is the starting point of one of my major issues with what's being offered to us for political representation. The Republican party has spent (at least) the last fifteen years endorsing politicians who rally around both stagnation and fear, making blanket-generalizations about what "the people" want, based on their own experiences. The death-grip on Christianity breeds intolerance of other religions, and plays upon peoples' fears of inadequacy and immorality. EVERYONE IS COMMITTING A SIN, SOMEWHERE, OF SOME KIND.. at least according to popular religious beliefs. Rather than agree that people are saved (even when they supposedly are), the very people who are claiming to adhere to their professed religion are debunking an enormous portion of their own dogma (New Testament, anyone?? ANYBODY? you know.. the half of the book that makes you not Jewish?) by way of micro-managing for God in deciding which sin is the "bad one" during any given campaign. The politicians themselves, of any party, are just as "sinful" as anyone else, and thus, really don't have any right to call out anyone else.

What experiences do these people have that make them knowledgeable about "the people"? How many people do you know, personally, that are Ivy League graduates and were born into money and have never had to get help or federal/state assistance? How many people do you actually know that were able to get straight through college, with no detours or side trips, right into graduate school and then straight on to high paying jobs? Only politicians (and their families) get to slide through anything from  DUIs, MANSLAUGHTER, bizarre hunting accidents, and a multitude of other personal crises that would have at LEAST slowed down the average person's upward mobility for a few years.

Just WHO, exactly, is in the minority, here?

From a popular republican blog:

"Republicans believe that long term welfare should be given only to those people who are incapable of working for a living. Any American who is capable of working a regular job should be expected to do so. There is no shame in working for a living regardless of the type of job you have. Working at one job regardless of your title is just as respectable as any other job that provides an income for you. Republicans are willing to help people who are willing to help themselves and those people who are incapable of helping themselves. Republicans refuse to help people who are too lazy to help themselves."

That all sounds really good. I don't want to pay for anyone who can work and would rather sit on their ass. There just aren't enough jobs right now for this statement to make any sense. In most states there is no such thing as the welfare that politicians (career AND "armchair") like to rant about all the time. It's a nightmare to get food stamps and housing assistance in most states requires waiting for your rotation on a list so long that by the time you get your turn, you have to try and convince the mailman to drop letters off at your cardboard box under the bridge.

WHO is the majority again? For that matter, why does being a woman classify you as a minority or part of a "special interest group"? Um, excuse me, but women outnumber men worldwide. That link takes you to a PDF chart by census.gov which explains the age/sex comparison. In simple terms, at any point in time there are more adult women than adult men on the planet. How are we a minority? I could see being referred to as a "special interest group" when the idea of women voting was just that; an idea. It's been kind of a common practice for a while now, so what gives?

Anti-choice, conservative politicians try to tear down Planned Parenthood every chance they get, but PP works like mad to promote and provide birth control education and methods to women in order to REDUCE the number of abortions performed. PP also provides screenings and preventative care for female-specific conditions that have nothing to do with pregnancy prevention and EVERYTHING to do with keeping women alive and healthy, yet we get racked up there as a "special interest" right along with the pharmaceutical and tobacco industries.

So, as a woman who has this unreasonable sense of entitlement when it comes to, y'know, being alive.. I kind of have to cast my vote in the opposite direction of the party that doesn't seem to give a shit if I'm dead. Gosh, us girls and our fucked up logic. Good thing we're in the minority.

"the absence of hereditary or arbitrary class distinctions or privileges"

Well, where in the fuck does that leave that long line of politicians who all just HAPPENED to belong to the Skull and Bones society?

What is the point of government if not to provide for and protect its citizens in times of need? As a fairly young adult, all I've seen out of the red-state-party is fear propaganda and hate mongering. A big fatassed elephant stepping on gays and lesbians, minority religions, women, and the poor. The republicans appeal to YOU, the hard-working American citizen, proclaiming that they will not allow the "welfare class" to keep eating the tax money you invest in the country. What about when you need food stamps or medicaid? Oh shit, now YOU are one of the "welfare class". Good thing you voted for people who have no mercy for scum like you.

