E-tarded: A Night to De-Member

*This post has undergone a much-needed edit and is being published again to better clarify my intentions

Okay, guys.

WTF?

I just got off the phone with a female friend of mine. Our conversation was about your penis.

Yes, yes it was.

Before she called me, she had been happily chatting with YOU. She was a little excited, thinking that you were attractive and fun, and that it seemed like things were moving along nicely toward the point that she could find herself comfortable enough to consider pulling out her best moves in the sexual encounter that she could now picture herself engaging in with you. She was starting to think about having sex with you, because you had made it to her intellectual second base and now she was picturing you naked. Oh, how close you came, buddy.

But you blew it. You blew it big time.

You did something so horrendously inappropriate that she felt compelled to call me and ask me just what in the hell she should do now.

Guys, honestly... This is a problem. You can't just whip it out. I don't understand why, but there is obviously a lot of confusion about this issue. Let's just try to clear it up now, okay?

You can't do it in public. If you do, you're legally considered a sexual predator and can be arrested for it. It is considered unsolicited sexual behavior, etc...

But let's just break it down, alright?

It's just not polite to point. It's REALLY impolite to point at certain areas of a person's body, and that appendage of yours has a pretty accurate guidance system. Besides which, women kind of put phalluses in the same threat category as vampires in that they aren't supposed to comfortably move about in daylight, religious symbolism is supposed to AT LEAST slow them down, and they can't come in unless they're invited. Start operating outside of those standards, and you do to the dating game what 28 Days Later did to zombies; you now have something inflamed and enraged that you can't even outrun, AND IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO FREAKIN' WORK THAT WAY.

Unless we specifically get freaky and ASK you for a picture of your member, sending it to us will upset us on a number of levels. It may surprise you to learn that what often upsets us the most is the massive responsibility that you've thoughtlessly heaved onto the unsuspecting woman who's now in a staring match with Mr. Cyclops.

Pray tell, O man, what is the response that you're expecting?

Try to think with the big head for just a second. Okay, good.. now that the blood is flowing back into the area of your body that is (supposedly) where your seat of empathy lies, try to put yourself in the sweaty pumps of your potential partner. What in the FUCK is she supposed to say when you abruptly STOP talking and start just hanging out the one part of your body that you are the most emotionally fragile about? It is, at once, both the most disrespectful shortcut to her girlie parts that you could possibly take, and the greatest self-inflicted punishment a man could dream up, and you've left the determination between those two extremes solely at the discretion of the stunned woman who didn't plan on talking to your dick today.

If you're sadist or a masochist, or you're looking for a sadist or a masochist, then MAYBE this could be a really quick way of getting through a singles event. Even then, its kind of a dick move (pardon the pun).

Again, I implore you to look at this from our perspective. Prematurely exposing your most private of parts is interpreted by a woman as a "put out or get out" alert, and it usually comes at time that she's just getting a tingle of sexual attraction to you. You've as good as told her that you're not interested in getting to know her anymore and you're not wasting another breath talking to her unless she takes a good look at your dick and says "yeah, I'll just hop right on that". Most women will not declare themselves ready for boarding just at the sight of dick, and if they do, there is something wrong with her. Either she's got boundary issues that will manifest themselves into various degrees of psychosis in the near future, or she's got other souvenirs to give you that you're not going to want cluttering up your travel-bags later on.

In order to make it clear that she is NOT a slut or anything like what I described in the previous paragraph, she cannot be too positive in whatever she says about the unexpected penis before her. She ALSO knows that if she says anything negative, it could end the relationship then and there when you shrink up like a scared turtle. More than that, given the extreme sensitivity that men exhibit at ANY and EVERYTHING related to their penises, she's not sure if you're going to come away from this with a permanent wound that she didn't mean to inflict.

How is this fair, man? You guys flip out about your independence and freedom when we ask why you didn't call, as though we were trying to shove a GPS tracking device in your anus. We're usually asking because you usually call. When you didn't, we were probably concerned for a variety of reasons, not the least of which include "Oh shit, is he dead? This guy texts me fifteen times a day and today I haven't heard from him in ten hours". Goddamn.. how dare we forget to read your mind and understand that THIS is the day you were going to pretend that you're Rambo and you're going into the bush (haaa..) for two weeks and can't be contacted til all the bad guys are little smouldering bloody piles in the jungle.

See, in one situation, we're expected to extricate ourselves with all the precision of a neurosurgeon, carefully avoiding any damage to the highly sensitive areas that we now can't HELP but be in direct contact with. In the other, if we show the slightest bit of concern when a situation moves from "status: normal" to "WTF", we're treated like soul-sucking harpies, hell-bent on emasculating you by demanding that you show us common courtesy.

