American Gun Rights: Why are we fighting to keep guns in the hands of future criminals?

The idea that some person with guns is going to fight off the government isn't a sound one for arguing for gun rights. For one thing, the examples of Waco and Ruby Ridge should have pretty much summed up by now why that's a bad argument. If the government wants to take you out, they are taking you out. That in itself is a major problem that gun culture is not only NOT solving, its probably making worse by suggesting to people that having stores of weapons is somehow going to make them safe in a conflict, whereas we're probably just more likely to witness another standoff wherein children are put into danger and more often than not, killed.

In the same breath I hear "criminals don't follow laws so how is making guns illegal going to stop them", which lines "criminals" out like people that aren't any of "us" and that's ridiculous. Things that are perfectly legal in ONE state would make you a "criminal" in another. Criminality comes usually out of a place of desperation, lack of education and/or opportunity, existential threat, deprivation, etc. Most people are not born with a "criminal" mindset, and even the mentally ill are usually not specifically more dangerous to a society (some extremely rare exceptions do exist, but writing the mentally ill off as a whole is a careless and dangerous thing to do). A life circumstance beyond your immediate control could force you into engaging in "criminal" acts to save your life or protect your family. You know, like shooting a person (which is pretty much illegal).

For some, legal use of guns and legal gun ownership is considered more criminal than others. We have a law enforcement and judicial system that disproportionately impacts people of darker skin. Racism in relation to gun access and laws is a whole different Pandora's box of problems, as well. Philando Castile was not a criminal, informed an officer appropriately about having a gun that he was licensed to carry, and was shot to death as a passenger in a car in front of his girlfriend and her toddler. Had that jumpy ass officer aimed his gun so much as an inch to the right, he'd have SHOT that toddler in her car seat. More guns did not help that situation. Marissa Alexander was being abused and was in fear of her and her infant's life, so she fired a WARNING SHOT into the upper corner of a wall in her home to scare back her abusive husband and was GIVEN 20 YEARS in prison, while the next year in the same state George Zimmerman shot and killed Trayvon Martin, whom he had literally stalked during the course of an evening and was told by law enforcement to stop following and he was let off on the same "stand your ground" defense that failed Ms. Alexander (whose conviction was thrown out on appeal after a few years, thank God). More guns are not helping in these situations either.

So, we have some incompatible ideas going on here. If you engage in a standoff against police (enforcement arm of government), that's pretty illegal and would be considered criminal behavior. Hell, I would think that planning for such an event in advance by its own nature would be considered conspiracy in regard to future criminal acts. Yet, I find that a commonality found with the pro-gun crowd is a pro-police mentality, yet at the same time, the pro-gun crowd tends to bandy about the idea that you have to have guns to fight off the government which would first be ..the police. So, you don't want "criminals" to be the only ones getting guns cause what.. if.. you.. need.. to do something.. criminal, too? I don't get it.

Rather, I do get it, but it's hypocritical as fuck and a dangerous mindset to feel that you're entitled to kill people but no one else is. Yet at the same time, lets make sure people have more guns.

Seriously, fuck this. Keep a lever-action rifle at home in case shit gets hairy or you have a maniac banging down your door. Tell me why you need to not only have guns, but an armory full of guns that can kill people faster than fuck, like rapid-fire weapons?

Who are these "criminals" again?

yeah, they probably won't, huh?

The Feminine Context

The Political Bitchslap Everyone Needs - All Parties Included

You know who's at fault for the state of the country? We are.

What the hell are we allowing to pass for "acceptable" out of our representatives and WHY? Are you THAT sad and pathetic that you're going to be content in sighing, shrugging your shoulders, down-talking others who are suffering in a crippled economy JUST LIKE YOU ARE, and assuming there's nothing to do about it?

Stop believing this horseshit that business-like decorum and understatement to the point of silence is good for us, helpful, or a mark of success. People who are representing us in government BETTER be fucking angry and ready to call out bullshit as it comes up, or they are literally nothing but well-dressed mouthpieces for those who want to profit off OUR suffering and need. Those people will NEVER help the rest of us get what we need, because they make far too much money on keeping it from us and giving us empty statements to lead us along. They will throw you a crumb from the big fat cookie that a corporation paid them, and then tell you that its the people suffering NEXT to you who ate the cookie you didn't get. Too many of us are willing to be complicit little assholes and blame that person suffering beside us, while that suited mouthpiece mumbles some more bullshit through his or her cookie-filled mouth.

Own up to it, for fucks sake, or we're all fucking doomed. Own up to how much time you've spent asleep.

Spare me your liberal or conservative sense of moral superiority to others. Shut the fuck up with your constant excuse making that those who are less well-off than you are living like shit because they're not up to your personal ethical standards. Your "moral superiority" doesn't mean jack shit to poverty-stricken children, and if you truly believe it's fine to shrug that off, YOU are probably the strongest arm of the of the many forces that are pushing those children away from good lives. YOU are a willing accomplice to suffering and further deterioration of the American quality of life. YOU are the voter who doesn't want to fucking bother. YOUR apathy is affording the rape and pillage of our nation's culture and well-being and you should be ashamed of yourself.

If your state representatives are sidestepping the point in endless, useless niceties and word salad, vote the them fuck out. Vote them the fuck out at the local, regional, state, and national level. What we thought were good, balanced, savvy politicians have FUCKED us for personal gain and cushy careers in well-paid jobs they barely show up for, while reaping work-offered healthcare, retirement, and sick pay benefits we are also paying for and will never see anything remotely as good offered to us as citizens. What's worse, is that we all truly understand that political figures are, as a rule, full of shit. It's a standard at this point.

Why do we keep voting for them?

If you were too damn cozy in being an uppity ass Democrat to see that it wasn't going to save you, shame on you.

Democrats have been dicking off, totally high on a sense of their own intellectual superiority, to the point that they don't even investigate who's paying their party members and how that could fuck people over. Your supreme Democratic intellect is used against you just as easily as religion is used as a tool to incite conservatives, and you can't sit here and pretend you give a singular rat's ass about the suffering of others if you can't even listen to them speak because they don't meet your personal standards. Poor, uneducated people that aren't as "worldly" as you deserve a living wage and health care as much as your comfortably numb, blue-voting ass does. To think otherwise is to be a bigot. If you think this way, accept that you are a bigot and if you truly believe that bigotry is bad, sort your fucking life out, mate.

If you let your religious preference be pandered to and thought that was just great, shame on you, too.