Is it just me, or does anyone else see a massive effort being made toward forming class distinctions that should not exist?

Before you vote or campaign for anyone, go to the website. I'll leave you with some parting facts about two of the scarier people who are currently aiming for the Presidential office.

Rick Santorum:

On Homosexuality:

Q: Should we outlaw homosexuality?

A: I have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with homosexual acts. As I would with other acts outside of traditional heterosexual relationships. And that includes a variety of different acts, not just homosexual. I have absolutely nothing against anyone who's homosexual. If that's their orientation, then I accept that. The question is, do you act upon that orientation? So it's not the person, it's the person's actions..

Q: So if somebody is homosexual, should they not have sex?

A: We have sodomy laws and they were there for a purpose. Because, I would argue, they undermine the basic tenets of our society and the family. And if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does.

Santorum wrongly claimed that "one in three pregnancies end in abortion" in the US when saying that abortion was to blame for funding problems for Social Security and Medicare. Santorum said: "The reason Social Security is in big trouble is we don't have enough workers to support the retirees. Well, a third of all the young people in America are not in America today because of abortion, because one in three pregnancies end in abortion."

First, fewer than one in four pregnancies ended in abortion in 2008, the most recent statistics available. Second, Santorum assumes the population is lower by a number equal to total abortions, but that's not the case. One analyst told us "most women obtain abortions to postpone childbearing not to prevent it altogether" and an unknown number of pregnancies would have ended in miscarriage.

Michelle Bachmann:

Bachmann [is involved in a] brouhaha over her counselor/husband Dr. Marcus Bachmann. He's the one who insists you can "pray away the gay." He's compared bisexuals and gays to "barbarians" who must be "disciplined." Meanwhile, she has lamented that involvement in "the gay and lesbian lifestyle" means "personal bondage" linked to "Satan."

Voted YES on banning federal health coverage that includes abortion. (May 2011)
Voted NO on expanding research to more embryonic stem cell lines. (Jan 2007)
Prohibit transporting minors across state lines for abortion. (Jan 2008)
Bar funding for abortion under federal Obamacare plans. (Jul 2010)
Prohibit federal funding to groups like Planned Parenthood. (Jan 2011)
Grant the pre-born equal protection under 14th Amendment. (Jan 2007)
Report on Medicaid payments to abortion providers. (Apr 2009)
Declare preborn as persons under 14th amendment. (Feb 2009)
End net neutrality; allow tiered Internet service. (Jan 2011)

Voted NO on enforcing against anti-gay hate crimes. (Apr 2009)

Q: You say that we don't win the war on terror by closing Guantanamo and reading Miranda rights to terrorists. Rep. Paul says terrorism suspects have committed a crime and should be given due process in civilian courts. Why is he wrong?

BACHMANN: Because terrorists who commit acts against US citizens, people who are from foreign countries who do that, do not have any rights under our Constitution, nor Miranda rights. We've also seen that Guantanamo Bay has yielded significant information. In fact, we've learned that that led to the capture and the killing of bin Laden. This is a tool that we need to have in order to be able to prostitute the new type of war, the new type of warfare, and the new type of terrorists that this country is dealing with.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is putting forward a very daring proposal for how to fix Social Security and Medicare. Bachmann spoke this past weekend at the right-wing Constitutional Coalition in St. Louis, Missouri, and put forth her plan:

"So, what you have to do, is keep faith with the people that are already in the system, that don't have any other options, we have to keep faith with them. But basically what we have to do is wean everybody else off," said Bachmann. "And wean everybody off because we have to take those unfunded net liabilities off our bank sheet, we can't do it. So we just have to be straight with people. So basically, whoever our nominee is, is going to have to have a Glenn Beck chalkboard and explain to everybody this is the way it is."
Source: Eric Kleefeld on TalkingPointsMemo.com Feb 9, 2010

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Yeah, I know everyone else is posting it, but I HAVE to.. Webcam 101 for Seniors



Oh, Bruce, you scamp!