This sexual faux-pas seems to happen more often than ever, what with the ready availability of camera phones. Before everyone had cameras in their phones, there were digital cameras and chatrooms. I had a few girlfriends that used to hang out in the same online social areas that I did, and between us, we had pictures of almost every guy who frequented that same area. We went so far as to play "Guess That Screenname!", trying to match the dick to the dickhead who sent it. This is not as cold and cruel a practice as you guys might think. This was us, making the best out of an awkward and uncomfortable situation. We felt lucky to have each other, because at least we had someone to bounce a sample response off of whenever cock would invariably show up in our inboxes, with little to no warning of its arrival.

Which leaves me where I am today. Having gone through an entire conversation that revolved around:

1: Not hurting a guy's feelings
2: Not being a slut
3: Preserving that guy's chance at ACTUALLY GETTING SOME
4: Trying to appropriately handle an extremely inappropriate situation
5: Justifying the continuation of a heterosexual lifestyle, despite godawful problems like this that come with it.

Oh, and we did talk about length, girth, color, angle, and all of the other shit you're probably worrying about. This was mainly a way to diffuse the discomfort of the situation that this girl had found herself in. Trust me when I say this... unless you've got a serious case of micropenis or there were visible surface abnormalities, we didn't judge you by any of those penile stats that I mentioned.

We DID, however, judge you for sending it to her. That's strike one, provided you haven't done anything even dumber before this. If you're smart, you'll apologize.

Here are some GOOD and BAD ways to try and recover from exposing yourself like the quintessential pervert with a trenchcoat:

-GOOD-
"I'm sorry. That was really impulsive of me. I'm just so turned on by you that I did it without thinking. I hope we can move on from this really out-there thing that I did"

-BAD-
"Now how's about some quid pro quo, baby?"

-GOOD-
"I'm really feeling kind of shy and embarrassed about sending that pic. I want to ask you what you think about it, but it wasn't cool of me to put you on the spot like that"

-BAD-
"Can we fuck now?"

-GOOD-
"Ok, ok... my bad. You don't have to say ANYTHING. Let's let it go, and you will see it in person if and when you WANT to see it. I did something that was very inconsiderate of you and I'm sorry. I just got excited and was being an idiot"

-BAD-
"No, seriously. I need to see a picture of your vagina RIGHT NOW. Unless I can get delivery in 30 minutes or less? Plz?"

In short (and if you're gonna send us a picture of it, you better pray that it ISN'T), COULD YOU PLEASE STOP SENDING US UNSOLICITED DICK PICS?

Thank you. This Public Service Rant has been provided to the general public courtesy of thefemininecontext.blogspot.com, on behalf of MILLIONS OF CREEPED OUT WOMEN WHO MIGHT OTHERWISE HAVE BLOWN YOU... had you not blown it for yourself.

-------

*Bear in mind before you go all OMFG SHE IS SLUT-SHAMING AND OMFG THE RAPE-CULTURE/PATRIARCHAL WRONGNESS.. Trust me, I know. In fact, I completely agree. Unfortunately, all the "wrong" things said here are common things that women think having been indoctrinated by the patriarchal and archaic rape-culture we've been brought up in. This entire post is basically derived from many, many conversations I've had with other women about this subject, including the commonalities between all of those conversations (i.e.; "I can't look like a slut. Was I being slutty? I like him so now what do I do?"). So to clarify a point or two..

- Slut-shaming is wrong. Internalizing it to the point that you'll participate in your own victim-blaming is really messed up. Tragically, one of the first things a woman does when placed in a sexually-charged, undesirable, unwanted situation like this is to check HERSELF for anything she did to deserve what has befallen her. Maybe we need less red, embarrassed female faces and more drinks being thrown into lascivious, expectant asshole man-faces that are awaiting a response.

- Having to tiptoe around an ugly-ass situation that someone ELSE created in an effort to spare that aggressors' feelings is REALLY wrong, and is holding the victim responsible for what the aggressor has foisted upon her. Even worse, this happens to women and girls every day. As a culture, we have so internalized the idea that women bear all sexual responsibility, they often go straight to work trying to salvage a situation that they should remove themselves from (dating a disrespectful prick, for example), and should never have been exposed to (pardon the contextual pun) to begin with.