Republicans have been far too content to put blame their neighbors and in allowing the vanity of having their "personal relationship" with Jesus stroked as hard as any Democratic ego, to the point that no one's acting in any sort of "Christian" manner. Religion, which should be sacred, personal, and a means of self-improvement as a human being, has been made into a freaking circus side-show via which you're sold shoddy garbage, snake oil, and a ringside seat to your own destruction. Guess what? Your Republican representatives don't give a fuck about you or Jesus. Your preoccupation with Jesus just makes you a great big fucking propaganda target and you're letting it happen because you're a chicken shit who wants to be pandered to. Jesus would want the sick healed and for children to eat, from all I've read about the guy. If your representatives aren't putting that first, how the hell are you going to keep allowing them to align themselves with your savior? How are you not OUTRAGED by such blasphemy? You, as well as uppity Democrats who don't care about starving kids from out of work miners in West Virginia (cause fuck those red state people), should be entirely ashamed of yourselves. For people who want to work in the image of their savior to promote family values, you're awfully goddamn okay with little children and new mothers living in abject poverty and suffering. Just because a guy says "I'm all about Jesus" while he pulls the rug out from under families, doesn't mean he's your friend. Wake the fuck UP.

Oh, and independents? Fuck you, too. You're not helping.

You're leaning either right or left in most cases, fanning the flames of anger, and not doing jack shit to help put out the fire. You're decrying the moral decay of politics as you contribute to it on the citizen level, perfectly content to naysay and complain while everyone (including you) is suffering. What party do you belong to? I FORGOT. YOU'RE AN INDEPENDENT SO FUCK EVERYONE AND THEIR PARTY. You're too GOOD for working within the shit-stained political system, even toward the ends of changing and cleaning it up. What mass are you gathering to effect change? OH THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE NOT. You're sharing memes about how fucked up everyone else's party is, while you sit cozily in your little bubble, morally superior to us all because you don't see any reason you should have to pick either, corrupt side. The most ambitious among you are still doing nothing but forming utterly doomed little parties with no might behind them, cause most of you have nothing but disdain for every other party (major or minor) that isn't YOUR specific little horseshit party.

Anyone still got a case of the red-ass from 2016? I know I do. We tried all of the above bullshit for this past election, and we're sitting here with a failed Democratic candidate who didn't give enough fucks about her supporters to so much as pretend to care about the issues that most strongly affect them, nor support them when her opponent won. As a result, we are left with a volatile, moody, uninformed jackass for a Republican president, who's as ready to throw everyone under the bus as he is to throw a temper tantrum. The Democrats are too busy feeling sorry for themselves to even acknowledge the obvious progressive route they need to adopt to succeed, and the Republicans are working around the clock to hasten our demise.

We're all fucked and EVERYONE has allowed the worsening quality of American life to happen, to some degree or another. I don't blame anyone for voting any way they voted in 2016, because we were fucked either way. If you're not pissed off at how the primaries played out on EITHER side of the aisle, you haven't learned jack shit and you should review and reflect so that this shit doesn't happen again. Give yourself two or three smacks to your own, smug, stupid, self-satisfied face while you're at it.

You smug fucking Democrats didn't see anything wrong with superdelegates being allowed to choose the winner of the primary in advance of running one, and you should be slapped soundly for thinking that was anything other than corruption, cronyism, and an OBSCENE waste of money to even run a primary in that case. For fucks' sake, just the waste of MONEY alone should make us all furious that the Democrats tilted their primary in one direction, let alone the utter disrespect for all ethics in pretending that the people who support their party had any say in the outcome.

Republicans - since when the fuck was it a "family value" to encourage and cheer on an egomanical bully and praise him for being one? How is the concept of blaming others for your own problems (immigrants, etc) a "pulling oneself up by ones' own bootstraps" mindset?

Independents? You guys suck, too. If you wanted Bernie or Hillary or who the fuck ever, you should have gotten off your uppity asses and made yourself part of the process.

Kudos to all of you who DID try, and tried your fucking hearts out. I know that's why you're so battle-worn and bitter now. I don't blame you. I am just as hurt and angry as you are. You're going to have to drop it, though. We need to keep swimming or we're all going to drown in the aftermath of the 2016 election. Take all that you learned about election laws and rules in your state, dust yourself the fuck off, and get your pissed off asses to work well in advance of 2020, while we have a chance to do something about it.

TRUTH BOMB: sitting around in echo chambers, indulging in "Anti-Trump" OR "Anti-Clinton" circle jerks with each other all day isn't making you guys a movement. It's making your "movement" into a sad pile of angry little bitches who are only going to be angrier when this shit happens again and again. You ARE entirely complicit in the repetition of the 2016 political disaster if all you can do is conduct constant purity tests among one another and repeat things you already know, over and over again.

BONUS TRUTH BOMB: Everyone's getting fucking sick of your bellyaching, including those among you. We all know its getting us nowhere. It's time to shut the fuck up and move.
The sad fact of the matter is that we shouldn't have been so short-sighted, lazy, and apathetic as to allow the kind of choices we were left with at the end. Maybe we're used to it - all the corruption and game-playing to make a few people some cozy lives at the expense of making ours more miserable. Maybe it crept up on us, incrementally. Whatever the case, if we don't pull our collective heads out of our collective asses and DO something radically different from this point, we're even more fucked in the future than we are now.

.. and we're pretty fucked right now, y'all.

Don't sit on your fat, lazy, closed-minded, uneducated voter ass AGAIN and let the damn parties tell you who you're voting for. Get your shit together. Slap yourself in the face and say "I will not be made a bitch of, AGAIN."

Learn when primary dates are. PICK the goddamn delegates, reps, assemblymen, mayors, governors, state house reps, whatever, this time instead of letting the same fat fucks keep the same damn jobs, unopposed, that they've been sitting comfortably in for years. They don't worry about THEIR kids making it through school, and they're damn sure not sending them to school with YOUR kids. They're not worried about dying from a treatable illness. They don't have to. You're paying with your taxes to place them in positions of power and privilege, and you're also paying for your own family to wither away while these representatives you're supporting live fabulous lives on your dime.

"But I don't like the Democratic party" "Fuck the Dems, they're too corrupt" "Fuck the two party system!" "WE NEED A THIRD PARTY! I'll INVENT ONE AND YOU SHOULD ALL JOIN IT"

Well guess what, kids? The two-party system has all of us by the short and curlies and there isn't a goddamn thing any of your whining, foot-stamping, or going home with your panties in a fucking wad is going to do about it unless you're willing to get your hands (and soul) a little dirty and start getting in the right place to be plucking the con-artists out of these parties. That means you're going to have to be able to belong to them in order to have a vote.

If you think you lean more left - well guess what that means, sweetheart? I think you know the answer to that. Same goes for if you lean right. I don't care what you join. I don't care if you go Green or independent, but if you do, please stop bellyaching to the rest of us about your moral superiority when your effort inevitably fails because of a lack of numbers, electoral access, and the zombie-like mass of party loyalist voters who will always vote for whoever Team Blue or Red picks for them.

We can't fix stupid. We can't fix lazy. We can't make people want to think or grow a spine and enforce change. They'll just suffer on and whine and cry and do the same goddamn thing they always do - vote in larger elections where all the movers and shakers have already been picked for them, and then actually feel like they fucking did something by merely showing the fuck up and voting. We can't fix everyone and snap them out of the political apathy that is prevalent in our depressed society. Making fun of them isn't fixing shit, either.

