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Showing posts with label hysterical. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hysterical. Show all posts

Friday, September 27, 2013

Craigslist of Ridiculous Demands: Men Seeking Women for Godawful Reasons

If ever you are single and feeling down about it, all you need to do is pop over to Craigslist and take a good long look at who's looking for YOU..

Fo' real, bitches. Ten minutes into just scanning over a few posts in "Men Seeking Women" and I was seriously trying to figure out the logistics of getting my vagina stitched shut.

Let's look at some real winners from the Dallas area...

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From the ad:

"First of all I'm in the Phoenix area, so if you are what I'm looking for, you'll also have to be willing to move here. It's a nice place actually and great weather. I'm SWM, mid 40s, professional, handsome, successful, 5'11" 185lb, non smoker, light drinker. I own a very nice home (though it could use a woman's touch) and have all kinds of fun toys. My interests include Harleys, Corvettes, Dirt Bikes, Motor Sports, Photography, Guns, Shooting, Home improvement and do it yourself projects. I'm upbeat and like to enjoy my free time as much as possible."

Translation: I GOTS MONIES. YEAH. THAT'LL GET EM.

To elaborate on that point, the man kindly leaves us another picture:

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"You'll need to like weekend trips to Vegas or the California coast. I'm Looking for a girlfriend and possibly future wife 18-35 with a figure, no kids and also a lady who might enjoy (or would like to) model for hot high heel, mini skirt theme photos and video. Photography is a huge interest of mine and I'd like to find a partner who enjoys modeling and is very photogenic. Do you like to play dress up and pose for photos or perform for the video camera? Is this something you've fantasized about? Would like to find a husband who encourages your exhibionist tendencies? You are my type if you do. I'll spoil MY girl rotten, hair styling, manicures, pedicures, heels, hot outfits, etc. Yes, everything it takes to make YOU my hot little Model and beautiful girlfriend or wife. Send a pic with reply. You may be just the girl I've been looking for : ) "

Translation: I AM TOTALLY WILLING TO PAY FOR ALL THE SHIT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK AS PLASTIC AS POSSIBLE. THAT IS PRETTY MUCH ALL I AM LOOKING FOR SINCE I HAVEN'T SUGGESTED A SINGLE PERSONALITY TRAIT THAT I AM ALSO LOOKING TO FIND.

"Want huge implants as in DDD to G??? Major bonus points if you do because that's the look I want my woman to have. Yes, you need to want to be a huge boobs hottie!"

There better be a health plan involved, because some bitch is going to undergo early spinal failure trying to hold them things up. Oh, gentleman.. do you also plan on providing steel-reinforced breast scaffolds? Cause anyone with a waist as tiny as you seem to require is going to need some additional support keeping those boobs upright.

OH! and here's another..this guy's looking for a "country gal" who's all about breaking every cardinal rule of meeting someone over the internet..

"Ok so this the deal I am white male 34 years old and I am going on vacation the week of thanksgiving to my parents cabin. Were going to cookout hunt drink beer drink wiskey what ever the night unfolds. So im looking for a country girl that would enjoy this sort of thing this event can be platonic or romantic all depends on are vibe I guess. There are seperate beds and all that so dont have to worry about sleeping together if thats something your worried about. Really just want the company and too have a good time. So taking applicants lol send me email some info on yourself and some pics. Yee Yee!!!!! (Ps some of the pics are from when we have been working on it as we speak so its work in progress lol)..."

Oh, sure.. why not? I'll just pack up mah country bumpkin ass, get in your truck (which I assume you have), and just hit the road on a major family holiday out to your cabin! Yee...

wha?

Oh yeah, there's this picture that opens up the ad..

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Three hours outside of town in a half-built cabin with someone I've never met? Yeah, I think I'll pass, buddy... that's a damn Lifetime thriller waiting to happen.

So having been completely creeped out by what Dallas had to offer today, I checked out Knoxville, TN

Then I found this:


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Really, the creepiness of this speaks for itself. Even the babies look freaked out..

"Hi, are there any women on here who are at their point in life where they have not found the right person to have a family with, but time is running out for whatever reason and would like to make one now. Not in the next couple of years but rather sooner than later? I am an Asian man in the same boat and looking for someone to make a family or child together. I am not here to play games or beat around the bush. I dont care what race you are or maybe you have a kid already but must be open to having more. Please put "BABY" in the title so I know you are real and not a bot or spam. But more importantly tell me about you and send me some photos of you also, would like to see who I am talking to."

Love how seeing a photo of his breeding stock is a mere footnote to the whole post about impregnating her.. *shudder*

LOVE this one... real dream of a guy...