- Exposing oneself in person is a crime, punishable by law (that is, if you can convince the law you're not a slut who asked for it, which is fucked up). Just because you put Mr. Willy in a digital format instead of actively whipping it out and trying to touch her with it, AND can legally get away with it, doesn't make it any less unwarranted, unwanted, or inappropriate. Keep it in your pants, and by "it", I mean the collective "it" which includes your genitals and the phone or device that contains any pics taken of your genitals.

- I'm sick to death of having conversations with my friends about how best they must navigate the obstacle course of disgusting behaviors they endure out of the obtuse neanderthals they are dating. Here's something worth considering. A logical breakdown.

Following the logic that women have to obsess over every last thing they say, do, wear, etc, because of the commonly accepted idea that men cannot conduct themselves in safe, non-violent, socially acceptable manner when exposed to sexual stimuli in any amount, the idea of locking them up in cages most of the time would be both LOGICAL and SOUND in the interest of protecting women and children. 

If men are so driven by sexual impulse that cannot be trusted to not sexually assault, rape, or become violent/aggressive/unstable when a woman is present, the responsibility falling on the woman/potential victim, I'm guessing we should lock them up like we do anyone else who we (as a society) determine are so likely to harm others if they are free to roam.

I don't want to lock the entire heteronormative male gender in a cage. Maybe it might be a better idea for them to grow the fuck up and start learning to tell themselves, and their penises, "no". That's what human beings are supposed to do when childhood is over and their parents aren't there to tell them "no".

Why Men Call Women "Crazy" - Turns Out That It's Total Bullshit Like We Thought It Was

From "On Labeling Women 'Crazy'" by Harris O'Malley on HuffPost:

"Back in the bad old days, I was notoriously self-absorbed. It wasn't that I thought that I was the greatest thing ever, it was just that I didn't really stop to spare too many thoughts for others. I was willing to make an effort for others, but only so far as it didn't really inconvenience me past a "reasonable" point. I didn't want to have long drawn out conversations about how my behavior made my girlfriend feel and I certainly didn't want to get dragged into what I saw as unnecessary drama. In fact, I was incredibly drama-averse, thanks to an early unhealthy relationship.

As a result... well, I wasn't willing to consider how others were feeling. When the woman I was dating would try to explain to me how the way I treated her felt, I would tell her that she was seeing things. She was overreacting to inconsequential stuff. She was being over-sensitive, reading things into what I was saying or doing that just weren't there.

The subtext to everything I was saying was simple: "You are behaving in a way that I find inconvenient, and I want to you to stop." I wasn't willing to engage with her emotionally and address her very real concerns because I was too wrapped up in my own shit to think about other people. As a result, I would minimize her issues. By telling her that she was reading too much into things, I was framing the situation as her being irrational.

I didn't realize it at the time, but what I was doing was, in effect, telling her that she didn't have the right to feel the way she felt... because I didn't want her to feel that way."


I would love to see more of this kind of thought process from men. The patriarchal status quo ain't helpin THEM out either, making them all out to be emotionally-challenged, overgrown children who are incapable of interacting with others without gratuity. That's not healthy for anyone, and its not true. Following the societal norms of  traditional gender roles to the letter; fearful, skeptical, and cynical of any deviation, does nothing more than entrap us in unhappy lifestyles and a dangerous, violent culture.

The Feminine Context

Craigslist of Ridiculous Demands: Men Seeking Women for Godawful Reasons

If ever you are single and feeling down about it, all you need to do is pop over to Craigslist and take a good long look at who's looking for YOU..

Fo' real, bitches. Ten minutes into just scanning over a few posts in "Men Seeking Women" and I was seriously trying to figure out the logistics of getting my vagina stitched shut.

Let's look at some real winners from the Dallas area...

From the ad:

"First of all I'm in the Phoenix area, so if you are what I'm looking for, you'll also have to be willing to move here. It's a nice place actually and great weather. I'm SWM, mid 40s, professional, handsome, successful, 5'11" 185lb, non smoker, light drinker. I own a very nice home (though it could use a woman's touch) and have all kinds of fun toys. My interests include Harleys, Corvettes, Dirt Bikes, Motor Sports, Photography, Guns, Shooting, Home improvement and do it yourself projects. I'm upbeat and like to enjoy my free time as much as possible."

Translation: I GOTS MONIES. YEAH. THAT'LL GET EM.