Sad as it is, there will always likely be more of the party loyalists than independent thinkers. It is the responsibility of the independent thinking, hard-working, cunning progressives to get our candidates lined up in whatever party we can, to ensure that the average mindless voter mass is of some actual use to progressive causes. We can't make them NOT vote blue or red. We CAN make sure that whoever falls under the blue or red banner isn't another fucking jackass in a suit, ready to make money on the average citizen's suffering.

If you genuinely want to effect change, stop being a fucking crybaby and get in there and demand it. Get your equally woke buddies to do the same. GO TO WAR with the two parties who have the power and run for offices held by corporatist salesman who DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THE PEOPLE THEY REPRESENT. If they don't give a fuck about us, we need to actively mount a hostile takeover and throw them the hell out of those seats.

Stop with this pointless repetition of cursing out the parties, or pretending that the two parties are evil incarnate by their very names. That's pathetically superstitious and ignorant. The parties are the structures that have the power. There is every reason for them to strangle out independents and third parties, and no reason whatsoever for them to give up a single inch of the power they possess. Teams Red AND Blue will maintain this stranglehold if we don't get very hostile, very direct, and take that power for ourselves.

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK BERNIE SANDERS DIDN'T WASTE HIS AND HIS FOLLOWERS PRECIOUS TIME BY GOING OUT TO FAIL MARVELOUSLY AS A HOPELESS INDEPENDENT?

He put himself in a position to KEEP swinging. He's not sitting on Facebook, sucking up the adoration of his many followers, bellowing endlessly about how he was cheated. He WAS cheated.

If anyone has a reason to bitch, it's Bernie Sanders.

Is Bernie being a little bitch?

Fuck no, he isn't. He's out there working himself sick trying to represent you.

If you're not supporting that effort, then YOU are being a little bitch. Not Bernie.

Stop being a little bitch. Start being a fucking warrior.

These two parties are not going to be overtaken by a bunch of protesting, angry goddamn hippies and weeping millenials (not that we all don't have a lot of shit to rightfully, angrily weep and protest over). They are two, ready-to-use power structures. NOTHING MORE. The people IN those power structures are abusing them for their own ends.

I think the solution to that is pretty obvious.

Get rid of those people.

Stop being a pussy and stand up to them. Put them out. Put new people in. Take that house over for the people. Don't sit here and wave your typing-fist at me and do nothing but complain. You're as much a part of the problem as the blind party loyalists you rail on endlessly about.

"But what of experience and time served in politics? Won't putting new people in with less experience hurt us?"

I don't know. What are "experienced" politicians doing for any of us right now?

I'll wait.

The Feminine Context

This Week In Ignorant Fucks - 10/18/2013

Aw, goddamnit.... where do I start?

There was so much fucking stupid floating about the news this week, my head hurts just trying to round it all up.

We've had the ultimate in toddler-style temper tantrums going on with the government shutdown, in which Republicans simply can't get over the fact that they didn't get their way, so they responded by taking their toys (and continued pay) and going HOME. Never mind the fact that they took lots of other people's toys and paychecks home with them while they act like fucking jerks.

Because of the efforts of (my heroes!) Anonymous, information has come out about the Maryville teen rape, terrifyingly similar to Steubenville in its cover-up and dehumanization of the victims. Thank you, Anonymous, perhaps the only justice for women now comes at the hands of "vigilantes". As an open cry to Anonymous, please tell me here if there's anything I can ever do to help. Thank you for caring about young lives that our tragically dysfunctional social climate would allow to be cast aside as easily as garbage.

Let me try to lay out some links to some of the better examples of idiocy for this past week.. in no particular order..

Fox News pulls out the sleaziest fucking criminal defense lawyer they can possibly find, and airs a textbook example of victim blaming with great enthusiasm.


Did I fail to mention that this guy's main areas of expertise are in defending mafioso AND "white collar criminals" who are charged with multi-million dollar fraud?

Clearly, Fox News was trying to put their best foot forward after the victim-blaming, slut-shaming, rape-culture inducing misogyny market was cornered earlier in the week by a WOMAN. Slate's Emily Yoffe, more commonly known as "Dear Prudence", heaped rape prevention back onto women with her one-and-a-half cents on the Maryville rape. Her choice of words was questionable, at best, starting with the pretty blatant title of "COLLEGE WOMEN:STOP GETTING DRUNK." Ms. Yoffe is actually defending her article, clearly convinced that we're all too stupid to understand that alcohol CAN be a factor in some rape situations, but obviously MISSING THE POINT ENTIRELY that the ghost of Jack Daniels doesn't come out of the bottle, angry erection in hand, and rape you himself at a certain point of female drunkenness. That, in fact, it's the man who thinks so little of you as a human being and so highly of you as a sexual opportunity who takes advantage of the fact that he CAN rape you, secure in the knowledge that some smug old bitch like Emily Yoffe will wag her know-it-all, admonishing finger at the victim afterward. Ms. Yoffe also has some weirdo idea in her head that what's actually causing all these rapes is that women think they are being all feminist by matching guys drink for drink. No, seriously. Like, as in, for real.. she SAID that.. here. From the post..

"Let’s be totally clear: Perpetrators are the ones responsible for committing their crimes, and they should be brought to justice. But we are failing to let women know that when they render themselves defenseless, terrible things can be done to them. Young women are getting a distorted message that their right to match men drink for drink is a feminist issue. The real feminist message should be that when you lose the ability to be responsible for yourself, you drastically increase the chances that you will attract the kinds of people who, shall we say, don’t have your best interest at heart. That’s not blaming the victim; that’s trying to prevent more victims."

What really sucks here is that the above paragraph is pretty much the only part of her piece that does, in fact, discuss how the perpetrators are responsible for their actions. At best, this is another disgusting, stomach-turning example of an educated, professional, adult woman who has been so indoctrinated with social sexism that she actually BELIEVES this is a progressive, proactive approach to the rape culture crisis we are all suffering from. I hate to break it to you, lady, but we all know that the world is dangerous. What all of us militant feminists are raging about is that we've TRIED ALL OF THIS SHIT AND IT DOESN'T WORK. You can get raped by any man, at any time, in any social setting, no matter what the theme or central activity is. The fact that women from all walks of life and of all personality types are getting raped is terrible enough, but the aftermath might actually be worse than the attack, and guess what? Emily Yoffe, you are now part of that aftermath. A woman suffering the trauma following a rape that was NOT HER FAULT, does not need to read this tripe about what SHE was doing, wearing, or where she was. The asshole who RAPED her needs to be questioned and scrutinized and shamed. There are dangerous people EVERYWHERE. When a crime or assault is committed against a man, we don't ask him what he was doing drinking at a party (you know, where people drink), or why he was wearing a certain kind of clothing, or why he was out late at night, or hanging out without some sort of chaperoning escort to ensure his safety... oh yeah, that's right. We treat men like people. How dare us silly bitches think we deserve the same courtesy.

