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Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts

Sunday, November 6, 2011

More Questionable And Hilarious Products As Reviewed By TFC

For the most part, I really don't like to go shopping. To hell with crowds and overhead lighting. Most of my problem with shopping is that paying a store's label price really eats away at some portion of my penny-pinching, price-comparing soul. Besides, shopping offline limits one to a PG-rated experience, bland and devoid of the rich (and often ridiculous) wide-open internet marketplace. Only that kind of "free market" could allow for products like this..

The Baggy Winecoat

It's Sex and the City, bitches! Now, available everywhere you can take a purse and a morally-casual attitude towards your increasing alcohol dependency, which would be.. well, everywhere with THIS handy and stylish bag. We all know that closet alcoholism is coming back in style (also mirrored here at OpenSalon), especially among the suburban soccer mom set. Go all Martha Stewart on this swag by taking the label off one of your fancy purses and affixing it to this lovely wine-in-a-box tote, adding class and sophistication to your new wine-swilling accessory! For extra points, make sure the purse that you rip the label off of is one of those that costs the equivalent of the average American's monthly housing payment. If it's not EXCESS, it's not SUCCESS! Sure, one of those heifers from the PTA is bound to point out that it's not Prada, but after a refill or two into those seemingly innocuous Dixie-cups, she won't give a damn anymore and neither will you.

PS: Some of my gay male and drag queen friends are looking at this item right now thinking "OMG, this is WONDERFUL" and despite my heavily-laden sarcasm, are ordering one right this very minute. One in particular has probably got three or four variations of something like this bag AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MISTER. For you, I've found something entirely more fabulous. See below.


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Arm-Shapers



Okay, so everyone has a few baggy places they'd like to tighten up, after all.. everyone has this idea that they want to be lean and slim and .. what the holy hell ?

Padded Butt Enhancing Panties


... and the winner for best product to ensure lifelong emotional scarring when found in mom's laundry.. ASS-PILLOW PANTIES! Remember all of those helpful, hurtful, degrading dieting and fitness tips, ladies? The ones mom shared out of maternal concern, sharp and cutting, letting you know that the source of life's happiness is found only in the reduction of your derriere? ALL LIES!!! LIES, I TELL YOU! The old broad was coveting your bountifulness the entire time!!! She was trying to bring you down! Down to her assless level! Apparently, curves actually ARE where it's at! Unless you have them in the wrong places, I suppose. Too much curvature in those places requires management and a barrier method, such as..


You know how you avoid unwanted toe? It's not in buying a prosthetic "Barbie Crotch" (as xojane.com so lovingly put it). It's really simple. Quit trying to shove your size 16 ass into those size 6 pants. Remember, your bubble-butt is obviously a desirable physical characteristic if there are actually "shapewear" products ugly as sin that are designed to try and mimic it. I'd say to embrace your big ass, except people's spines don't actually twist in such a way that its physiologically possible. It occurs to me, that the combined effort of all of this "shapewear" (arm shapers, butt/hip pads, and vulva-flattening devices of your choice) could easily result in a new female form that looks something like this:


Sexy, huh?

There are plenty of unnatural and disturbing ways to alter your body, and some of them are pretty interesting..

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Betty Beauty Pubic Hair Dye


Jesus H. Christ... Rome is burning and we're worried about how well the carpet matches the drapes?

The best part is the actual product description:

Betty products are specially formulated to color the hair down there.
(I suppose this is the "consumer-friendly" way of telling you that it won't burn your pubes off)

Natural looking.
(Note: This is the product description for a bottle of ULTRA-VIOLET colored pubic hair dye)

Covers gray.
(Just about as well as those other purple and blue shades that Gramma uses on her HEAD)

Lasts about four-five weeks.
(Which is about four to four and a half weeks longer than it takes for the average person to come off of a bender and wonder what the fuck possessed them to dye their pubes freakin' purple)

No drip - no mess formula.
(God, if only vaginas came with that sort of user assurance..)
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Now, for something completely harmless and adorable.. take a look at THIS cute little guy!

Aww!!!!! So sweet and cuddly, but.. um.. what IS it? Kinda looks like a little gray soccer ball..

But it's not. It's a stuffed toy made in the likeness of a molecular view of HPV. It comes with a tag that bears an actual molecular image of the virus, and a brief description. It's marketed as an educational toy. The one below is a plush-toy representation of chlamydia.


Who knew chlamydia had such cute little buggy eyes?? Immediately following Chlamydia is HIV, a serious looking little microbe who's donning a sporty and socially-conscious red awareness ribbon.


I know I'm a sick bitch and all, but somehow I kind of like the plushie microbes. Huzzah for internet shopping and the assurance that I don't have to stand in line at a register while people judge me by my bizarre purchases. haha.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Occupy Humanity: Can Empathy Be Saved?