To elaborate on that point, the man kindly leaves us another picture:

"You'll need to like weekend trips to Vegas or the California coast. I'm Looking for a girlfriend and possibly future wife 18-35 with a figure, no kids and also a lady who might enjoy (or would like to) model for hot high heel, mini skirt theme photos and video. Photography is a huge interest of mine and I'd like to find a partner who enjoys modeling and is very photogenic. Do you like to play dress up and pose for photos or perform for the video camera? Is this something you've fantasized about? Would like to find a husband who encourages your exhibionist tendencies? You are my type if you do. I'll spoil MY girl rotten, hair styling, manicures, pedicures, heels, hot outfits, etc. Yes, everything it takes to make YOU my hot little Model and beautiful girlfriend or wife. Send a pic with reply. You may be just the girl I've been looking for : ) "

Translation: I AM TOTALLY WILLING TO PAY FOR ALL THE SHIT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK AS PLASTIC AS POSSIBLE. THAT IS PRETTY MUCH ALL I AM LOOKING FOR SINCE I HAVEN'T SUGGESTED A SINGLE PERSONALITY TRAIT THAT I AM ALSO LOOKING TO FIND.

"Want huge implants as in DDD to G??? Major bonus points if you do because that's the look I want my woman to have. Yes, you need to want to be a huge boobs hottie!"

There better be a health plan involved, because some bitch is going to undergo early spinal failure trying to hold them things up. Oh, gentleman.. do you also plan on providing steel-reinforced breast scaffolds? Cause anyone with a waist as tiny as you seem to require is going to need some additional support keeping those boobs upright.

OH! and here's another..this guy's looking for a "country gal" who's all about breaking every cardinal rule of meeting someone over the internet..

"Ok so this the deal I am white male 34 years old and I am going on vacation the week of thanksgiving to my parents cabin. Were going to cookout hunt drink beer drink wiskey what ever the night unfolds. So im looking for a country girl that would enjoy this sort of thing this event can be platonic or romantic all depends on are vibe I guess. There are seperate beds and all that so dont have to worry about sleeping together if thats something your worried about. Really just want the company and too have a good time. So taking applicants lol send me email some info on yourself and some pics. Yee Yee!!!!! (Ps some of the pics are from when we have been working on it as we speak so its work in progress lol)..."

Oh, sure.. why not? I'll just pack up mah country bumpkin ass, get in your truck (which I assume you have), and just hit the road on a major family holiday out to your cabin! Yee...

wha?

Oh yeah, there's this picture that opens up the ad..

Three hours outside of town in a half-built cabin with someone I've never met? Yeah, I think I'll pass, buddy... that's a damn Lifetime thriller waiting to happen.

So having been completely creeped out by what Dallas had to offer today, I checked out Knoxville, TN

Then I found this:

Really, the creepiness of this speaks for itself. Even the babies look freaked out..

"Hi, are there any women on here who are at their point in life where they have not found the right person to have a family with, but time is running out for whatever reason and would like to make one now. Not in the next couple of years but rather sooner than later? I am an Asian man in the same boat and looking for someone to make a family or child together. I am not here to play games or beat around the bush. I dont care what race you are or maybe you have a kid already but must be open to having more. Please put "BABY" in the title so I know you are real and not a bot or spam. But more importantly tell me about you and send me some photos of you also, would like to see who I am talking to."

Love how seeing a photo of his breeding stock is a mere footnote to the whole post about impregnating her.. *shudder*

LOVE this one... real dream of a guy...

"Hello and no im not looking just for sex !

If you do drugs please do Not waste my time.

Why do u email me thin never email me back after I reply,,U women are so unpredictable .you all must like playing games!!"

Us women, we're such unpredictable, game-playing sillies! I bet I can predict how many dates you get when you heap the responsibility of all of your bad dating experiences on US! Could it possibly be that your poor grasp of the English language, paired with your excessive, aggressive, desperation-infused use of exclamation points is scaring the ladies away? Oh wait.. he goes on..

"Why is it so hard to find someone these days I will never no,,I dont understand what women want these days.please no judgemental women,,be nice"

You girls will never "no". Le sigh...

Sarcasm FTW! "Rape Prevention" PSA Kicks Serious Ass

TFC heartily approves this message, brought to you byAll India Bakchod kicks rape culture norms in the ass and out in the open for all to see. Good work, y'all!

Direct link here: "It's Your Fault"
The Feminine Context

"Not Really" Is Still "No". One Man's Introspective Article

Anyone who has read this blog can easily detect my feminism within a few posts. It's not something I hide, I don't consider "feminism" a bad word, and I don't use feminism as a way to assault men. As a feminist, I tend to worry less about what men are doing, and find myself most often taking offense at the behaviors of other women who want to reap the rewards of feminism while abandoning the personal responsibility of earning them.

