Wine. The lifeblood of suburbia?

Hello everyone. This topic has been annoying the holy shit out of me for quite a while now, but I had to wait til I was a bit tipsy to give it the full, context-appropriate attention it deserves.

Not too long ago, I saw an episode of the Tyra show that was about pot-smoking soccer moms. What a freaking mess. The guests included six pot smoking moms, and six moms that did nothing but but scream anti-pot slogans, over and over again at the pro-pot moms. Overall, it was somewhat entertaining. However, I couldn't see how anyone could fall on either side of the argument and feel that they were being represented well, as almost all of them acted like twats at one point or another.

On team "Legalize Weed", there was a mixed bag(gie.. lol), indeed. I'm changing names here to avoid any bullshit after I write this, but one of them, "Pam", was tall and blonde and came across like a supermodel who had retired to study quantum physics for fun. Pam had a seventeen year old daughter, and they lived in Southern California together using "smokeless marijuana" (like candies, brownies, etc) LEGALLY for medical treatment of anxiety and pain. Pam was the total package, and whatever point anyone might be trying to argue, anywhere, for any reason, she would have made an excellent representative. She was intelligent, well-spoken, hot, and not doing ANYTHING illegal. Quite frankly, looking at everyone else on the stage (other than Tyra), I couldn't help but wonder what the fuck she was doing there in the middle of them.

The other tokin' mamas ranged from a spunky young asian-american who looked like she was taking on irresponsible parenting to olympic levels ("Kimchi", just cause I feel like being a bitch), to  "Susan", the oldest with four kids who claimed to be a "professional lightweight" and that she smoked up after the kids went to bed. Susan equated smoking a little pot with having a glass of wine, and the irrepressable Kimchi threw out any credibility the group might have had by claiming that she smoked pot BEFORE playing with her kids because it made her feel like she was one of the kids. Just imagine that for a moment, will you?

Child: "Mama-san, I'm hungry..."

Kimchi:"AIIEEE *clutches purse* ME TOO, Sun-yeeon. OMG I ATE ALL YOUR CEREAL RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX. HEE HEE HEE. Oh, you look so FUNNY when you're hungry. HEE HEE HEE. Mama-san is sooooooo baked!"

Child: *calls feedthechildren.org and wonders how he can make his sandbox look like Malaysia when the cameras get here*

If it shocks you to hear that marijuana use is so prevalent that even suburban soccer moms are using it, you need to wake the fuck up. I know for fact that enough people use it that if you're going to control substances like tobacco and alcohol, it seems rather pointless to NOT include marijuana in that category. That's a whole other rant, though. The reason I'm bringing it up at all, is that I can't find a way to justify being intoxicated while in direct care of a child. I don't care what the hell you're intoxicated by, there are things you just shouldn't do. In regard to Susan, if she preferred weed to wine and didn't have a moral objection with either, then I could see why she used it to unwind when her kids were in bed... much in the way that people generally DO with a beer or glass of wine at night.

Now, looking at the other side of the stage were several other women who were flat-out against the use of marijuana in any way, with or without kids. Of course, they came at these confessed potheads like they were ready to burn them (and their contraband) at the stake. Watching them speak, I couldn't help but notice one stark, hypocritical trend that was plainly evident in the "moral majority" group.

Not a one of these women thought that downing a bottle of wine was a big deal. In fact, most of them indicated that drinking wine was definitely a part of their daily homemaking/mothering routine.

I've been observing this middle-to-upper-middle class female wine-slogging problem for a while. Facebook actually can tell you a lot of things if you post less, read more, and take note of certain words as they keep appearing on your friends list. Just taking the time tonight to click on the "older posts" link on my "most recent" FB feed, I came across no less than ten mothers I know who are more well to-do, church-going, and conservative than I am, posting such gems as:

"too much screaming. hate potty training. must drink chardonnay"

"they're not quite in bed yet, but they're heading there.. and I'm heading to the cabinet with all the pretty green bottles over the fridge"

"laundry+wine=happy"

"lets get all our kids and favorite wines together this weekend!"

"will post about (childs name removed)'s bday party l8r. having 3some with pinot AND grigio :-p"

"any of my gals want to come over and help me with a couple bottles of merlot?"

and my favorite..

"anyone know where I can take a shower in Arbor Mist?"

Here's the kicker. I'm not making any of these up. I got rid of the child's name just because I feel it would be inappropriate and that the kid can't help it if his/her mom is a wino.

Because it's Facebook, as you can probably guess, some of these women know each other. What's scary is that a lot of them DON'T. This isn't a regional fad. For whatever reason, an awful lot of women have it in their heads that they need to have booze in regular amounts in order to raise their children without flipping the fuck out. Worse still, they've got it built up in their minds that drinking WINE makes it somehow classier, as though they're all on camera as "Real Housewives" of wherever the fuck they're from, and drinking makes them some sassy, classy, rich bitches.

Man, I never fit in. Here I am with a kid of my own, and obviously some sort of problem which makes me totally OKAY being sober at home. I am such a fucking drag.