"Hello and no im not looking just for sex !

If you do drugs please do Not waste my time.

Why do u email me thin never email me back after I reply,,U women are so unpredictable .you all must like playing games!!"

Us women, we're such unpredictable, game-playing sillies! I bet I can predict how many dates you get when you heap the responsibility of all of your bad dating experiences on US! Could it possibly be that your poor grasp of the English language, paired with your excessive, aggressive, desperation-infused use of exclamation points is scaring the ladies away? Oh wait.. he goes on..

"Why is it so hard to find someone these days I will never no,,I dont understand what women want these days.please no judgemental women,,be nice"

You girls will never "no". Le sigh...


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Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Thursday, October 27, 2011

According to Seattle Pastor, 100% Of Men Are Gay.

According to Mark Driscoll, a popular Seattle pastor and head of the Mars Hill Ministry, masturbation is an act of homosexuality.

You heard him, guys. You're all totally fucking gay. Every last pud-pulling one of you.

Appletinis and Cosmos for all!!! It's rainin' men! Hallelujah!

Driscoll has apparently decided to kick his anti-porn campaign into high gear with his free new e-book, "Porn-Again Christian: A Frank Discussion on Pornography & Masturbation". While I have to hand it to the guy for being able to come up with a catchy title, he's clearly trying to take advantage of heterosexual men and their "OMFG I'M NOT GAY" knee-jerk reaction in an effort to scare people into supporting his own biblical interpretations. Within this e-book, Driscoll writes:

"...Masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexuality activity, particularly if he's watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body."

According to Driscoll, the only way to whack it straight is in the physical company of your own wife, or by looking at her pictures. He really doesn't touch (ha!) on the idea of women masturbating, so I guess he thinks it doesn't really happen enough to condemn it.

Yeah. This is clearly a worldly and educated man. He'll write a book about the spiritual pitfalls of internet porn, but he's somehow managed to miss all the vibrator ads that come side by side WITH the porn.

Driscoll's known as being hardcore in his old school interpretation of scripture, actively fighting against feminism, premarital sex, and modern-style interpretations of the Bible such as his assertion that in his church Jesus will NOT be viewed as ""a Richard Simmons, hippie, queer Christ... a neutered and limp-wristed popular Sky Fairy of pop culture that . . . would never talk about sin or send anyone to hell."

..but seriously, how effective are your auto-eroticisms going to get with a limp wrist?

Monday, October 3, 2011

3 "Healthy Eating" Trends That Are Usually Anything But

I'm not skinny. I'm not morbidly obese, either. I think I'm a fairly average weight for an American woman in her 30's, but no one's ever really happy with their weight. Sometimes I think I'd like to be able to fit into a ridiculously tiny dress that wouldn't really look good on most people, just as much as the next 30+ year old woman would, but I'm not so obsessed with being thin that I'm going to do some drastic shit that's going to endanger my health. If you have a problem with the size of my ass, then that's entirely YOUR problem. Personally, I have a few things I prioritize a bit higher than what you or anyone else might think of my "bountifulness".

That's me, though. I know that it bothers a lot of people to gain a size or two. Although I can understand the desire to lose weight, I really think that desire becomes more of a psychosis when it leads someone to not only curb their intake of food, but to convince themselves that a dramatic lifestyle change is "healthy". What's more, people in this state of mind will not only go to ridiculous lengths to adhere to this supposedly healthy diet, they'll also become so devoted to it that they believe its their only hope to live a healthy life.

These diet fads are cultism at it's mind-fucking finest. The ideas and philosophies are pitched at people who are at a loss, who feel socially-excluded and vulnerable due to their perceived flaws. The core principles at the heart of these diets have a ring of truth to them, and they make the people who follow them feel a twinge of superiority because they think they've learned some special secret to a better life. They take pride in making whatever sacrifice they're making because it (in their minds) puts them a cut above everyone else. If that's not a recipe for a cult, I don't know what is.

The lifestyle changes adopted to adhere to the diet exclude you FURTHER from the rest of society by way of eliminating the social element to eating. People LIKE to eat together. One of the basic ways that we stay connected or even get to know one another is usually through sharing a meal and conversation together. When you decide to follow a very counter-culture diet that drastically limits what you can and can't eat, it narrows what restaurants you can eat at and whose house you can eat at. If you're vegan, you'll end up reaching out to find other vegans to fill the void you're experiencing from a lack of communal meal options, and to validate your reasons for excluding these opportunities from your life.