From "How to write a rape prevention article without sounding like an asshole" by Erin Gloria Ryan, published in Jezebel, and using a direct quote from Ms. Yoffe's piece:

"DON'T write this paragraph:

'If I had a son, I would tell him that it’s in his self-interest not to be the drunken frat boy who finds himself accused of raping a drunken classmate. Surely this University of Richmond student, acquitted in one of the extremely rare cases in which a campus rape accusation led to a criminal trial, would confirm that.'

If Emily Yoffe had a son, she'd teach him how not to be accused of rape at a party. Not how to stay sober enough to remain vigilant and interfere with potentially alcohol-fueled rape situations, or how it's not okay to have sex with a woman who is too drunk to consent. Nope. Just how not to get accused of rape. Got it."

By the way, Ms. Ryan, if you read this somehow, please know that you make my everlovin' day, girl. I read your work all the damn time, and you're fucking awesome.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh SHIT, yeah

this shit totally fucking happened..


Danielle N. Lee, who has blogged for Scientific American for at least two years and refers to herself as the  "Urban Scientist" was asked by a content editor for Biology-Online.com if she would write for them, when she asked about compensation, she was called a whore. What the fuck, right? Her blog post on this matter, including screenshots of emails, can be found here.

For the record, Ms. Lee.. I wish you had been my biology teacher.
-----------------------------------

Ted Cruz - SHUT THE FUCK UP. Oh my God, you're a moron.

In Ted Cruz news this week...

Ted Cruz calls birth control "abortifacients" - Huffpost

Ted Cruz fails to disclose financial ties to Jamaican Holdings company- TIME

Ted, Jamaican me crazy, here..

Chris VanHollen, representing the 8th district of the State of Maryland in the U.S. House of Representatives and also writing for TheGuardian.com, brought this lovely little gem to light in his article "Republican Rule-Rigging Cause This Shutdown and Subverted Democracy". Here is an excerpt from that piece:

"There are enough votes in the House to pass the Senate's "clean" bill to fund government – and this already represents Democrats being willing to compromise to accept the GOP's post-sequester funding levels for the short term. It would have easily passed the House with a bipartisan majority – had the House Republican leadership brought it to the floor for a simple up-or-down vote. But House Republicans – many of whom have long had the goal of shutting down the government – effectively wrote the shutdown into law with just hours left on the clock.

If that sounds unbelievable and outrageous, it's because it is.

The chairman of the House rules committee conceded that, under normal procedure with clause 4 of rule 22, if the House amends a Senate bill and the Senate rejects the House's amendment(s), any House member has the right to bring the original Senate bill up for an immediate up-or-down vote in the House. But just two hours before the government was poised to shut down, House Republicans quietly rigged the rules in their favor. They changed that rule to ensure that only Republican majority leader Eric Cantor could bring the Senate bill to reopen the government up for a vote – something they have refused to do."

In case this hasn't reached you on Facebook, here is the video demonstrating this rule-rigging in action.


and last, but certainly not least.. Linda Oliver, the Mayor of West Union, South Carolina, had THIS to say (and then promptly delete) on her Facebook:

"What's it gonna take to get these queers to realize they don't need a piece of paper. God will not bless their union because he plainly speaks against queers in the Bible. Want to cover your queer with insurance? Buy a policy. Want your queer to get your stuff when you die? Make a will."

From HuffPost:

"The post quickly drew an onslaught of criticism from Facebook users. Meanwhile, a Facebook group titled "Recall West Union S.C. Mayor Linda Oliver" was also created in the wake of the controversy.

But Oliver says she anticipated the heated response, telling Fox Carolina, "All I can say is if people want to crucify me, that's fine. I know that following Jesus, I'm going to be crucified."

On the topic of same-sex marriage, she added, "I don't want it rammed down my throat."

Though she insists she'll now use "homosexual," Oliver also defended her use of the word "queer," noting, "The way I feel toward homosexuals is how I've been brought up.""

You IGNORANT bitch, Ms. Oliver. I hope there is, in fact, a Rapture. I can't wait til it takes you, and people like you, the hell off the planet.

The Feminine Context

The Revolution May Not Be Televised, But We Can Damn Sure See You Fuckers Running This Shutdown

I'll have my rant on this. For now, enjoy Aloe Blacc's "Politician"

HEY BOEHNER! FUCKING SUCK IT.


The Feminine Context

Republican Extremists Must Have Orgasms Every Time They Lie About The Affordable Care Act

PolitiFact PWNS even more fucktards trying to spread misinformation and outright lies to terrify people about the Affordable Care Act.

YOUR TEAM LOST.. OMG, FUCKING DEAL WITH IT..

From PolitiFact:

"The Facebook post claims to be from a man named Will Sheehan. (We couldn’t confirm his identity.)  The post says that he tried to sign up for Obamacare and then decided to not go along with it; he then said he received an email detailing fines he would face.  

Here’s the full text of the post:

"I actually made it through this morning at 8:00 A.M. I have a preexisting condition (Type 1 Diabetes) and my income base was 45K-55K annually I chose tier 2 ‘Silver Plan’ and my monthly premiums came out to $597.00 with $13,988 yearly deductible!!! There is NO POSSIBLE way that I can afford this so I ‘opt-out’ and chose to continue along with no insurance. I received an email tonight at 5:00 P.M. informing me that my fine would be $4,037 and could be attached to my yearly income tax return. Then you make it to the ‘REPERCUSSIONS PORTION’ for ‘non-payment’ of yearly fine. First, your drivers license will be suspended until paid, and if you go 24 consecutive months with ‘Non-Payment’ and you happen to be a home owner, you will have a federal tax lien placed on your home. You can agree to give your bank information so that they can easy ‘Automatically withdraw’ your ‘penalties’ weekly, bi-weekly or monthly! This by no means is ‘Free’ or even ‘Affordable’."

We will check a number of the post’s claims below."

Please take a look at this post by clicking here.

The Feminine Context

Craigslist of Ridiculous Demands: Men Seeking Women for Godawful Reasons

If ever you are single and feeling down about it, all you need to do is pop over to Craigslist and take a good long look at who's looking for YOU..

Fo' real, bitches. Ten minutes into just scanning over a few posts in "Men Seeking Women" and I was seriously trying to figure out the logistics of getting my vagina stitched shut.

Let's look at some real winners from the Dallas area...

From the ad:

"First of all I'm in the Phoenix area, so if you are what I'm looking for, you'll also have to be willing to move here. It's a nice place actually and great weather. I'm SWM, mid 40s, professional, handsome, successful, 5'11" 185lb, non smoker, light drinker. I own a very nice home (though it could use a woman's touch) and have all kinds of fun toys. My interests include Harleys, Corvettes, Dirt Bikes, Motor Sports, Photography, Guns, Shooting, Home improvement and do it yourself projects. I'm upbeat and like to enjoy my free time as much as possible."