This made me happy today on a number of levels. While this couple looks pretty spry to me (and apparently, still rockin' the RV every chance they get), an awful lot of older adults could benefit from technology and internet access which allows them to still be active and current in the world, despite any mobility or health issues that might otherwise reduce their access to life outside their homes. You go get em, Huffmans.

Why I'm never tagged in any Facebook party pictures (#1)

Believe it or not, what most people call "hate" can actually be healthy, or at least an indication that your brain still works well enough that it can survive the tidal wave of pointless stupidity that pop culture media tries to drown America in on a daily basis.

Yeah, bitches.. you heard me. SOME hate is healthy.

I hate reading or hearing about the Kardashians. I hate the fact that one cannot AVOID reading or hearing about the Kardashians. I do try, you understand. It's simply impossible, what with their mom, and all the press she can buy, literally hammering people in the head with the name "Kardashian" every time they get online, turn on their television, or go outside their homes. I find this so obnoxious that there is actually a little part of me that longs for the day that Google actually DOES become "Big Brother". Some "top men" at Google get to watch me take a bath (their problem, not mine), and I can filter this crap out of my life entirely with a command as simple as "-kardashian".

Take note of the fact that I did NOT say "I hate the Kardashians". That kind of blind hate is for the simple and ignorant, and that's not something I'll allow myself to become. I really don't think that the word "hate" is the best word for how I DO feel about the tsunami that is Kardashian, but it packs a wallop of venom that I just feel like spraying out at this subject. It's not the actual girls that I dislike, it's what comes with them and what they represent.

So here you go, girls. Let it all out. Add to this. Go for it.

It's OKAY to hate this shit. If you feel anger at the suggestion that you should support the Kardashian Empire..it's okay. Allow me to validate your rage. Here are two answered arguments that you may freely use to support your disgust at all things Kardashian.


Argument One:

(arguments will be phrased much the way I expect they would be phrased by the type of person who would rush to the defense of the Kardashians)

"They're so successful! So ambitious! You're just a jealous bitch and a HATER!"

RICH AND FAMOUS!!! FOR.... Nothing?

The secret of their success is... Daddy. Oh yeah, and Daddy's money. Isn't that where you get all YOUR money? From your Daddy? Well.. if it isn't, then clearly your priorities and values leave much to be desired.

The Kardashian girls have been QUITE successful at not running out of all that money because it's been invested wisely.. by their Mom. With Mom's pitbull-like grasp on her daughters, her business savvy, and her uncanny ability to exploit her children PAST the age of majority, those girls don't have a chance in hell at making the inexperienced decisions that they surely would if not so sternly directed. Under the guidance of She-Who-Owns-Bruce-Jenner, the Kardashians now lend their name to a clothing line that's giving white supremacists a fashionable new day in the sun. 

When your very first steps were paved with gold, your family's provided the best education, diet, and stylists for your ENTIRE LIFE, I should FUCKING hope you're ambitious enough to do something other than sit around on your ass. I'm sick to death of hearing about how ambitious these girls are. Their MOM is ambitious... ambitious to such a frightening extent that I firmly believe if the right advisor could convince her that amputees were in, she'd ask the girls over for brunch at Al's House of Fire-Axes, scheduled to provide enough healing time between a limb-ectomy and People Magazine's annual "Most Beautiful People" edition. For one thing, they don't have to do much to appear ambitious, because every time they lift a (well-planned and carefully staged) finger in front of the public eye, they turn donkey shit to gold ALL THROUGH THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION.