3: Low-Fat Diet

This is actually a fairly harmless, albeit fairly ineffective diet. In the short term, reducing fat intake keeps your overall cholesterol levels in check, and makes it easier to maintain your weight. It's not GOOD for your heart to eat nothing but high-fat foods, but its not going to kill you to get a little crazy with the cheez-whiz every now and then. The problem being, as much as the idea of cancer and heart disease prevention is linked in the collective mind of most people and medical professionals, a massive eight year study was done on the effectiveness of a low-fat diet against those diseases and came up with.. well, nothing. The group that ate anything it damn well pleased ended up having the same rate of heart disease and cancer occurrence as the group on a strict low fat, high fiber diet. When I say low-fat, I mean these people were not allowed to have cream cheese on bagels, butter on toast, or even oil in salad dressings. At the end of the study, the occurrences of diabetes, cancer, heart disease, and obesity were so similar between both groups, that differences in results between the two were deemed "statistically insignificant".

I'm not suggesting that anyone go chow down on a tub of bacon-flavored lard in celebration of this study, but it probably wouldn't hurt anything to go ahead and have that ice cream after dinner. Apparently, cancer doesn't give a shit about your "rocky road" dependency.

Dietary Cult Risk Rating : 1/10 - Sticking to a low-fat diet doesn't come with a lot of pomp and self-righteousness. It just makes you turn down most offered food in favor of sitting alone every morning, eating dry toast and black decaf. Sounds like ... prison?


2: Low-Carb Diet

Low-carb diets, like the Atkins Diet, help people lose weight by initiating ketosis in the body. Ketosis occurs when the body is at a deficit for carbohydrates (energy), and has to resort to burning up what resources are stored in the body's fat supply to provide itself enough energy to maintain function. That MIGHT sound good, because in a way you're kick-starting a natural mechanism in the body that will UTILIZE all that fat that your body has packed away over the years. Besides, low-carb diets encourage snacking on things like peanuts, pork rinds, and beef jerky. A freakin' bacon-wrapped, cheese-smothered, smoked  New York strip steak is actually low-carb diet friendly. WHAT THE FUCK? YES!!! YES!!! THERE IS A GOD AND HIS NAME BE ATKINS!! How can that be bad?

Well, for one thing, don't try this if you're diabetic. It could send you into diabetic ketoacidosis, which could lead to coma or death.

Ketosis is a process that's NOT easy on the body. It's a process that costs the body a great expenditure of energy in an effort to get additional energy out of stored fat, but also protein. In case you aren't aware, muscles and other organs are largely comprised of the same proteins ketosis will break down. By denying yourself carbs and starchy, carb-filled foods, you're forcing your body to rip itself up to support itself. That's like fixing holes in your roof by patching it with the siding on your house, and then when that siding won't cover the hole without extra support, you knock some of the bricks out of the side of your house to put on top of it. FUCKING BRILLIANT!

From Buzzle.com

Some of the symptoms of ketosis are:

The presence of a sickly sweet smelling, fruity breath. This peculiar smell is due to the presence of acetone bodies. This bad breath may be offensive to some people, but is a classic sign of ketosis

Tiredness and fatigue is often seen in the initial stages of ketosis

Headache

Excessive thirst

Weakness and dizziness

Nausea and stomach aches, accompanied by abdominal pain

Problems with sleeping

Regarding low-carb diets, in general, The American Heart Association states: "Individuals who follow these diets are therefore at risk for compromised vitamin and mineral intake, as well as potential cardiac, renal [kidney], bone, and liver abnormalities overall." Low carb diets like the Atkins diet may also hasten the onset of type II diabetes.

Dietary Cult-Risk Rating:  6/10 - Many people will believe your diet is a bad idea, what with the whole "low-fat diet" belief still making the rounds. However, while you're busy thinking you're a badass as you shed that first large amount of water weight, not only will you be doing damage to your OWN body, you'll probably be trying to convert all of your friends to this awesome meat-gnawing, potato-eschewing diet. You're likely to draw a lot of unwitting saps into the fold. Despite the TONS of websites warning people away from low-carb diets, most people don't bother to learn about their own basic body functions, let alone worry about them failing as a result of trying to lose weight.

1 - Vegetarian/Vegan Diet

Oh, hippies, how weary I am of you, in all your many incarnations..

I can understand the desire to abstain from eating things that have faces. I really can. However, there's a really big difference between maintaining a meatless diet for personal reasons, and deluding yourself into thinking that your personal reasons equal out to meat-eating being unhealthy for human beings. We are OMNIVORES. Get the fuck over it. On the bright side for vegetarians, being an omnivore means you can actually survive without meat, though I personally don't see it as much more than survival if there's no bacon involved.