Translation: I GOTS MONIES. YEAH. THAT'LL GET EM.

To elaborate on that point, the man kindly leaves us another picture:

"You'll need to like weekend trips to Vegas or the California coast. I'm Looking for a girlfriend and possibly future wife 18-35 with a figure, no kids and also a lady who might enjoy (or would like to) model for hot high heel, mini skirt theme photos and video. Photography is a huge interest of mine and I'd like to find a partner who enjoys modeling and is very photogenic. Do you like to play dress up and pose for photos or perform for the video camera? Is this something you've fantasized about? Would like to find a husband who encourages your exhibionist tendencies? You are my type if you do. I'll spoil MY girl rotten, hair styling, manicures, pedicures, heels, hot outfits, etc. Yes, everything it takes to make YOU my hot little Model and beautiful girlfriend or wife. Send a pic with reply. You may be just the girl I've been looking for : ) "

Translation: I AM TOTALLY WILLING TO PAY FOR ALL THE SHIT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK AS PLASTIC AS POSSIBLE. THAT IS PRETTY MUCH ALL I AM LOOKING FOR SINCE I HAVEN'T SUGGESTED A SINGLE PERSONALITY TRAIT THAT I AM ALSO LOOKING TO FIND.

"Want huge implants as in DDD to G??? Major bonus points if you do because that's the look I want my woman to have. Yes, you need to want to be a huge boobs hottie!"

There better be a health plan involved, because some bitch is going to undergo early spinal failure trying to hold them things up. Oh, gentleman.. do you also plan on providing steel-reinforced breast scaffolds? Cause anyone with a waist as tiny as you seem to require is going to need some additional support keeping those boobs upright.

OH! and here's another..this guy's looking for a "country gal" who's all about breaking every cardinal rule of meeting someone over the internet..

"Ok so this the deal I am white male 34 years old and I am going on vacation the week of thanksgiving to my parents cabin. Were going to cookout hunt drink beer drink wiskey what ever the night unfolds. So im looking for a country girl that would enjoy this sort of thing this event can be platonic or romantic all depends on are vibe I guess. There are seperate beds and all that so dont have to worry about sleeping together if thats something your worried about. Really just want the company and too have a good time. So taking applicants lol send me email some info on yourself and some pics. Yee Yee!!!!! (Ps some of the pics are from when we have been working on it as we speak so its work in progress lol)..."

Oh, sure.. why not? I'll just pack up mah country bumpkin ass, get in your truck (which I assume you have), and just hit the road on a major family holiday out to your cabin! Yee...

wha?

Oh yeah, there's this picture that opens up the ad..

Three hours outside of town in a half-built cabin with someone I've never met? Yeah, I think I'll pass, buddy... that's a damn Lifetime thriller waiting to happen.

So having been completely creeped out by what Dallas had to offer today, I checked out Knoxville, TN

Then I found this:

Really, the creepiness of this speaks for itself. Even the babies look freaked out..

"Hi, are there any women on here who are at their point in life where they have not found the right person to have a family with, but time is running out for whatever reason and would like to make one now. Not in the next couple of years but rather sooner than later? I am an Asian man in the same boat and looking for someone to make a family or child together. I am not here to play games or beat around the bush. I dont care what race you are or maybe you have a kid already but must be open to having more. Please put "BABY" in the title so I know you are real and not a bot or spam. But more importantly tell me about you and send me some photos of you also, would like to see who I am talking to."

Love how seeing a photo of his breeding stock is a mere footnote to the whole post about impregnating her.. *shudder*

LOVE this one... real dream of a guy...

"Hello and no im not looking just for sex !

If you do drugs please do Not waste my time.

Why do u email me thin never email me back after I reply,,U women are so unpredictable .you all must like playing games!!"

Us women, we're such unpredictable, game-playing sillies! I bet I can predict how many dates you get when you heap the responsibility of all of your bad dating experiences on US! Could it possibly be that your poor grasp of the English language, paired with your excessive, aggressive, desperation-infused use of exclamation points is scaring the ladies away? Oh wait.. he goes on..

"Why is it so hard to find someone these days I will never no,,I dont understand what women want these days.please no judgemental women,,be nice"

You girls will never "no". Le sigh...

Pink Pepper Spray: Form and Function and Really Fucked Up

Couldn't help but notice this tweet from the awesome @Kiskolee yesterday and just HAD to investigate...


She's got a point, you know..

So here I went onto the trusty ol' Google image search to see what I could find for the terms "pink pepper spray"..

Holy burning balls, Batman! That's a lot shitload of pink non-lethal self-defense items!

I thought maybe there would be a few pink-colored pepper sprays out there, but damn. As you can see (if you clicked on the link), there's an enormous variety of personal protection devices that all look like accessories for Barbie's Dream House (and Dream Car, and Dream Purse, and Dream Backpack, and Dream Laptop Case and Dream Office Desk, and Dream Hiding Place in the Dream Kitchen Cabinet, etc..).

Let's start with your basic pepper spray, which of course, comes in HOT PINK..


heh.. HOT pink. You got it, right? Cause it's PEPPER spray and its HOT...

I'm posting links directly to the places where you can buy these items, just in case you thought I was totally kidding.

Pink just got hotter with Hot Pink Mace Defense Spray!

From the website:

"Even when it comes to personal protection, girls want to look good and be in fashion. Now, you don't have to settle for a bland color that doesn't match anything. Spice it up!

Hot Pink Pepper Spray 

Fashionable 10% Mace Brand pink pepper spray"

You know us girls. Always wanting to look good and be fashionable. That's probably why we get raped so damn often, huh? I don't know about YOU bitches, but when I spray my attacker in the face, I want him to notice that I ACCESSORIZED before his eyes slam shut from the capsaicinoids assaulting his mucous membranes. That'll show him!

You don't want the cops to find your lifeless body and wonder why your nails and ineffective protection device DON'T MATCH! While they're busy wondering just what in the hell your silly ninny ass was doing out after dark by yourself, they might miss a doughnut or two because of your nausea-inducing lack of post-mortem fashion sense.


If that particular model will maybe make your ass look fat (HORRORS) in its slender design, perhaps you need something that offsets your greater-than-size-eight ham-hockedness! You know, like the control-top panties of pepper spraying accessories. ONE MUST ACCESSORIZE, GODDAMNIT!

Mace Pepper Gun Distance Defense Spray with LED, Hot Pink

..and who says that companies aren't catering to plus-sizes?

Ye gods..

If something a little less blatant appeals to you, try this FASHIONABLE little number..

Covert Pink Heart Lipstick Pepper Spray


For the lady who understands that its best that people believe you carry heart-shaped lipstick cases (as opposed to personal protection) wherever you go. It's much more feminine and lady-like to be maniacally-obssessed with one's appearance than to concern your pretty little head with defending yourself.