That being said, I'm not a mysogynist. Sexual politics within any culture are complex by nature, built upon historical, religious, economical, and other factors. To unravel an issue, means that one must take the time to untie all of the good intentions and practical measures that somehow developed into a likely unintentional problem. With the efforts of many individuals on different ends of the discussion, there can be some understanding and resolution.

This is why I ADORE you, Hugo Schwyzer.

His bio, from his website:

"Hugo Schwyzer is an American author, speaker and professor of history and gender studies at Pasadena City College. He presents workshops on body image, sexual harassment, rape prevention, and the “myth of male weakness.” He is also a frequent guest on nationally syndicated radio programs and has appeared on CNN and CTV (Canada) as an expert on body image, sexuality and gender justice."


I came across one of Mr. Schwyzer's articles today, and simply HAD to share it..


From "Accidental rape. I knew I hadn't committed a crime but..."


"Most “good guys” take a woman’s firm “No!” for an answer. (Those who don’t are best left to the ministrations of our criminal justice system.) But lots of men are like the guy I was at 19—assuming that while “no means no” anything short of a firm “no” is either a “yes” or a “keep at it, boy, because you just might get a ‘yes’ soon.” Call it male sexual legalism, the first rule of which is “All that is not expressly prohibited is assumed to be permitted.” That legalism can turn many men into accidental rapists"

We need more of this guy, and less of this guy..

The Feminine Context

Since you asked.. Men and Dating.

Apparently, sometimes it takes a goddamn backhoe to level the playing field.

Here are some things to avoid when talking to women, whether in person, email, chat, or text, that we women assume you'll avoid if you really want to talk to us. Never make an assumptions, I guess.

- Don't Blow Your Wad -

By that, I mean don't spend more than you can afford on a fun night out. What the hell did you THINK I meant? Flashing your money around makes a woman feel like you're trying to "buy" her, and it makes you come across as either arrogant or highly insecure, even in non-dating situations. I'm sure this comes as a surprise to some men.. those "some" men being the type that see us women as ravenous, wallet-devouring beasts. It's okay. Some of us are. It's not any sort of way to be, but women can be this way for a variety of reasons, all of which should indicate to you that she's got problems and is not someone you should date. Some of these reasons are as follows:

- She's got a bad history of being taken advantage of, and she's hell-bent on not letting it happen again.

- She's got a bad history of being taken advantage of, and she's exacting revenge.

- She is immature and not a good candidate yet for an adult relationship

- She is irresponsible and inconsiderate

- She relies on single friends and the Lifetime/Oxygen network for dating advice. Prolonged watching of either of them will leave her with a rough expectation that all men are either rapists/cheaters/beaters and you should put them through hoops to ward off any man who isn't a shoe-buying, oblivious, opinionless drone. Extra points if you dump the drone for a bad boy and make the drone go through hell to get you back. That always makes for good drama.

- She's a Barbie looking for her Ken. She's high-maintenance, passive-aggressive, pretends to put you in control, but let's face it.. the Dream House and the Convertible is always packaged with WHOSE name on the box?

If you're still convinced that this is ALL women, and you base this on your own dating experience, it might behoove you to examine any similarities between the women you've dated. You're probably seeking a woman like this out, and then getting mad about it later. Next time you have an instinct about some girl being perfect for you, try to find a woman who is her exact opposite. You'll probably be happier in the long run, and you might actually have a relationship MAKE IT to the "long run". Some of the "emotional baggage" reasons that I gave are usually temporary conditions, so if you see something special in a woman who seems to suffer from one of the first three issues I described, she might very well be over that phase in a few months. Give it a try again later. She might feel better and be less inclined to make you a part of her rebound process if you wait.

If you ARE trying to impress a woman, you'll do a lot better by taking her on a "low pressure" date, that you can spiff up without breaking your bank. Mainly, take her somewhere that's clean and well-lit. Don't OVERLOAD the date if you can't really afford it. Stick with dinner and maybe drinks, instead of dinner and a movie and somewhere with a big-ass cover charge. It's about QUALITY, not quantity. You're trying to warm her up, not blow off her freakin' eyebrows.

- Don't Be A Cheap Bastard, Be a Clever Bastard -

This MIGHT sound like a direct contradiction to the previous point, but it's not. I said "don't spend more than you can afford". There's a big and obvious difference between draining your bank account to party like a rockstar for ONE date, and expecting a woman to enjoy a first dinner date consisting of items off the dollar menu at McDonalds.