Vegetarianism isn't so bad, despite a notable lack of cured pork products. A lot of vegetarians eat dairy, cheese, or maybe eggs, but draw the line at actual meat. These are the kind you see that clearly aren't eating any healthier than anyone else at the restaurant, but make a big fucking deal about ordering the vegetarian plate. I may, in fact, be a tad bitter from some of my experiences with vegetarians. I'm sure there are plenty of vegetarians who aren't, by nature, a giant pain in the ass to all of their omnivorous friends and family. I have surely just had a (long) run of bad luck with vegetarians who:

- Like to make a point about your eating meat and how much it grosses them out

- Constantly go into personal crises about what sellouts they are for eating dairy products

- Embarrass everyone who will still go to a restaurant with them by talking about how much better they could have made this "at home" with soy and tree nut products INSTEAD of dirty cow products.

- Make comparisons about what you're eating to demonstrate why they wouldn't eat it
  - "To me, it's no different than taking a piece of dog shit and handing it to me on a plate. That's how
      dirty and nasty that burger you're eating right now looks to me" - actual quote

- Come over to your house and talk about how much it stinks because you've "cooked dead things"

- Maintain this diet for "health reasons" yet remain the sickliest, fattest OR most underweight, most unhealthy people you know.

- Refuse to accept "western medicine", relying instead on "traditional eastern healing" methods that involve ingredients they can't pronounce, don't really research so that they can use them properly, and that come from countries that wouldn't use that outdated shit anymore if you PAID them, because they, instead, rely on "western medicine".

-Always need someone to talk them out of the bathroom, drive them to the doctor, or otherwise handle business for them when their malnutritious lifestyle ends up biting them in the ass.

..and that's just vegetarians.. you know, the ones that actually eat non-meat animal products. Vegans are like vegetarians, but about ten times worse with an extra helping of self-righteousness and delusion.

On a vegan diet, no animal products or by products are allowed. This means no cheese, no dairy, no eggs, no standard gelatin (which is made from beef), or anything else that comes from animals or fish. This is a great idea in theory if you love animals, and I do... but not enough to refrain from eating some of them. There are several nutrients that the human body needs that are not easily found in a standard vegan diet, and I venture to say are usually obtained in insufficient amounts by way of vegan cuisine. Here's a few of them, from The Independent, a British news publication :

Nutrients that everyone needs

B12

Because this vitamin is mainly found in meat, dairy products and eggs, vegans must get it from other sources such as supplements, fortified breakfast cereals and Marmite. Deficiency can lead to irreversible nervous system damage.

Vitamin D

Our skins make vitamin D when exposed to the sun's ultraviolet rays. But with desk-bound jobs, long winters and unpredictable weather, it is not always possible to get enough. Vitamin D is crucial for bone growth in children, and deficiency can result in rickets. Oily fish is one of the best dietary sources, but vegans can obtain it from fortified breakfast cereals and margarine. People living in Scotland may need to take greater care over vitamin D, as may people from cultures that require them to cover up.

Calcium

Found in dairy products, this is essential for strong bones. It is often lacking in a vegan diet unless taken as supplement.

Iron

Without sufficient iron, vegans and vegetarians can become anaemic. Deficiency can also delay growth in toddlers. Iron is commonly found in meat, but vegetarians can source iron from pulses and leafy green vegetables.

Calories

Although childhood obesity is an issue today, not enough calories can mean children don't grow properly. This can be a problem in high-fibre diets.

Protein

High-biological-value protein is found in meat, fish, eggs and dairy products. Low-biological-value protein is found in nuts, pulses and wholegrains. Separately, the latter don't contain all the essential amino acids, but do when combined correctly. Knowledge of which foods to mix together is therefore crucial.

I'll venture to say it because it's TRUE. In an average person's day, with a schedule that probably includes a job, or school, or kids, or all three.. how much time does said average person have to make sure you balance out each and every meal to ensure that you have at least sufficient amounts of necessary nutrients present in your food? Most people DO NOT have the time or even the inclination to do that (even if, ideally, they should), which is why most processed food is supplemented, or "enriched", with nutrients.

Most vegetarians and vegans won't eat anything processed or with "additives" if they can help it, so they don't even get that minute amount of supplements found in basic every day foods. Sure, the argument is that vegans take nutritional supplements to make up for whatever they're not getting in their diet, which is a great idea in theory, but not all supplements are created equal and they don't necessarily absorb properly in pill or powder form.What's worse is that vegans and vegetarians do, in fact, bring their kids along for the ride.