Like most Americans these days, I have worked a variety of jobs over the years. Somehow I have managed to maintain a common thread of occupational skills between jobs, because almost all of the positions I've held have been associated with caregiving. Each new employer could look back on my resume and see that I had been charged with the responsibility of caring for living beings that whose very survival depended on me in one way or another. Whether I cared for children, older adults, disabled persons, or animals, the rules are pretty much the same.

No matter who or what you are responsible for, you must treat them with respect and attempt to maintain the dignity and comfort of that individual. I don't care if you're caring for a sick, aggressive pitbull, or a sick, aggressive older man with dementia; you keep BOTH your prejudice AND "values" the hell out of the room and treat either scenario with the same amount of respect and concern. If you think you can treat either the dog or the man with less respect than the other, then you obviously have no business caring for the one who (due to your bias) receives less of your respect. When it comes to caring for that other living person, their rights are up there nearer to the ceiling, whereas yours are somewhere down below the sewer lines.

That's not an exaggeration or veiled complaint. It has to be that way. Placing the utmost emphasis on the needs of the being who is dependent on you is the only way to ensure that you meet those needs appropriately. Working within this structure of "them before us" prevents neglect, and oddly enough, high turnover of caregiver employees. If you can complete the tasks necessary for your job, do them correctly, and adhere to the standards expected from someone in your particular position, it's a lot easier to "leave it at work" and feel good about what you've done. Those who can achieve some level of "job satisfaction" are a lot more likely to remain in their line of work.

Certain things really came into focus for me when I became certified as a nurse aide. I decided that I eventually wanted to become a registered nurse. Having researched the field of nursing, I became aware that in a hospital or nursing home, nurse aides perform basic nursing tasks under the direction of registered nurses. RNs have more education and authority than nurse aides, and are paid better because of it. It makes no sense from a financial standpoint to pay for a floor's worth of RNs when you can pay a few of them to supervise a team of aides who are trained for basic nursing tasks. I got that part. What I didn't understand is how anyone thought they could be a good supervisor when they'd never done the actual job of the person below them. Thus, I decided to learn the "grunt work" and become a certified aide. I figured if I could get through physically challenging part of nursing, I could get through the academic parts a lot easier, PLUS I'd be a much more effective supervisory nurse than one who'd never had to work as an aide.

I realize now that I had identified a need to develop empathy.

At the time, I just figured it would be in my best interest to be prepared, and that the discipline of learning the job that "real nurses" didn't want to do could only help me in my studies later on. In retrospect, I think there was some part of me that wasn't quite "ripe" yet, and even then, young and stupid, I knew it. I was trying to develop a part of me that could extend the necessity of my career beyond simply meeting my own needs. An ever nagging, "pragmatic" part of me kept whispering in the background, "This is a waste of time. You're practically a straight-a student and you're dicking around with this diploma when you could be putting time into a degree". The "pragmatic" voices outside of my head, namely two friends who were (respectively) a dentist and a doctor, were both pretty busy calling me a fool for not pursuing a degree that would lead me to medical school. They treated my decision to become a nurse like a mental illness, or some sort of self-destructive habit. Upon finding out that I had chosen to first become a nurse aide and not even a full nurse, they began avoiding me whenever possible. My dad, who I'm sure wanted nothing but the best for me, wanted me to do something with my mad computer skills, but the idea of sitting on my ass working in an office (and the few times I had done so) made me sick. Sometimes I wonder if he didn't get some sort of 1980's power-suit idea in his head, and likened that and the presumably accompanying business/marketing/information technology degree to "success". In short, the thought of me changing bedpans seemed to make him feel like I was pursuing a diploma program as a scullery-maid, or worse, scullery-maid trainee. He thought it was "beneath" my capabilities, which didn't exactly make me feel great about my chosen career when things were tough. I took a little bittersweet solace in the fact that almost every one of my friends who had gotten degrees in those aforementioned fields had ended up working jobs in coffee houses or in offices that I, without a degree of that kind, could easily talk my way into. Even though I felt bad for my friends, whose own dads had clearly won the day, at least I knew I'd have a job eventually taking CARE of their dads.

I think it's kind of funny, in a dry sort of way, to recall that all the disapproving people in my life were politically conservative. I'll get back to that in a moment, though.

During the course of my later work in elder care, I realized that by putting my opinions and feelings on hold while I was on duty, I was actually able to not only do my job, but thrive in it. I've met a lot of "retired" CNAs who are working in other fields, usually due to their decision that caregiving work was "too depressing" for them. It's not like these women are making any more money than they were as aides, but the idea of being around people who were either actively dying or just irreversibly on their way to death, was more than they could bear. I had been taught a lot in my courses and a few rules still stick out, even after all the time that's passed between then and now. Notably..

