Why I'm never tagged in any Facebook party pictures (#1)

Believe it or not, what most people call "hate" can actually be healthy, or at least an indication that your brain still works well enough that it can survive the tidal wave of pointless stupidity that pop culture media tries to drown America in on a daily basis.

Yeah, bitches.. you heard me. SOME hate is healthy.

I hate reading or hearing about the Kardashians. I hate the fact that one cannot AVOID reading or hearing about the Kardashians. I do try, you understand. It's simply impossible, what with their mom, and all the press she can buy, literally hammering people in the head with the name "Kardashian" every time they get online, turn on their television, or go outside their homes. I find this so obnoxious that there is actually a little part of me that longs for the day that Google actually DOES become "Big Brother". Some "top men" at Google get to watch me take a bath (their problem, not mine), and I can filter this crap out of my life entirely with a command as simple as "-kardashian".

Take note of the fact that I did NOT say "I hate the Kardashians". That kind of blind hate is for the simple and ignorant, and that's not something I'll allow myself to become. I really don't think that the word "hate" is the best word for how I DO feel about the tsunami that is Kardashian, but it packs a wallop of venom that I just feel like spraying out at this subject. It's not the actual girls that I dislike, it's what comes with them and what they represent.

So here you go, girls. Let it all out. Add to this. Go for it.

It's OKAY to hate this shit. If you feel anger at the suggestion that you should support the Kardashian Empire..it's okay. Allow me to validate your rage. Here are two answered arguments that you may freely use to support your disgust at all things Kardashian.


Argument One:

(arguments will be phrased much the way I expect they would be phrased by the type of person who would rush to the defense of the Kardashians)

"They're so successful! So ambitious! You're just a jealous bitch and a HATER!"

RICH AND FAMOUS!!! FOR.... Nothing?

The secret of their success is... Daddy. Oh yeah, and Daddy's money. Isn't that where you get all YOUR money? From your Daddy? Well.. if it isn't, then clearly your priorities and values leave much to be desired.

The Kardashian girls have been QUITE successful at not running out of all that money because it's been invested wisely.. by their Mom. With Mom's pitbull-like grasp on her daughters, her business savvy, and her uncanny ability to exploit her children PAST the age of majority, those girls don't have a chance in hell at making the inexperienced decisions that they surely would if not so sternly directed. Under the guidance of She-Who-Owns-Bruce-Jenner, the Kardashians now lend their name to a clothing line that's giving white supremacists a fashionable new day in the sun. 

When your very first steps were paved with gold, your family's provided the best education, diet, and stylists for your ENTIRE LIFE, I should FUCKING hope you're ambitious enough to do something other than sit around on your ass. I'm sick to death of hearing about how ambitious these girls are. Their MOM is ambitious... ambitious to such a frightening extent that I firmly believe if the right advisor could convince her that amputees were in, she'd ask the girls over for brunch at Al's House of Fire-Axes, scheduled to provide enough healing time between a limb-ectomy and People Magazine's annual "Most Beautiful People" edition. For one thing, they don't have to do much to appear ambitious, because every time they lift a (well-planned and carefully staged) finger in front of the public eye, they turn donkey shit to gold ALL THROUGH THE MAGIC OF TELEVISION.

Even crazy Mommy Dearest can get a little excited and fail to read the fine print. In all fairness, she was probably still squinting, waiting for her henchmen to pull their shit together and kidnap a child (with the right genetic match this time, you morons!!!) whose corneas and youth-essence she could harvest, when she unwittingly plastered the half-naked and very expensive images of her offspring all over debit cards that were designed to both:

1. identify their user as a sad, pop-culture obsessed little fan-girl
and
2. to ass-rape the credit history of those users every time they so much as used those cards to buy a magazine (probably containing something about some guy that one of the Kardashians was fucking that week).

Argument Two:
"OMG, U R SOOOO MEAN. THE KARDASHIANS ARE NICE GIRLS WHO ARE REALLY NORMAL EVEN IF THEY R RICH! U JUST WISH U LOOKED LIKE THEM AND HAD THEIR MOENY!"

How nice are they, really?

I submit the following videos for your perusal:

A nice evening at home with the Kardashians



Nice, huh?

How about this next one with the Matriarch at the helm of a deal showcasing one girl, and suggesting to the others that it's a GOOD idea that the other two ride on her coattails later on ..



Oh come on, Khloe... you're ALMOST too fat to even be IN this family, and Kourtney, you're just ugly enough to be cute... like a Chihuahua. How about if I just start carrying you in my purse and maybe we can get a dog products line for you..?

From what I've seen, the Kardashians spend enough money on one lunch to feed a small family for a month, and then they don't even eat it because they're too busy arguing with each other about who's getting more attention from one week to the next. They have done some relatively normal things like getting knocked up and/or married, but when is the last time a network came banging down your door with a million-dollar deal to film you having it out with your douchebag boyfriend and your mom during the annual family-free-for-all at Thanksgiving dinner?

Finally, the Kardashians look as good as they do because they can afford to have ANYTHING and EVERYTHING painted, sprayed, tucked, frosted, conditioned, glossed, waxed, or lifted whenever they wish. With the right stylist and team of aetheticians, you wouldn't recognize and might probably hit on your own sister.

In case you don't want to take my word for it.. Behold...

Eva Longoria - Before and After



Not that anyone's going to break their ass trying to get into her panties, but here you go..

Barbara Streisand - Before and After



and finally, Christina Ricci, with and without makeup..