This story, also from The Independent, details a vegan mother realizing the damage her eating habits had done to her children.

"One morning over breakfast, Holly Paige looked at her daughter and realised things weren't right. Lizzie should have been flourishing. Instead, her cheeks were pinched, she was small for her age, and although she had skinny arms and legs, her belly was big and swollen. When Lizzie smiled, Paige suddenly noticed her upper front teeth were pitted with holes.
"I was absolutely horrified," recalls Paige."

In 2007, a vegan couple from Atlanta were given life sentences over the death of their six week old infant son, whose diet to that point had consisted of apple juice and soy milk. Of course, these people being vegans, full of themselves, and so certain that they knew better than EVERYONE ELSE, delivered the child at home without all that bothersome western medicine getting in the way. Why they didn't so much as bother to breastfeed the baby or even feed it formula is beyond me. At six weeks old, he died weighing 3 1/2 pounds. The parents claimed that they didn't think anything was wrong with him until a few minutes before he died.

Even in the cases of breastfeeding vegetarian mothers, those babies are known to experience massive developmental delays as reported by the Centers for Disease Control. Another case in 2003 involved a vegan couple from Queens, NY, whose 15 month old weighed ten pounds and had no teeth due to malnutrition. This baby was not breastfed or given formula, was delivered at home, was NOT given immunizations, and was also suffering from rickets and an inability to sit up or talk.

From azcentral.com

On April 23, 2005, Blair Parker called 911 because his 3-year-old daughter seemed to be having a seizure.

Doctors in the emergency room found that the girl was emaciated - she weighed just 13 pounds - and they asked to examine Parker's other two children.
His 11-year-old daughter was the size of a 5-year-old, and his 9-year-old son was the size of a 3-year-old. All of the children had been fed a diet that Parker and his wife misguidedly believed was a proper vegan diet, meaning that they eschewed all meat and fish and even dairy products

Read more: http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2008/07/04/20080704parker0704.html#ixzz1ZhOICqiI

From TimesOnline UK:

A 12-YEAR-OLD girl in Scotland brought up by her parents on a strict vegan diet has been admitted to hospital with a degenerative bone condition said to have left her with the spine of an 80-year-old woman.

Doctors are under pressure to report the couple to police and social workers amid concerns that her health and welfare may have been neglected in pursuit of their dietary beliefs.

The girl, who has been fed on a strict meat and dairy-free diet from birth, is said to have a severe form of rickets and to have suffered a number of fractured bones.
Read more:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/scotland/article4087734.ece

Dietary Cult-Risk Rating - 9/10 - I'd give it a full 10 for indoctrination at birth, but it seems that the kids aren't living long enough for that to count.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Extreme Reversionist Report 2011! Part Two: Michele Bachmann

Man, and I thought Palin was scary.

As a feminist, I can't honestly tell you that I wouldn't looooooove to see a woman elected into the White House. Seriously, I think I can feel the tingle of an estrogen surge just thinking about it. Just a tingle, mind you.

That does not mean I want just anyone who happens to carry around a uterus sitting her ass down and propping her pumps atop the desk in the oval office. In fact, at this very moment, a truly nightmarish beast seeks the Presidency, and she must be stopped.

Michele Bachmann cannot be allowed to take office.

If you are white, heterosexual, and male, and you possess even a shred of empathy for anyone who isn't all three of those things, you won't vote for this She-Beast and her White-Hot-Flaming husband.  This pair of nutcases want to throw us all back into the dark ages just as hard as she can throw us (personally, I think the husband is more of an underhand pitcher, unless he's totally the "catcher" I suspect he is).

If you've got plenty of money and you live rather comfortably, it might be easy to get on board with someone whose ideas and policies seem to affect you personally by way of just lessening your taxes by a smidge. Remember, though.. any tragedy could befall you at any time that would drastically change your life circumstances. When it does, TEA party members and Republicans (and anyone else whose political affiliation is socially conservative) would be just as happy for you to either hurry up and stop being poor, or just die already because you'll be bad for morale.

From Wikipedia:

"Michele Marie Bachmann (née Amble; April 6, 1956) is a Republican member of the United States House of Representatives, representing Minnesota's 6th congressional district, a post she has held since 2007. The district includes several of the northern suburbs of the Twin Cities, such as Woodbury, and Blaine as well as Stillwater and St. Cloud.


She is currently a candidate for the Republican nomination in the 2012 U.S. presidential election. She previously served in the Minnesota State Senate and is the first Republican woman to represent the state in Congress. Bachmann is a supporter of the Tea Party movement and a founder of the House Tea Party Caucus."