1 - Certain things are never to be brought in to your working hours with someone you are taking care of, specifically your germs and bacteria, your negative emotions, your religion (or lack thereof), your political opinions, and details of your personal life.

2 - Certain things are never to be brought out from your working hours with someone you are taking care of, such as their germs and bacteria, their negative emotions, their religion (or lack thereof), their political opinions, and details of their personal life.

3 - Thou shalt never violate, and always remain alert and in timely practice of the laws of the land. It is your place to adhere to them, not bend, alter, or disrespect them. In remaining vigilant in adherence to legal and ethical standards, the client and caregiver shall both be protected.

4 - Lots of things are simply none of your business. No, really, most things are none of your business. That doesn't mean you get to be snippy and make a comment, gesture, or other flippant, passive-aggressive action that indicates your opinion while somewhat satisfying the job requirement that makes this issue none of your business. If you cannot work with someone without making things your business that shouldn't BE your business, you should call your agency, explain YOUR failing, and ask to be assigned elsewhere (if they still want someone like you to work for them).

5 - It IS your business to care enough about the things that are important to your client (religion, politics, family) to listen, learn, and be able to carry on a conversation that addresses THEIR need for camaraderie, NOT YOURS. If it has to be an act, be Oscar-worthy for it.

6 - If you are treated unkindly or with disrespect, you are never to respond in kind. It is your place to avoid those sorts of outbursts. If your client is too hostile and you cannot seem to resolve the issue OR work with it anymore, contact your supervisor for advice or another assignment. Additionally, consider another line of work. Clearly, something about you that you cannot help is too agitating to your client for you to remain caring for them, OR you're not adhering to rule #1, and/or #2.

These rules are probably read as simply "common sense", but when they have to be put into practice, one finds that most people don't have the discipline to follow them. Worse still, most people do not possess the empathy needed to obviate the need for discipline. If you can empathize with others as well as you need to in order to take full care of another living thing, then it shouldn't be so difficult that you NEED strong discipline to adhere to these fairly simple rules. If this empathy is what it takes to look after someone as their caregiver, then it is reasonable to assume that other positions of authority require the same. In fact, these rules could very easily apply to occupations like teacher, policeman, doctor..

.. politician.

It's really starting to concern me as I watch the ability to empathize, a necessary skill for those in a position of authority or as a representative of others, is not only difficult to discover in our "leaders", it is now something that some of us are beginning to treat with derision. The current crop of hopefuls for the GOP nomination are promoting the poorer sides of human nature to such an extent that public displays of it are not only being accepted, they are being celebrated. Public displays like booing our soldiers for asking questions that someone doesn't want to answer, laughing at the idea of someone dying due to lack of medical treatment, and making rape victims legally and permanently responsible for the ramifications of their attackers actions. Since when did our public opinion change from "Oh how awful, we can't let that happen if we can help it" to "serves them right"?

The "53%" rails against those who "don't pay taxes" because they're old and retired or they are literally so poor that they wouldn't survive if they did pay taxes on the mere pittance they make. The "53%" forget sales tax, payroll tax, and property taxes that everyone pays. Tax refunds are NOT "free money". Tax refunds are exactly that, a refund, of money that very poor people had ripped out of their paychecks over the year, causing strain and hardship to the family hanging on tooth and nail for that paycheck. Worse still, the "53%" have been so indoctrinated with hate, fear, and anger directed at their "opposition", they won't even stop and look at the fact that they are essentially fighting for the right to live a way that THEY don't even want to.

Empathy is defined as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another", which is something that politicians typically make grand attempts to feign, if nothing else. Historically, this has been done because the ability to empathize is typically demonstrated in those people we feel to be the "best" of us. Empathy is the reason your mother knew why you were sad, even when you didn't. It's why she still hugged you and loved you, even when you knowingly broke her rules. Empathy is the reason your friends call, make efforts to comfort, and listen to you cry when they never liked the stupid boyfriend who ended up breaking your heart exactly the way they KNEW he would. Empathy is the reason the best of your friends don't start off with "I told you so".

A massive load of "us against them" is being heaved upon our society, and the core premise is that the dirty, unwashed "them" is stealing undeserved resources from the noble, moral pockets of "us". Through misdirection of fear and anxiety, some (like the" 53%") are blinded to the fact that there's an effort to divide the ACTUAL "us", and apparently it's working. The truth is that there's only about 1% of "them", and they're doing all they can to bleed "us" dry and cast us into a million tiny factions until we don't recognize anyone else as one of "us". Worse still, "they" are claiming to be devout followers of Christianity, which requires empathy and love for others. "They" profess faith in an effort to make themselves appear moral, ethical, and inarguable. Real "faith" dictates that charity, tolerance, love, and concern for others is what makes you a morally upright human in the eyes of your God. Clearly "they" have no faith whatsoever in God, or they would trust that He would do His works and that their micromanagerial efforts here on Earth were not only unnecessary, but possibly an affront to Him.