If you don't have a lot of money, then you need to slow your roll. If you're too impatient to try and arrange some casual non-date meetups for beverages of some variety or another (coffee, cocktails, whatever), then you're not going to get to know the woman well enough to determine if you DO want to spend the money on a nice dinner or event. If you barely know a woman and manage to talk her into a date, every thing you do on that date is going to be making a major impression because of the importance placed on the event. It's now a "date", rather than a "hey, I'm going to be over at _______ on Thursday night because I like the band that's playing. Maybe I'll see you?"

There are lots of things out there to do that don't cost an arm and a leg, and a woman who wants to be with you would be happy to go do them with you. I don't play golf, but I was overjoyed to go play (TERRIBLY, I might add) with a man I liked a lot who asked me to go with him. It's what he did with his time, and I was really happy that he wanted me to be part of that. We went to a really cheap little public course and had a blast. Now, bear in mind.. it was ME, so I acted like I was going to run him down with the cart a few times and made him let me drive it. Still, both of us had a good time. We met out places where there was live music, we got to know each others' friends and had fun hanging out as a group. We stopped dating because he and I just didn't click, but at least we had fun going places together. He took me out to some very nice places too, but I didn't expect him to just pony up the dough right offhand to "impress" me. Oh, and we did have pretty good sex.

I know that's what some of you are wondering. If it "went anywhere", and yes.. OH yes, it did.

-  You Asked Her Out, You'd BETTER Have A Plan -

If you ask a woman to go on a date, how in the HELL do you not know what you're going to go do on that date? Inex-fucking-cuseable. When you meet up for that date and you say "I dunno, what do you want to do?", you've made it abundantly clear that you're not interested enough in her to come up with an plan. If you haven't come up with a single idea, that tells her that while she was excitedly anticipating this date, you just woke up and realized it was Friday and time to go somewhere. A man without a plan is really unappealing, and it also makes the woman feel like she's made herself to accessible to you before she's even had the chance to get to know you.

If you ever want to get laid, you will have well-laid plans. This includes having a back-up plan in case your original plan gets rained out/sold out/otherwise cancelled.

- You Got 99 Problems But A Bitch Ain't One -

I really can't believe that this even has to be discussed, but you guys keep shooting yourself in the foot with this one SO often that it's worth mentioning.

Don't talk about dating. Don't talk about how you date, and why all your other dates have failed, and most of all don't tell a woman that you have a method of dealing with women, in general. A woman has a pretty solid method of dealing with a man who says shit like that, and that is to boot his ass as hard as she can into her "Never Again! PS: Tell girlfriends about THIS douchebag" pile of would-be suitors.

I'll put it to you this way... we all know that during the course of anyone's life, there will be numerous relationships, heartache, and the accumulation of baggage. No one's perfect, but some people handle these life events better than others, and thus, some people are a bit more stable. Unstable people make everyone nervous. If you were to end up at the Post Office and the person waiting on you looked twitchy and detached, you'd probably get the hell out of there before the shotgun came from behind the counter, fully expecting it to, in fact, BE behind the counter for just the time that Mr. Overburdened Postman finally handled one too many sacks of mail and flipped the fuck out.

That's kind of what you look like when you talk about all the bad shit that women have heaped upon you in your life. Any woman sober enough to pay attention is going to get the FUCK away from you before she inadvertently becomes that one mail-sack too many. By indicating this much pent-up anger and hurt over all the ills caused you by women in the world, it also makes the woman feel like you're laying "traps" so that you can blame her too, for whatever accidental or imagined slight you're undoubtedly going to accuse her of.

If you're trying to get close to a woman, she's going to be a lot more receptive if you let her know that you respect her individuality. Shit, man.. LIE if you have to. Start lumping everyone with ovaries into one group and talk about them like they're an illogical, predatory, different species, and you're going to offend the ovary-bearing individual in front of you. You're going to make her nervous, or even afraid of that obvious hostility you have toward (what seems to her) every woman you can think to talk about. Phrases that sound anything like these will knock you out of the running for any woman who might actually be worth your time:

"See, the trick to dealing with women is.."
"I don't let women do _______"
"Oh, you wouldn't believe how awful my last four dates were.."
"Women are ____ because they don't understand.."
"My dating strategy is..."
"My ex was a real piece of work.."
"I hate my (really, insert anything here, It doesn't matter. You're already Debbie Downer, so go nuts)"

Really? You want to let someone you're interested in know that you've been so unsuccessful at this that you've had the time to develop a "strategy"?