Let's start with this random assortment of crazy shit said by Michele Bachmann. It's as good a place to start as any.



1: Bachmann attempts to scare us from opening the door to the Census taker, because Census information was once used to "round the Japanese into internment camps". This was taken from an interview with Fox News wherein she made public her refusal to participate in the US Census (which is against the law). She was justifying her refusal by suggesting that the current forces in government are SO OUT TO FREAKING GET HER, that she refuses to disclose her information to them. She was expanding upon a previous mention she'd made about the then recently-passed national service bill that had basically increased the scope of Americorps. While even she had to admit that the current legislation made Americorps a voluntary service, eventually it would lead to legislation that would force young people into mandatory re-education camps. This is one of her many examples of convoluted scare tactics that end up being double-talk, seeing as how her own son joined "Teach For America", a member program of Americorps, AFTER the passing of the aforementioned national service bill.

2. "We're running out of rich people in this country" - Michele Bachmann.

3. Bachmann makes the point that the swine flu breaks out during the times when the President of the United States happens to be a democrat. It would be a catty, bitchy, cheap-shot comment to make anyway, but then of course her understanding of U.S. history is so poor that she got her ass handed to her by actual data and facts. The 1970's swine flu outbreak occurred during a time where Nixon (a republican) was in office.

4. From DumpBachmann.com

"During an appearance at Boutwells Landing in Oak Park Heights in late September, Bachmann said: "When people give you money, what that says is, they believe in you. They're endorsing you. It doesn't mean I endorse them. I wouldn't say that about my opponent, and so I think it's unfair."

Yet barely a month later, Bachmann showed her true colors and put out an ad which falsely implied that Patty Wetterling wanted to negotiate with terrorists. The claim was based solely on a three-year old quote from a member of an organization that contributed to Wetterling's campaign.

Moderator Kerri Miller confronted Bachmann about her outlandish ad at an MPR debate on November 1st: "How do you get from point A, contributing to Patty Wetterling's campaign, to she wants to sit down with Osama bin Laden?"

Bachmann stumbled in her answer, replying: "The organization called Peace PAC is a radical organization that wants to defund the military. That's what Peace PAC believes. Peace PAC believes that."
to which Ms. Miller replied "I'm sorry Michele, but you're making that up.

5. "Carbon Dioxide is portrayed as harmful, but there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas. It is a HARMLESS gas" - Michele Bachmann.

Okay, maybe not one, but how about these three?

Carbon Dioxide Toxicity in Emergency Medicine
Toxicity of Carbon Dioxide - A Review
Evaluation of the Acute Toxicity of CO2

6. Bachmann calls for McCarthy-esque investigation into "Anti-American" activities of liberals.  Remember, kids.. "If your mommy is a commie, better turn her in!"

7. Bachmann refers to the U.S. government as a "gangster government" under President Obama, making mention of the term "czars", which in fact started during the administration of former President George W. Bush.

8. "Not all cultures are equal. Not all values are equal" - Michele Bachmann

9. "I would have voted in favor of the life of Terri Schaivo, she was a woman who was healthy and had brain damage.... from a health point of view, she was not terminally ill" - Michelle Bachmann. Yes, people are indeed laughing at her in the background.

There's some bullshit with poor sound quality about how gay marriage is going to be imposed on Minnesota, etc.. we'll get to that later. To put it succinctly?

Goddamn.. bitch is CRAZY.

I don't know if she's just totally fucking too stupid to know what she's saying, or if she's got someone in her ear telling her what to say and her parroting-skills don't lend themselves well to the improvisational nature of public speaking. I don't know how in the hell she's got as many people in support of her as she does, what with the unfailing knack she has for contradicting herself. She's got a file as long as my arm on PolitiFact.com, which is a non-partisan website that determines fact from fiction when it comes to the talking points and statements of U.S. politicians. Bachmann has actually dipped from the "liar" end of the scale, down to the "pants on fire" end.

Let's go on, shall we? Here's where things get scary as fuck. Currently, Bachmann's digging herself a major hole and is holding onto her (incorrect) position with the tenacity of a pitbull on a t-bone steak.

 During a GOP debate, Bachmann decided to enter a pissing match with opponent Rick Perry over his signing an order for middle school girls to get HPV vaccinations in his home state of Texas. The argument is really based in the fact that the vaccine is meant to guard against Human Papilloma Virus, which is a sexually-transmitted disease that is known to cause cervical cancer. Bachmann decided it would look UBER-CONSERVATIVE of her to take a pot-shot at Perry and call him a bad conservative because, clearly, mandating an order that would protect girls against an STD means that you're installing a neon-sign that reads "OPEN FOR BUSINESS" over their naughty parts. Where she really screwed herself was in her tendency to embellish facts for dramatic effect, and claim that she'd personally met a woman whose daughter had become mentally retarded because of an HPV vaccination. This is a claim that she can't substantiate, nor can she produce the "woman" who told her this tragic tale, oh.. and it's a BIG FUCKING LIE.