As much as I appreciate that the companies that make these things consider us girls so vain, vapid, and attracted to shiny, brightly colored things that even our last-ditch effort emergency life saving devices have to be "cute"... Well.. if you can make it PINK to appeal to my delicate sensibilities, why can't you bling it up a little bit to appeal to my stereotypical gold-digging whore sensibilities as well? DAMMIT, I'M A PRINCESS!

Oh shit.. I shouldn't have asked..


There's a whole lot of shit going on here, but we're gonna start with what the website says.

Guardian Girls "Winged Edition: Black with Pink Crystals"

"Guardian Girls Winged Edition pepper sprays are individually hand crafted and adorned with Swarovski crystals. The Winged Edition pepper spray features a custom re-usable design allowing you to insert a water cartridge for practice or a pepper spray cartridge for when you are on the go.

Available in a variety of color combinations, this beautifully decorated safety device is designed to provide dependable and effective self-defense allowing you to be safe & sexy."

Before I go any further, I DO want to recognize the Guardian Girls, their foundation and their blog, and specifically its founder, Yvonne Anderson. Ms. Anderson is a single mother who has firsthand experience dealing with a stalker. She chose to take the terror of that experience, turn it around and do something positive for other women. Guardian Girls' foundation helps to support a variety of charity organizations that improve the lives of women and their families and should be commended. Guardian Girls are able to support their good works for women via the sale of items like these, so I'm happy to give a link and shout-out to them. The thing is, its not Ms. Anderson or her organization that I take issue with.. its the market in which they have to compete and the social climate that breeds the market.

Personally, I find it horrific that we're literally trying "doll-up" these things we really shouldn't HAVE to be carrying just because we're women and we are expected to be ornamental at all times, apparently even in moments of extreme peril. We are so very conditioned to being adorned, accessorized, and fashionable that we're even seeking to make a WEAPON "girly" and "fun". With all due respect to Guardian Girls, the practice of Barbie-fying literally every product aimed at female consumers isn't merely sexist, but it contributes to the overall infantilization of women in society.

Just in case you think I'm overreaching here, THIS is what Google gave me as a definition for the word "infantilize".

Little GIRLS have pink, fluffy, sparkly shit marketed to them constantly. As for me, that's a whole different rant for a whole 'nother day on how that affects children insofar as shoving them face first into sexual/gender roles that aren't right for them. "Princess" overload can negatively impact girls, giving them messed up ideas on what it is to be female. One might say that the ripple effect of Princess indoctrination can be easily seen in adult women who endured it as girls, manifesting as a lack of confidence in self and capabilities. For now, I'll pass that one over to Jessica Bennett from The Daily Beast, with her article "Disney Princesses and the Battle for your Daughter's Soul".

I'll put it to you this way..

what good is that blinged up pepper spray if it doesn't match your iPad??

Oh.

Mah.

GAWD..



Girl! How dare you spritz your fancy "liquid-haul-ass" into that assailants' eyeballs when it doesn't even match....

YOUR GODAWFUL BARBIE PINK SHOES!!!!!!!!

You know!

The ones that are literally destroying your feet, your legs, and your back BUT DAMN YOU LOOK GOOD!









Now if you're just sick of fussing about with your personal attackers, trying to aim just right, stop fucking around and get this bad boy, all GIRLED up just for you AND your girlyparts!

Taser C2 Fashion Pink w Laser


"The TASER C2 is our newest product designed for personal protection. Utilizing the same technology as our proven law enforcement models, the C2 has incredible take down power."

I will AT LEAST hand it to this company that while they felt compelled to stick the term "fashion" on it (cause you know, the ladies will look at anything as long as it has "fashion" glued on there somewhere), at least they don't fuck around with the "sexy" and "cute" shit ad-nauseum. Plus, no one is ever going to willingly fuck with you again if you taze them.

When Vaginas Attack: Wednesday Killer Ladyparts Edition (NSFW - duh)

Drugs are bad, mmkay?

The above video actually comes from "Sexual Parasite: Killer Pussy", an astonishingly terribly scream flick from Japan (where else?). I still prefer the "No means NO" scene from the movie "Teeth", which for clarification was about the timeless vagina dentata myth. I'm thinking this clip, disturbing though it may be, could possibly do a fair amount of good if shown to a few unprepared dudebros..




Of course, to read something utterly fucking hilarious about vagina panic in the nonfictional, real world, I'm going to suggest a visit to TheHoopla to read Corinne Grant's epic "Attack of the Killer Vaginas", written in response to THIS Australian Carefree Acti-Fresh commercial..


From what I understand, people went ape-shit down under at the mere mention of that highly unmentionable body part down under there.. THE VAGINA!

..to quote Ms. Grant:

"Vaginas are way more dangerous than weather! Why do you think babies come out of them screaming?

There’s no point denying it any longer, ladies, what you keep between your legs is dangerous and must be stopped. Your fetid bits are the bringers-down of governments, the destroyers of morality and the breeders of lust.

Thank god the good people of Family First have had the guts to stand up and say, “Enough! The V word is hurty on my ears!”  Now all we can do is hope that something will be done to stop this evil scourge.

Believing that vaginas are a normal, acceptable part of the human anatomy is the first step towards eternal damnation."

you tell em, Bitch!

Enjoy your day ;)

I'm BACK, bitches!

Bitchitudinousness reigns again!

Well, hopefully.. I do kinda have some shit to do around here

BUT!

I'm going to try and do better about ranting my ass off on a more regular basis. I find it therapeutic.

What have I been doing with myself, you might ask (or might not.. its been FOR-FUCKING-EVER since I wrote here).. well..

-Moving
-Raising the mini-shebeast
-Being pissed off at Google AdSense which has banned me for life over a stupid misclick which they said was me trying to inflate my own ad revenue.
-Founding, forming, and whipping an MMORPG clan together
-Becoming a more righteously indignant feminist, every fucking day.

Expect more activity here.

Silence is just not on my vagenda anymore.

The Feminine Context

Sexual, Female, AND Human? Why Sasha Gray Can't Catch A Break

11/11/2011
From HuffingtonPost:

"How would you feel if an adult film star read to your seven year old child? Believe it or not, some parents in California are pretty angry that it happened in their kids' classroom.
Porn legend Sasha Grey was a guest reader at Emerson Elementary School in Compton, California earlier this month, joining first and third grade students in their Read Across America day. Grey certainly enjoyed the experience, tweeting, "Spent the am with Read Across America Compton, reading to the sweetest 1st & 3rd grade students @ Emerson Elementary!"
The problem, TMZ reports, is that parents aren't happy -- and that school officials, instead of addressing the issue, are claiming it never happened. Of course, it'd be silly for Grey to tweet about it if it hadn't happened, and more importantly, TMZ has a photo of the event (as they always seem to do)."