- Don't Be a Bully -

So, picture this. You go out to dinner with a woman you're really into, and the waiter just can't seem to get his shit straight. The guy messes up your drink orders, brings stuff late and cold, and forgets to come back to the table at regular intervals. One of the first reactions you might have would be to make an issue of it. After all, you're trying to impress this girl, so why not take this opportunity to stand up for her? STAND UP FOR HER AND THOSE CURLY FRIES THAT CAME OUT COLD, DAMMIT!

You're better off to remain calm and act like it's no big deal. Make sure you do what you can to get your order straight, politely and discreetly talk to the manager if you must, but DON'T give her any indication that you're agitated. Women take a bad service situation as an opportunity to see how you treat people when conflict arises, and it's a big deal. Being rude or aggressive to someone who's serving you is going to make you look like an asshole, and assholes don't get another date. The woman who thinks that this kind of behavior is "charming" and takes your macho act as chivalry, is also trying to figure out how much disposeable income you have to spend on her.

PS: If you're covering the check and doing so politely and discreetly, you don't have to tip that piece of shit waiter. Just don't make a big freakin' deal about either covering the check or tipping him, and she'll never know. If you're covering the check and you pretend to go into cardiac arrest when you look at the bill, it doesn't count. You might as well have gone dutch and saved yourself some money.

- Don't Criticize -

The really great thing about dating is that you're only committed for that one date, that one time, unless you ask the woman out for another one. If you've got even constructive criticism for the woman you're dating, then you can place your concern in one of two categories:

Not really important

and

Deal-breaker

Neither of these concerns are worth bringing up on a date. It's a "date" not an intervention. Either let it go or don't go out with her anymore. Anything in between is really none of your fucking business unless you're thinking about marrying her.

Praising the Bar

I love to watch people. They're fucking hilarious, especially when they're trying to get laid. Of all creatures on the Earth, human beings really look the most awkward during coitus. Seriously, there's nothing on the Discovery Channel that can hold a candle to us when it comes to fugly mating rituals. This is probably because there aren't too many other animals that try to meet their potential mates while shitfaced in bars.

It's not so bad if you can toddle the line between sober and happy. "Happy", being the first step toward "tanked", at the far end of the scale of inebriation. For extra points, you can be considered one step back from "tanked" down to "plowed" if you can actually SAY the word "inebriated" while you're being hoisted by your underpants into the king cab of your friend's truck. If you don't stop drinking at "happy" you may experience severe visual distortions and lapses in good judgment. As a public service warning, this scale may help.

0 - Sober
Supermodel = Supermodel

1 - Happy
Girl behind bar = Supermodel

2 - Tipsy
Best friend's girlfriend = Supermodel

3 - Hammered
Best friend's mom = Jennifer Anniston (you'd do her, but she's waaaaay too fucking old to be a supermodel, even with your beer-goggles on)

4 - Shitfaced
Anything with breasts = FUCKKK ... WHO CARES ABOUT FUCKING A GODDAMN SUPERMODEL. A SUMPERPOODLE WOULDN'T FUCKIN' TALK TO ME, ANYWAY. SO, FUCK THAT BITCH.. FUCK THAT BITCH OVER THERE TOO GIVIN' ME LOOKS AND SHIT. I LIKE.. (hic) I LIKE FUCKIN' REEEAL WOMEN.. LIKE, FUCKIN A, MAN..YEAH FUCK EVERYBODY.

5 - Plowed
You = Person who is not quite sure if they put their dick back in when they left the urinal. Don't look down! That'd look weird. Maintain, goddamnit!

6 - Tanked
You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. Your friends don't really want you to stay with them, either. As a matter of fact, we really think its a better idea if you DO, in fact, go home. Go home. Seriously. Now. DRIVE SAFE!

As you can see, alcohol can definitely throw you off your game.. or into the arms of seventy-six year old Mamie, whose tan knee-highs you mistook for black thigh-highs and whose adult diaper fit so snug you thought she wasn't wearing anything at all under that leather skirt.

Oh God. That's not leather. .. and that's not a skirt.

By about 10pm, most of the bar is somewhere between "happy" and "tipsy", and people are having a great time talking to each other. If they're experienced bar hounds, this is the peak time that people begin selecting those individuals that they want to continue talking to all the way through "hammered". Depending upon environmental variables such as lighting, background noise, and crowd density, said individuals are often recalled to memory by a combination of their clothing and most obvious physical characteristics, such as:

Tall brunette, green shirt, no tits.
Short blonde, red shirt, big tits
Tall blonde, short shorts, check for dick later.