What's worse, is that she can't fucking let it go. She's going so far now as to label Perry's Texas vaccine mandate as "Perrycare", so she's got another keyword to harp upon when she goes running off at the mouth about it again.

HPV is often carried by men who aren't routinely tested for the virus, because its usually asymptomatic in males and there are no tests to properly determine HPV in men. Meanwhile, they get tested for other diseases and infections, come up "clear" and give the gift of cervical cancer to women who ALSO won't know about it unless their doctor is one of the few who make such tests a mandatory part of a full gynecological visit. Most of the time, the woman never knows she has it until something goes horribly awry with her pap-smear, in which case she gets brought back for a painful colposcopy. If you're at colposcopy level and pre-cancerous cells are found, you're considered "lucky", because at least you've got a doctor paying attention for cancer to develop in your cervix before it metastasizes like a motherfucker. Did I mention that cancer-causing HPV never goes away, it can be transmitted despite use of condoms, and that it's one of the most prevalent undetected viruses among human beings worldwide?

But despite all of these facts, Bachmann wants to pretend she's protecting innocent virgin girls so that they can save themselves for marriage, like that's going to fucking happen. With the extreme social conservative 100% pro-life stance, the conservative idea that making birth control available turns otherwise "good" girls into bad, and the idea that vaccinations to protect your girly parts will ALSO make you a slut, Bachmann is basically telling girls that sexuality leads to nothing but social ostracism, shame, and potentially, death.

Alex Pareene of Salon.com put it beautifully:

"Conservatives oppose giving girls the HPV vaccine because they want premarital sex to have (potentially deadly) consequences, not because they think vaccines are inherently dangerous."

Sounds about right.

Toward the end of limiting reproductive choice AND health, Michele Bachmann has also been caught in a major lie she told about a Planned Parenthood clinic in Illinois, which she accused of trying to be "Big Abortion. The LensCrafters of Big Abortion". The embedding link for this video on YouTube.com has been "removed by request, and although it wouldn't be any trick to embed it here anyway, I'll just embed a video of a CNN report talking about how LensCrafters was, understandably, pissed off.



As you can see in the video, Bachmann misquoted a Planned Parenthood CEO who ACTUALLY said he wanted Planned Parenthood to "Be the LensCrafters of Family Planning", the term "family planning" encompassing a hell of a lot more than abortion, Bachmann and her flair for embellishment struck yet again, and she had to substitute the term "Big Abortion". LensCrafters was not amused at all by ANY variation on the theme, so long as their brand kept getting put in the middle of it.

But of course, Bachmann isn't done with abortion on that note.. she continues on with the following little gem..



So, that's a long, convoluted "NO" on whether she supports a woman's right to abort under ANY circumstances whatsoever. Note that in the video, she keeps saying that life is a "God-given right from conception to natural death". In case you didn't get it, she says that very statement twice. She also adds that only GOD can give or take life, not government.

Just don't get sick. Or old, for that matter. Then she doesn't want to talk to you. She wants to wean everyone off social security and medicare.

From TalkingPointsMemo.com

"So, what you have to do, is keep faith with the people that are already in the system, that don't have any other options, we have to keep faith with them. But basically what we have to do is wean everybody else off," said Bachmann. "And wean everybody off because we have to take those unfunded net liabilities off our bank sheet, we can't do it. So we just have to be straight with people. So basically, whoever our nominee is, is going to have to have a Glenn Beck chalkboard and explain to everybody this is the way it is."
 
Michele Bachmann is married to Dr. Marcus Bachmann, and together they own and operate Bachmann & Associates, a "Christian Counseling" clinic. Marcus Bachmann is perhaps best known for this bit of insanity, doles out on air during a religious radio talk show..



To clarify, the exact quote is as follows:

“We have to understand: Barbarians need to be educated,” Bachmann says in the clip. “They need to be disciplined. Just because someone feels it or thinks it doesn’t mean that we are supposed to go down that road. That’s what is called the sinful nature. We have a responsibility as parents and as authority figures not to encourage such thoughts and feelings from moving into the action steps. ...