Ms. Gray gave a statement to TMZ regarding her participation in the Read Across America child literacy program, in which she writes:


"Read Across America" is a program that was designed to promote literacy and instill a lifelong love of reading in elementary school students. Promoting education is an effort that is close to my heart. Illiteracy contributes to poverty; encouraging children to pick up a book is fundamental.
 I believe education is a universal right. I committed to this program with the understanding that people would have their own opinions about what I have done, who I am and what I represent.
 I am an actor. I am an artist. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a partner. I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am. 
I will not live in fear of it. To challenge non-profit education programs is an exercise in futility, counter-productive and anti-educational. 
I cannot thank my fans and 'Read Across America' enough for supporting my decision. Your support and kind words continue to inspire me. I believe in the future of our children, and I will remain an active supporter and participant in education-focused initiatives."


Good for you, Sasha Gray. What a great thing for you to do for a group of kids that certainly enjoyed your reading to them. If only most kids' parents would take that kind of time and read to their children.

I don't have a damn thing against porn, and neither should you. I'm not talking about illegal activities involving non-consenting individuals. No one's backing that up. I'm talking about good ol' American (Japanese? Russian? German? Whatever floats your boat) porn, that almost everyone has looked at at some point or another, if not several times a week... or day.. or in an alternate window while you're reading this very post.

Both hands on the keyboard, buddy. I'm trying to tell you something, here.

Okay. Fine. Finish and come back after you've washed your hands.

Regarding porn..

For starters, you probably watch it. Statistical data is hard to count on because one group or another is constantly tweaking numbers up or down to try and make a point, but let's just say that the majority of reports about adult pornography use on the internet indicate that a whole fuck of a lot of everyone is watching, viewing, or reading some porn at any given time of the day or night. If one were to try and draw some sort of "average score" out of these extremely varied reports on internet pornography usage, it probably boils down to somewhere around 52% of men and 50% of women who at least admitted to it. Obviously, these numbers don't even begin to account for people who look at it and don't want to tell anyone, or who look at "specialty" porn designed to satisfy fetishes that are based on objects or ideas that most people would never identify with the term "sexy". Many people are sexually excited by the damndest, and quite frankly, most harmless things. I for one don't think I have any business whatsoever getting my panties in a wad over whether someone is attracted or excited by things like stuffed animals, trees, or bugs. I am  in no way required to participate in anyone else's turn-on, if asked, I can say no.. so how is it any of my concern if my neighbor gets a semi because he thinks the myrtle tree in my yard is hot as hell. Good for him. At least someone is noticing my tree and NOT how long it's been since I cut the grass beneath it. What do I care? If everyone is obeying the law, then he's in his house getting his jollies from that myrtle and its sexy, bark-free body, and he's not on my lawn humping it. Everyone's happy.

If you insist that you don't partake of the massive erotic pornucopia online, well what the hell ever, okay? I'm just going to be nice about it and nod, but don't push it. Porn use is so prevalent among adults that as much as you want to get a bee in your butt (fetish?) about it, probably half of your knitting club does things with their needles that would make you not only cross your legs but strap them together with leather belts. Problem being, this might only turn them on MORE. The real point is that there's NO point getting upset about it. Porn is everywhere and it's been here since our ancestors figured out they could use Saber-Toothed Cat poo like crayons on their cave walls, and that an extra stick limb on a stick figure could represent a penis.



Pornography is no longer the sad business of taking starry-eyed would be actresses and making depraved whores out of them, if it ever really was. Adult film stars see themselves as just that, "stars", not victims or objects of pity. Adult entertainment is big freaking business, and as such, working standards have improved if for no other reason than to keep everyone's asses covered on a legal front. The porn industry creates jobs, and is well-recognized as the primary driving force behind many of the technological developments that have come to benefit both businesses and consumers alike. Internet technology like credit-card processing and verification, website membership security, encryption, video technology, and file-optimization have all been developed more rapidly, competitively, and economically as a means to buy and sell adult content online.

There are a few other things that can be said, specifically about people who actually work in front of the cameras in the adult entertainment industry. The one thing that pornography professionals have done differently than most of us is that they've demonstrated that they've got 'nads enough to work in an industry that, although considered taboo, is actually STILL THRIVING in our otherwise depressed economy. I believe it's also worth mentioning that adult film actresses and models are working in a field that, by the efforts and intentions of society's effort to promote women's sexual liberty, they really ought to be given a bit more respect for. I don't mean that we should be placing banners up everywhere we go, featuring this week's DVDA princess, but considering how many people are actually watching all of this porn, how is it fair to act like these people are doing something subversive and terrible?

Why is it that when sexual acts are filmed, we talk about the individuals engaged in that act as though they should be ashamed of it? How is it any different than what the majority of single adults get drunk and do any given weekend, other than that the adult film industry is more likely to enforce the use of condoms and STD/STI testing before adults engage in sexual intercourse? Sometimes, in an effort to promote feminism, porn actresses will be discussed as though they are brainwashed, patriarchy-indoctrinated "victims" which in itself is degrading, not uplifting, to these women. How is it that violent, gory crime dramas are winning awards, but the act of two (or more?) adults doing something together that makes them feel freaking AWESOME is considered a cause of detriment to society? Sasha Gray, for example, is a beautiful young woman who has recently published a book (adult in nature, but intellectual and artistic) and is proud of her work, as she has every right to be. How is it anyone's place to tell her she shouldn't be? She's achieved a great deal of success in her former career, and is currently expanding into new territory. How is it fair that we shower women like Kim Kardashian with press, attention, and fan-worship for doing, well.. nothing without her mom's direction and her dad's money, yet we take the first opportunity we can to piss on an adult film actress who took an opportunity to do something nice and READ to little kids?

There are certainly many varieties of adult entertainment that are presented with elements of violence, and these cater to specific fetishes. Maybe it's true that much of available pornographic material promotes illusory, airbrushed, unrealistic images of women and men. It's part of the fantasy, and anyone who's had sex more than twice can easily understand that fantasy and reality are two very different things. Any information, be it text or image, that is adult in nature can be confusing to children.. this is very true. The rest of the world is not supposed to raise your children or moderate its existence in case your children see. As a parent, it's your job to explain aspects of life to your kids, often as they come up.

It's also a matter of picking your battles at an age-appropriate time for your own child.

In the case of Sasha Gray, there's no reason that any child she read to needs to know anything about her past, and should it come up, a simple "she made movies that are only for adults" would suffice for a child within that age-range. Making a big huge fucking deal out of it is only going to make the situation utterly fascinating to a child, who will then explore the issue that they thought NOTHING about before it garnered such a reaction out of their parents.

The real "problem" is that Sasha Gray doesn't feel bad about herself, her choices, or what she's done. If she seemed ashamed of her sexuality, or a victim of the porn industry, it might make it easier for people to accept her. When pressed to discuss a hypothetical situation that would be completely identical to hers, a lot of people would disagree with condemning her for reading to those children. Our society, with its seemingly indelible stain of puritanism, still has quite a lot to learn. Maybe even from a porn star.