Even crazy Mommy Dearest can get a little excited and fail to read the fine print. In all fairness, she was probably still squinting, waiting for her henchmen to pull their shit together and kidnap a child (with the right genetic match this time, you morons!!!) whose corneas and youth-essence she could harvest, when she unwittingly plastered the half-naked and very expensive images of her offspring all over debit cards that were designed to both:

1. identify their user as a sad, pop-culture obsessed little fan-girl
and
2. to ass-rape the credit history of those users every time they so much as used those cards to buy a magazine (probably containing something about some guy that one of the Kardashians was fucking that week).

Argument Two:
"OMG, U R SOOOO MEAN. THE KARDASHIANS ARE NICE GIRLS WHO ARE REALLY NORMAL EVEN IF THEY R RICH! U JUST WISH U LOOKED LIKE THEM AND HAD THEIR MOENY!"

How nice are they, really?

I submit the following videos for your perusal:

A nice evening at home with the Kardashians



Nice, huh?

How about this next one with the Matriarch at the helm of a deal showcasing one girl, and suggesting to the others that it's a GOOD idea that the other two ride on her coattails later on ..



Oh come on, Khloe... you're ALMOST too fat to even be IN this family, and Kourtney, you're just ugly enough to be cute... like a Chihuahua. How about if I just start carrying you in my purse and maybe we can get a dog products line for you..?

From what I've seen, the Kardashians spend enough money on one lunch to feed a small family for a month, and then they don't even eat it because they're too busy arguing with each other about who's getting more attention from one week to the next. They have done some relatively normal things like getting knocked up and/or married, but when is the last time a network came banging down your door with a million-dollar deal to film you having it out with your douchebag boyfriend and your mom during the annual family-free-for-all at Thanksgiving dinner?

Finally, the Kardashians look as good as they do because they can afford to have ANYTHING and EVERYTHING painted, sprayed, tucked, frosted, conditioned, glossed, waxed, or lifted whenever they wish. With the right stylist and team of aetheticians, you wouldn't recognize and might probably hit on your own sister.

In case you don't want to take my word for it.. Behold...

Eva Longoria - Before and After

Photobucket

Not that anyone's going to break their ass trying to get into her panties, but here you go..

Barbara Streisand - Before and After

Photobucket

and finally, Christina Ricci, with and without makeup..

Photobucket

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Proof positive. I do more than bust balls on this blog.



Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Don't get me wrong, I really LOVE cats. I've had cats. I worked like a dog (heh) trying to get cats adopted out of the humane society where I used to work. That's not exactly easy to do when a surprisingly insane percentage of Americans fear or resent cats for various reasons. I'm all about some damn cats. I'm probably the person who would go back into the burning building for some cats, okay? But sweet jumpin' Jesus..

I'm all about some psychiatric medications when they're needed, too.
BITCH NEEDS SOME MEDS. STAT.

How did this video even get past her own PC? Is it just me, or does this not qualify as an "instant-delete" sample take, here? Did e-Harmony actually let this one through?

Wine. The lifeblood of suburbia?

Hello everyone. This topic has been annoying the holy shit out of me for quite a while now, but I had to wait til I was a bit tipsy to give it the full, context-appropriate attention it deserves.

Not too long ago, I saw an episode of the Tyra show that was about pot-smoking soccer moms. What a freaking mess. The guests included six pot smoking moms, and six moms that did nothing but but scream anti-pot slogans, over and over again at the pro-pot moms. Overall, it was somewhat entertaining. However, I couldn't see how anyone could fall on either side of the argument and feel that they were being represented well, as almost all of them acted like twats at one point or another.

On team "Legalize Weed", there was a mixed bag(gie.. lol), indeed. I'm changing names here to avoid any bullshit after I write this, but one of them, "Pam", was tall and blonde and came across like a supermodel who had retired to study quantum physics for fun. Pam had a seventeen year old daughter, and they lived in Southern California together using "smokeless marijuana" (like candies, brownies, etc) LEGALLY for medical treatment of anxiety and pain. Pam was the total package, and whatever point anyone might be trying to argue, anywhere, for any reason, she would have made an excellent representative. She was intelligent, well-spoken, hot, and not doing ANYTHING illegal. Quite frankly, looking at everyone else on the stage (other than Tyra), I couldn't help but wonder what the fuck she was doing there in the middle of them.