Proof positive. I do more than bust balls on this blog.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Don't get me wrong, I really LOVE cats. I've had cats. I worked like a dog (heh) trying to get cats adopted out of the humane society where I used to work. That's not exactly easy to do when a surprisingly insane percentage of Americans fear or resent cats for various reasons. I'm all about some damn cats. I'm probably the person who would go back into the burning building for some cats, okay? But sweet jumpin' Jesus..

I'm all about some psychiatric medications when they're needed, too.
BITCH NEEDS SOME MEDS. STAT.

How did this video even get past her own PC? Is it just me, or does this not qualify as an "instant-delete" sample take, here? Did e-Harmony actually let this one through?

Wine. The lifeblood of suburbia?

Hello everyone. This topic has been annoying the holy shit out of me for quite a while now, but I had to wait til I was a bit tipsy to give it the full, context-appropriate attention it deserves.

Not too long ago, I saw an episode of the Tyra show that was about pot-smoking soccer moms. What a freaking mess. The guests included six pot smoking moms, and six moms that did nothing but but scream anti-pot slogans, over and over again at the pro-pot moms. Overall, it was somewhat entertaining. However, I couldn't see how anyone could fall on either side of the argument and feel that they were being represented well, as almost all of them acted like twats at one point or another.

On team "Legalize Weed", there was a mixed bag(gie.. lol), indeed. I'm changing names here to avoid any bullshit after I write this, but one of them, "Pam", was tall and blonde and came across like a supermodel who had retired to study quantum physics for fun. Pam had a seventeen year old daughter, and they lived in Southern California together using "smokeless marijuana" (like candies, brownies, etc) LEGALLY for medical treatment of anxiety and pain. Pam was the total package, and whatever point anyone might be trying to argue, anywhere, for any reason, she would have made an excellent representative. She was intelligent, well-spoken, hot, and not doing ANYTHING illegal. Quite frankly, looking at everyone else on the stage (other than Tyra), I couldn't help but wonder what the fuck she was doing there in the middle of them.

The other tokin' mamas ranged from a spunky young asian-american who looked like she was taking on irresponsible parenting to olympic levels ("Kimchi", just cause I feel like being a bitch), to  "Susan", the oldest with four kids who claimed to be a "professional lightweight" and that she smoked up after the kids went to bed. Susan equated smoking a little pot with having a glass of wine, and the irrepressable Kimchi threw out any credibility the group might have had by claiming that she smoked pot BEFORE playing with her kids because it made her feel like she was one of the kids. Just imagine that for a moment, will you?

Child: "Mama-san, I'm hungry..."

Kimchi:"AIIEEE *clutches purse* ME TOO, Sun-yeeon. OMG I ATE ALL YOUR CEREAL RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX. HEE HEE HEE. Oh, you look so FUNNY when you're hungry. HEE HEE HEE. Mama-san is sooooooo baked!"

Child: *calls feedthechildren.org and wonders how he can make his sandbox look like Malaysia when the cameras get here*

If it shocks you to hear that marijuana use is so prevalent that even suburban soccer moms are using it, you need to wake the fuck up. I know for fact that enough people use it that if you're going to control substances like tobacco and alcohol, it seems rather pointless to NOT include marijuana in that category. That's a whole other rant, though. The reason I'm bringing it up at all, is that I can't find a way to justify being intoxicated while in direct care of a child. I don't care what the hell you're intoxicated by, there are things you just shouldn't do. In regard to Susan, if she preferred weed to wine and didn't have a moral objection with either, then I could see why she used it to unwind when her kids were in bed... much in the way that people generally DO with a beer or glass of wine at night.

Now, looking at the other side of the stage were several other women who were flat-out against the use of marijuana in any way, with or without kids. Of course, they came at these confessed potheads like they were ready to burn them (and their contraband) at the stake. Watching them speak, I couldn't help but notice one stark, hypocritical trend that was plainly evident in the "moral majority" group.

Not a one of these women thought that downing a bottle of wine was a big deal. In fact, most of them indicated that drinking wine was definitely a part of their daily homemaking/mothering routine.

I've been observing this middle-to-upper-middle class female wine-slogging problem for a while. Facebook actually can tell you a lot of things if you post less, read more, and take note of certain words as they keep appearing on your friends list. Just taking the time tonight to click on the "older posts" link on my "most recent" FB feed, I came across no less than ten mothers I know who are more well to-do, church-going, and conservative than I am, posting such gems as:

"too much screaming. hate potty training. must drink chardonnay"

"they're not quite in bed yet, but they're heading there.. and I'm heading to the cabinet with all the pretty green bottles over the fridge"

"laundry+wine=happy"

"lets get all our kids and favorite wines together this weekend!"

"will post about (childs name removed)'s bday party l8r. having 3some with pinot AND grigio :-p"

"any of my gals want to come over and help me with a couple bottles of merlot?"

and my favorite..

"anyone know where I can take a shower in Arbor Mist?"

Here's the kicker. I'm not making any of these up. I got rid of the child's name just because I feel it would be inappropriate and that the kid can't help it if his/her mom is a wino.

Because it's Facebook, as you can probably guess, some of these women know each other. What's scary is that a lot of them DON'T. This isn't a regional fad. For whatever reason, an awful lot of women have it in their heads that they need to have booze in regular amounts in order to raise their children without flipping the fuck out. Worse still, they've got it built up in their minds that drinking WINE makes it somehow classier, as though they're all on camera as "Real Housewives" of wherever the fuck they're from, and drinking makes them some sassy, classy, rich bitches.

Man, I never fit in. Here I am with a kid of my own, and obviously some sort of problem which makes me totally OKAY being sober at home. I am such a fucking drag.