The Feminine Context

By Request Of Readers - The Feminine Context for Kindle!

Yes, I was asked to do this. I figure, what the hell? Might reach some pissy broads like myself who are extra pissy because they're short on time to access the internet.

Enjoy, Kindlers!

The Feminine Context

Saga Of The Sodden Stay-At-Home Moms

This is an actual facebook conversation, saved, names and identities removed. These are women whose "job" within the structure of their family is to stay home and care for their children. I seriously doubt their husbands get to drink at THEIR jobs.

I am a stay at home mother with about a billion other irons in the fire from working online, and somehow, it never occurs to me to get trashed while my child is under my care. I posted a bit about this phenomena HERE and HERE, and every time I think I was being unreasonable, I see something else that makes my stomach turn.

I hate to think of what these women would have to say about babysitters or teachers or childcare workers who drank "socially" or to "relax" while at their jobs. So what makes it different when the drinking is done by mom at home? Why is it "cute" because they're saying "glass of wine"? What if they said "Jack& Coke" or "Jello Shots"? It's the same thing except the public idea is that jello shots are stronger, so more caution might be taken when it came to pounding em down. I sincerely doubt anyone would find it remotely classy that women who don't work and bring in an income for the family are watching their kids hammered on whiskey or vodka, but somehow when it's wine, it's suburban chic?

Are we actually lamenting the fact that no one can get away with popping Valium like its candy? While caring for children?

The Feminine Context

Parents Generation v. Current Generation

Borrowed from the FABULOUS TequilaxMockingbird, the "Will" to my "Grace", who got it from God knows where.. hilarious in how tragically accurate it is..

The Feminine Context

God Save The Teens: An Intervention

This is an actual Facebook-comment conversation I had with my niece the other night. It is at times like this that I'm grateful for the long, lonely, isolated adolescence I experienced as a home-schooled student. At least I never had the opportunity to pick up dumbass habits like this.

Names and identifying information removed. Kids, if no one's slapped you for abusing the English language like this, please do what's right and slap the holy shit out of YOURSELF.

The Feminine Context

More Questionable And Hilarious Products As Reviewed By TFC

For the most part, I really don't like to go shopping. To hell with crowds and overhead lighting. Most of my problem with shopping is that paying a store's label price really eats away at some portion of my penny-pinching, price-comparing soul. Besides, shopping offline limits one to a PG-rated experience, bland and devoid of the rich (and often ridiculous) wide-open internet marketplace. Only that kind of "free market" could allow for products like this..

The Baggy Winecoat

It's Sex and the City, bitches! Now, available everywhere you can take a purse and a morally-casual attitude towards your increasing alcohol dependency, which would be.. well, everywhere with THIS handy and stylish bag. We all know that closet alcoholism is coming back in style (also mirrored here at OpenSalon), especially among the suburban soccer mom set. Go all Martha Stewart on this swag by taking the label off one of your fancy purses and affixing it to this lovely wine-in-a-box tote, adding class and sophistication to your new wine-swilling accessory! For extra points, make sure the purse that you rip the label off of is one of those that costs the equivalent of the average American's monthly housing payment. If it's not EXCESS, it's not SUCCESS! Sure, one of those heifers from the PTA is bound to point out that it's not Prada, but after a refill or two into those seemingly innocuous Dixie-cups, she won't give a damn anymore and neither will you.

PS: Some of my gay male and drag queen friends are looking at this item right now thinking "OMG, this is WONDERFUL" and despite my heavily-laden sarcasm, are ordering one right this very minute. One in particular has probably got three or four variations of something like this bag AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MISTER. For you, I've found something entirely more fabulous. See below.

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Arm-Shapers

Okay, so everyone has a few baggy places they'd like to tighten up, after all.. everyone has this idea that they want to be lean and slim and .. what the holy hell ?

Padded Butt Enhancing Panties

... and the winner for best product to ensure lifelong emotional scarring when found in mom's laundry.. ASS-PILLOW PANTIES! Remember all of those helpful, hurtful, degrading dieting and fitness tips, ladies? The ones mom shared out of maternal concern, sharp and cutting, letting you know that the source of life's happiness is found only in the reduction of your derriere? ALL LIES!!! LIES, I TELL YOU! The old broad was coveting your bountifulness the entire time!!! She was trying to bring you down! Down to her assless level! Apparently, curves actually ARE where it's at! Unless you have them in the wrong places, I suppose. Too much curvature in those places requires management and a barrier method, such as..

SmoothGrooves

You know how you avoid unwanted toe? It's not in buying a prosthetic "Barbie Crotch" (as xojane.com so lovingly put it). It's really simple. Quit trying to shove your size 16 ass into those size 6 pants. Remember, your bubble-butt is obviously a desirable physical characteristic if there are actually "shapewear" products ugly as sin that are designed to try and mimic it. I'd say to embrace your big ass, except people's spines don't actually twist in such a way that its physiologically possible. It occurs to me, that the combined effort of all of this "shapewear" (arm shapers, butt/hip pads, and vulva-flattening devices of your choice) could easily result in a new female form that looks something like this:

Sexy, huh?



There are plenty of unnatural and disturbing ways to alter your body, and some of them are pretty interesting..

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Betty Beauty Pubic Hair Dye

Jesus H. Christ... Rome is burning and we're worried about how well the carpet matches the drapes?



The best part is the actual product description:

Betty products are specially formulated to color the hair down there.
(I suppose this is the "consumer-friendly" way of telling you that it won't burn your pubes off)

Natural looking.
(Note: This is the product description for a bottle of ULTRA-VIOLET colored pubic hair dye)

Covers gray.
(Just about as well as those other purple and blue shades that Gramma uses on her HEAD)

Lasts about four-five weeks.
(Which is about four to four and a half weeks longer than it takes for the average person to come off of a bender and wonder what the fuck possessed them to dye their pubes freakin' purple)

No drip - no mess formula.
(God, if only vaginas came with that sort of user assurance..)

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Now, for something completely harmless and adorable.. take a look at THIS cute little guy!

Aww!!!!! So sweet and cuddly, but.. um.. what IS it? Kinda looks like a little gray soccer ball..

But it's not. It's a stuffed toy made in the likeness of a molecular view of HPV. It comes with a tag that bears an actual molecular image of the virus, and a brief description. It's marketed as an educational toy. The one below is a plush-toy representation of chlamydia.

Who knew chlamydia had such cute little buggy eyes?? Immediately following Chlamydia is HIV, a serious looking little microbe who's donning a sporty and socially-conscious red awareness ribbon.



I know I'm a sick bitch and all, but somehow I kind of like the plushie microbes. Huzzah for internet shopping and the assurance that I don't have to stand in line at a register while people judge me by my bizarre purchases. haha.

The Feminine Context