.. but not nearly as ashamed as I would be if you caught me in possession of any of these things.
See, it's not that I don't like having some nice things, nor do I begrudge others the joy of having nice things. My problem is with gratuitous demonstrations of wealth. No one needs a hat that's worth more than what some people make (and live on) in a year.
Like this one..
1. Darna "Lady Josephine" Black Hat
Price: $16,900.90
What the fucking fuck!!!????
I'm really feeling a little sick just looking at this. That's enough to buy a car or put a down payment on a house. That's enough money to take some people out of debt, get a decent used car, and put down a moderate amount on a house. This is a goddamn HAT made out of felt and ribbon that is worth more than your average full-time retail worker makes in a year before taxes.
Bitch, you better hope you're buried in this thing, and that you prepaid for your funeral.
2. Camel Loro Piana 100% Cashmere Coat with Russian Golden Sable
Price: $12,532.50
I bet it goes great with an ass-ugly black hat that costs more than the dead pomeranians used to make your coat! Gives you that whole "Sloppy Entitled Heiress" look. It's not even that these things are so expensive, which is really enough, but most of this stuff is so lacking in taste and style that I wouldn't touch it if it were on a clearance rack at JC Penneys.
In all seriousness, there better be some sort of microprocessor embedded in that hat that makes you qualified to LEAD MENSA, and there had better be some midgets sewn into the pockets of that coat who are cunning linguists, indeed. Fucking almost twenty grand for some tacky outerwear...
3. Velda Lauder Pewter Taffeta Deep Plunge Swarovski Corset
Price: $1,141.00
Now THIS, I think is awesome enough, but that's me. I got a thing for corsets. Have a freakin' baby and you'll have a thing for corsets, too. Do I think it's over a grand worth of awesome? No. This is an outfit for looking like a whore. There's nothing inherently wrong with that if it's
A: Your job to look like a whore (as in, you are one, or you are an exotic dancer/model)
or
B: It's an "every now and then" thing.
In either case, it's a lot of money on sparklies for something that's rather unlikely to EVER be seen in sunlight.
4. Hand Crocheted Red Metallic Snood Trimmed w/ Beads
Price: $4,999.00
Just in case the hat was a little flashy or pricey for you. Nothing says sexy like a snood that could have paid for someone's laser eye surgery.. WHO THE FUCK WEARS A SNOOD? Better question, who would spend five grand on a snood instead of like, bills, or spaying/neutering 500 dogs. SOMETHING. What excitement do you get out of a snood, when you could spend THOUSANDS less and get..
5. LELO Yva Vibrator
Price: $1,500.00
Girls, the natural order of things has somehow gone horribly, horribly awry.
No one who possesses a pussy should be subject to a credit check to pay for something to go in it. If anything, it's supposed to work in the opposite way. Yes, I said it. We all know it's true. Let it go.
I can justify even up to $100 on am exceptionally good vibrator, though I have to admit that the best and longest lasting vibe I've ever owned was a cheap-ass plastic one that my friend got me ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO from Spencers, and it still runs like a top today.
You could look at it a different way, as though you think so highly of your snatch that you simply must have sensual massagers plated with 14-karat gold OR NOTHING AT ALL.
In which case, you might as well close down shop, because no one will ever think as highly of your twat as you do.
Now, onto the items that only one dumbassed man would buy..
6. Nocturnal Penile Tumescence Monitor For Erectile Dysfunction Test
Price: $4,325.00
I have said it before, and it's true. You guys worry way too much about your dicks. All I did to get that last text link was search Google for "penis size, length, and function", and I got about 15,300,000 results. The embarrassingly expensive device that I have shown here has two pads that you stick to your dick and (from as much as I can tell) sleep with, so you no longer have to stay up at night worrying about whether your dick is eroding or whatever it is that you're afraid they'll do. This thing records dick activity overnight and records the data so that you can pore over whether its normal or not in the morning.
So just in case NOTHING AT ALL was wrong with your penis, you can worry yourself straight into ED. Why wait til age and failing health slow your roll? Start undermining your ability to obtain and maintain an erection today!
7. Authentic Japanese Armor
Price: $23,498.00
Why pay off your house or other debts, when you could be a tacky fuck and put this in your living room? Probably right below the wall-hanging that depicts your favorite NASCAR driver, and right across from the Glamour Shots of your wife. This thing will really tie the whole room together. If you click on the picture, you'll be taken to where you can buy it. The seller states that the armor is made to fit an average sized Japanese man, but that custom orders are available.
Beat up your #58 Jimmy Johnson fan neighbor in THIS. Go all Samurai on his motherfucking ass. I bet that son of a bitch takes that flag BACK in the house, right before the cops come to arrest the best work-related joke they'll have for the YEAR
.8. John Deere GOLD Plow City Tractor Set
Price: $1,750.00
Since you're going all out on the armor, why not throw down a little more. These GOLD John Deere toys are not only NOT actually gold, despite their awe-inspiring appearance, they do NOT actually cue a chorus of angels when you open the box.
9. Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon
Price: $1,495.00
I put this in the men's section on purpose. Group man sex is the only way I can possibly justify the necessity of this much lube at one time. This has to be an environmental hazard and dangerous to transport.
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