Experienced partiers know that it is important to make these selections before 11:30 or so, when people start doing shots. Once someone starts that shot-buying shit, then EVERYONE feels obligated to be a badass and buy some too. Everybody downs a shot (or ten), starts running out of cash, and that practically guarantees that whatever drinks that people buy AFTER shots will be strong as fuck, you know, to make 'em last.

If you haven't already picked someone to try and sidle up to between shots and closing, you might as well pack it in and go home a bit before everyone else does. He who hesitates is lost.....  to Mamie.

Statement of Purpose

Hello.

This blog is intended to be interesting to both men and women, due to its emphasis on male/female communication.

If I go on writing in this blog with the same dryness contained in that description, it will no doubt be interesting to NO ONE.

So.. let's just get this out of the way.

This blog will probably be updated in a somewhat random fashion, but I'm REALLY going to try and do it with some sort of regularity. I've attempted to maintain several blogs over the years, but like houseplants, I just can't seem to keep them alive. This time, I think I've got a topic that's entertaining enough to ME that it can keep my interest. We'll see.

Right now, it's September of 2011, and come September of 2014 you might run across this blog with a total of 15 posts that end abruptly in October of 2011. If that's YOU and you're reading this in 09/2014 and I've killed another potentially fun blog through pure neglect.. well, to hell with you and your judgments! I at least left a trace of myself to float out in the e-cosmos, probably with as many bad puns and puerile humor as I could possibly shove into the pitiful number of posts this blog contains. For like, ten minutes worth of reading, I WAS SOMEBODY... that you probably didn't want to hang out with... BUT I WAS STILL SOMEBODY, DAMMIT!

Tirade break.

In case anyone is wondering, I'm female, over 30, and an avid bullshit-enthusiast. Some have called me an "artist", but as far as bullshit is concerned, I really consider myself more of a hobbyist. Perhaps a connoisseur of fine bullshit artistry. Believe it or not, this rambling preamble is actually leading to the point of this blog. Points, really.

Point One :

Men and Women are different. Their BRAINS are wired differently. They have equal needs, usually the same needs, but they communicate, learn, and prioritize differently from one another.

Point Two :

This causes a lot of problems. A lot. A lot of problems that could potentially be avoided by keeping Point One in mind before anyone says ANYTHING to ANYBODY.

What I plan (hah.. "plan") to do with this blog is to effectively illustrate these two points, as often and obnoxiously as I possibly can. I plan to assist you men out there by decoding the subtle, hidden messages that the women around you are lobbing at you at every possible opportunity. You know how your mom/sister/ex/current/female friend is constantly trying to tell you that so-and-so is a total bitch? Believe it or not, she probably is. However, its pretty dumb to make decisions based on one person's interpretation of this hidden, foreign language. I think it would be better to work on a sort of "travel phrase" guide here, just so you get some idea of what the HELL is going on between the women around you. Trust me, its enough to scare you NOT straight.

Ladies? I'm not forgetting you. Men are loading you down with the same type of conversational manure that they are mired in as a result of our communication differences. Between us girls... well, let's be honest, we're not getting ANYWHERE trying to translate it together. All of our girls nights out are loaded with questions.. questions about men. Usually we're in a small group of women without enough testosterone between us to support ONE testicle, let alone the fact that we're all squawking the same damn questions at each other. It doesn't help that our groups diminish and repopulate based on a bunch of illogical assumptions about what some other girl "meant by that". It could be something as simple as a facial expression. An item of clothing that someone deems inappropriate. Talking to the wrong man or talking to him at the wrong time. It could be anything. We will recognize it as some great personal (or worse) group insult. We will ostracize that girl within an inch of her life, and bring her back only when she has been sufficiently punished for that thing that ACTUALLY meant this other thing that was SO GODDAMN OFFENSIVE that we were momentarily motivated to burn her for the bitch witch she was ...

.. FOR WEARING THAT BLOUSE WHEN SARA WAS TRYING TO TALK TO THAT GUY THAT SHE DOESN'T KNOW. OMG.

Yes, men. It is that bad. Shame on us. Shame on you guys for running about willy-nilly in a gender-integrated world and not realizing the intensity of the female-to-female interactions that go on around you at all times.

Shame on all of us for not being honest. Shame on us for playing this retarded game that makes no one happy.

Maybe, if I can stay interested long enough, I can dig a couple gold nuggets out of the giant shit-pile of confusion that we all work so hard to build, dividing us a species into two, confused, bitter groups of people who aren't getting laid and don't like each other most of the time. I can give it a try.