The other tokin' mamas ranged from a spunky young asian-american who looked like she was taking on irresponsible parenting to olympic levels ("Kimchi", just cause I feel like being a bitch), to  "Susan", the oldest with four kids who claimed to be a "professional lightweight" and that she smoked up after the kids went to bed. Susan equated smoking a little pot with having a glass of wine, and the irrepressable Kimchi threw out any credibility the group might have had by claiming that she smoked pot BEFORE playing with her kids because it made her feel like she was one of the kids. Just imagine that for a moment, will you?

Child: "Mama-san, I'm hungry..."

Kimchi:"AIIEEE *clutches purse* ME TOO, Sun-yeeon. OMG I ATE ALL YOUR CEREAL RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX. HEE HEE HEE. Oh, you look so FUNNY when you're hungry. HEE HEE HEE. Mama-san is sooooooo baked!"

Child: *calls feedthechildren.org and wonders how he can make his sandbox look like Malaysia when the cameras get here*

If it shocks you to hear that marijuana use is so prevalent that even suburban soccer moms are using it, you need to wake the fuck up. I know for fact that enough people use it that if you're going to control substances like tobacco and alcohol, it seems rather pointless to NOT include marijuana in that category. That's a whole other rant, though. The reason I'm bringing it up at all, is that I can't find a way to justify being intoxicated while in direct care of a child. I don't care what the hell you're intoxicated by, there are things you just shouldn't do. In regard to Susan, if she preferred weed to wine and didn't have a moral objection with either, then I could see why she used it to unwind when her kids were in bed... much in the way that people generally DO with a beer or glass of wine at night.

Now, looking at the other side of the stage were several other women who were flat-out against the use of marijuana in any way, with or without kids. Of course, they came at these confessed potheads like they were ready to burn them (and their contraband) at the stake. Watching them speak, I couldn't help but notice one stark, hypocritical trend that was plainly evident in the "moral majority" group.

Not a one of these women thought that downing a bottle of wine was a big deal. In fact, most of them indicated that drinking wine was definitely a part of their daily homemaking/mothering routine.

I've been observing this middle-to-upper-middle class female wine-slogging problem for a while. Facebook actually can tell you a lot of things if you post less, read more, and take note of certain words as they keep appearing on your friends list. Just taking the time tonight to click on the "older posts" link on my "most recent" FB feed, I came across no less than ten mothers I know who are more well to-do, church-going, and conservative than I am, posting such gems as:

"too much screaming. hate potty training. must drink chardonnay"

"they're not quite in bed yet, but they're heading there.. and I'm heading to the cabinet with all the pretty green bottles over the fridge"

"laundry+wine=happy"

"lets get all our kids and favorite wines together this weekend!"

"will post about (childs name removed)'s bday party l8r. having 3some with pinot AND grigio :-p"

"any of my gals want to come over and help me with a couple bottles of merlot?"

and my favorite..

"anyone know where I can take a shower in Arbor Mist?"

Here's the kicker. I'm not making any of these up. I got rid of the child's name just because I feel it would be inappropriate and that the kid can't help it if his/her mom is a wino.

Because it's Facebook, as you can probably guess, some of these women know each other. What's scary is that a lot of them DON'T. This isn't a regional fad. For whatever reason, an awful lot of women have it in their heads that they need to have booze in regular amounts in order to raise their children without flipping the fuck out. Worse still, they've got it built up in their minds that drinking WINE makes it somehow classier, as though they're all on camera as "Real Housewives" of wherever the fuck they're from, and drinking makes them some sassy, classy, rich bitches.

Man, I never fit in. Here I am with a kid of my own, and obviously some sort of problem which makes me totally OKAY being sober at home. I am such a fucking drag.