“And let’s face it: what is our culture, what is our public education system doing today? They are giving full, wide-open doors to children, not only giving encouragement to think it but to encourage action steps. That’s why when we understand what truly is the percentage of homosexuals in this country, it is small. But by these open doors, I can see and we are experiencing, that it is starting to increase.” -
Dr. Marcus Bachmann
Call me politically incorrect, I don't care. Gay men around the world, YOU KNOW I ADORE YOU.. that said, did you catch the lisp? Here's a better question.. is it possible to miss the lisp? Can you not picture this guy in an ascot, hand on one hip, other hand wagging a finger of judgement atop a wilted wrist in the stereotypical "no no NO, girl!" manner, telling uth people that we jutht don't underthtand theth barbarian gayth!?

If you'd like to use Google to gather an amount of public opinion, all you have to do is enter "bachmann" and "gay" to find multiple web articles, all of which have the same headline..

"Everyone thinks Marcus Bachmann is gay"

To use one variation on a popular theme, Bachmann's so far in the closet he's hiding next year's Christmas presents in the far end of Narnia. Watch (and OMG listen) to this video clip taken of Marcus Bachmann meeting up with his wife in the "green room" at one of her television appearances. The title of this video is "Michele Bachmann's very NOT GAY flaming husband".



I really think the evidence speaks for itself, don't you? Oh you DON'T think so? Well you're just a SILLY, aren't you dear??

I normally don't add parodies or links to satirical items in posts like these, but I can't help it. This is from Second City, and it's to die for, girl!!



On a more serious note, the Bachmann's first denied that their clinic counsels people out of "the homosexual lifestyle", until a member of Truth Wins Out, a group that combats the dangerous practice of what is known as "reparative therapy" went undercover to the clinic to discuss his sexuality with a counselor. This is what he was told..

"Despite the fact that I never once mentioned having insecurities surrounding my own masculinity, Wiertzema took it upon himself to reassure me in our fifth session that “…because you have feelings of homosexuality, [it] doesn’t mean you don’t have masculinity. I’m just gonna go ahead and say that.” I was encouraged to further develop my own sense of masculinity and my personal definition of what it meant to be a man. When I mentioned that I can objectively acknowledge a woman’s beauty without having any sexual feelings toward her whatsoever, I was told that whenever I saw an attractive woman I just needed to reinforce in my mind that she was, indeed, attractive, and that God made her this way and made me to notice her. After all, “God designed our eyes to be attracted to the woman’s body, to be attracted to everything, to be attracted to her breasts.” Further, according to Wiertzema, “We’re all heterosexuals, but we have different challenges.” Attraction to the same sex “is there, and it’s real, but at the core value, in terms of how God created us, we’re all heterosexual.” The full article can be found here.

Did I mention that this clinic, clearly religious in nature, receives state and federal funding? Additionally, a great number of the counselors that practice at the Bachmanns' clinic have "degrees" from Argosy University, which has been sued by multiple students for lack of accreditation despite its promises that the school was in the process of obtaining it. Additionally, if you look up names like "Mike Griffith", and other names of counselors at these clinics on Google, you can find them running a posting campaign of massive proportions on the message board and forum areas of any television network or news website that has featured a story about one or both of the Bachmanns.

Maybe Michele Bachmann is a little bitter about the whole gay thing because of her husbands' nature. Maybe that's what leads her to have opinions like those she shared with Jay Leno.. Note how she tries to play dumb and cute, and Jay doesn't let her off the hook.



Ah.. they "don't discriminate". Cute.

Jay Leno makes another good point about why the TEA party gets itself in the middle of the private lives of Americans. I mentioned this in the last article I wrote about Rick Santorum, how it's fascinating to me that conservatives bandy about the term "Big Government" and how we need to get it out of our lives, yet the first thing they want to do is tell you who you can marry and how often you can have sex. Does it GET more personally invasive than that?

Oh, and she says that she likes Sarah Palin.

Ok, forget the parroting thing I mentioned. She's just a moron.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Proof positive. I do more than bust balls on this blog.



Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Don't get me wrong, I really LOVE cats. I've had cats. I worked like a dog (heh) trying to get cats adopted out of the humane society where I used to work. That's not exactly easy to do when a surprisingly insane percentage of Americans fear or resent cats for various reasons. I'm all about some damn cats. I'm probably the person who would go back into the burning building for some cats, okay? But sweet jumpin' Jesus..

I'm all about some psychiatric medications when they're needed, too.
BITCH NEEDS SOME MEDS. STAT.

How did this video even get past her own PC? Is it just me, or does this not qualify as an "instant-delete" sample take, here? Did e-Harmony actually let this one through?