According to Seattle Pastor, 100% Of Men Are Gay.

According to Mark Driscoll, a popular Seattle pastor and head of the Mars Hill Ministry, masturbation is an act of homosexuality.

You heard him, guys. You're all totally fucking gay. Every last pud-pulling one of you.

Appletinis and Cosmos for all!!! It's rainin' men! Hallelujah!

Driscoll has apparently decided to kick his anti-porn campaign into high gear with his free new e-book, "Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation". While I have to hand it to the guy for being able to come up with a catchy title, he's clearly trying to take advantage of heterosexual men and their "OMFG I'M NOT GAY" knee-jerk reaction in an effort to scare people into supporting his own biblical interpretations. Within this e-book, Driscoll writes:

"...Masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he's watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body."

According to Driscoll, the only way to whack it straight is in the physical company of your own wife, or by looking at her pictures. He really doesn't touch (ha!) on the idea of women masturbating, so I guess he thinks it doesn't really happen enough to condemn it.

Yeah. This is clearly a worldly and educated man. He'll write a book about the spiritual pitfalls of internet porn, but he's somehow managed to miss all the vibrator ads that come side by side WITH the porn.

Driscoll's known as being hardcore in his old school interpretation of scripture, actively fighting against feminism, premarital sex, and modern-style interpretations of the Bible such as his assertion that in his church Jesus will NOT be viewed as ""a Richard Simmons, hippie, queer Christ... a neutered and limp-wristed popular Sky Fairy of pop culture that . . . would never talk about sin or send anyone to hell."

..but seriously, how effective are your auto-eroticisms going to get with a limp wrist?