With a bit of empathy for those that share your humanity, it's not hard to see that most of "us" are all suffering under the same tyranny brought about by just a few of "them".

The Feminine Context

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Occupy Together: Sad Paper Airplanes Don't Cost Postage

On October 28th, members of the Occupy Wall Street movement marched through Manhattan to the headquarters of many major banks, including Morgan Stanley, Citigroup, Bank Of America, JP Morgan Chase, and Well Fargo. Assembling outside the entrances to these banks, the OWS protesters threw paper airplanes made of folded up letters from members of the "99 percent". These letters had been written to banking executives and published to the website "OccupyTheBoardroom.com".

Now, personally.. I kinda dig the whole OccupyTheBoardroom thing. Here's a description, in their own words.

"Life gets awfully lonely for those at the top. What can we do to let them know someone's thinking of them? Maybe they need some new friends! We've thought of two ways we can help them with that.

Option 1: Pen Pals
Make your voice heard by the Wall Street elites who wrecked the economy and made the rest of us pay. Click on someone below and tell them a story that you think they should listen to. Just got a college degree and nothing to show for it? Just got evicted while your banker gets bonuses? Share your special story with someone who ought to know.

Option 2: Best Friends Forever
If you're feeling even more generous, why not reach out in a more creative way? Click on a banker below, then read the instructions and examples to get inspired. Maybe your banker needs some kind words, or maybe an intervention. Most importantly, use your imagination! The best, funniest, most revelatory interactions win prizes."

Now that's some old-school-meets-new-tech, good vibes, sarcastic American protesting. That warms me to the cockles of my heart. Maybe the sub-cockular area as well. Either way, I freakin' love it.

When you fold that shit up into a paper airplane, tossing it limp-wristed into the air to watch it nosedive onto the sidewalk... well, shit. How do I put this? This paper airplane gig leaves me cold. It kinda puts the "pussy" in "pusillanimous".

I'm sorry. I'm all for peaceful protesting, but the paper airplane thing looked sad and pitiful. It looked like a bunch of little birds dropping dead at the doorstep. On a purely visual level, to me it made the 99-percent look as weak and fragile as those paper airplanes that no one apparently knew how to fold in such a ways as to make them fly. Don't know what I'm talking about? Watch it for yourself by clicking here. Set it to a string quartet composition in a minor key, and it'll be the most depressing eighteen seconds ever filmed.



In what I can only surmise is a direct response to the sad paper airplane display, YouTube user RansackedRoom gives us THIS.


Our clever friend here has devised a lovely form of protest utilizing the junk mail that people receive every day from banking corporations. His suggestion is to take all of the credit card (and other banking product) offers received in the mail, and simply MAIL THEM BACK, using the postage-paid envelope that the banking corporation has so generously enclosed.

Don't stop there! He also recommends that while you add an insert of your own to indicate your support of the Occupy Movement, that you also enclose ALL your excess junk mail. Why? Well to drive up the postage cost to the bank, of course! For extra points, why not add a small piece of wood or roofing shingle? This will not only make the envelope heavy enough to count for extra postage, it will also make the envelope RIGID, which equals to an ADDITIONAL postage cost.

Sorry, but if I want to make an impact with a peaceful protest involving paper, I'd rather send a roofing shingle, an OWS-themed note, and a firm NO THANK YOU written on the offer sent to me by the bank, than to throw some dumbass paper airplane at a door. Besides, this also makes for a "greener" protest. RansackedRoom's method involves recycling materials that you would have only thrown away, and reusing them for a purpose.

Enjoy! I'm going to go start collecting flat, heavy things. Right after I check my mail.

If anyone's interested, RansackedRoom can be found on Twitter by clicking on this link.


The Feminine Context

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

State Tax Systems Burden The Poor, While Rich Get Off Easy - HuffingtonPost Article

"Contrary to the rhetoric from Republicans that half of Americans are not paying income taxes, at the state level the poor are paying more than twice as much of their income toward taxes than the super rich. At the same time poverty levels haven risen to highs not seen since 1993, with 15.1 percent of Americans officially classified as poor.

But those in the bottom 20 percent pay closer to 12 or 13 percent of their income in state and local taxes on average. The top 1 percent of income earners only pay 7 to 8 percent, according to the Institute on Taxation & Economic Policy." - Tyler Kingkade, Huffington Post


Go HERE to see this story on HuffingtonPost.com

Saturday, September 17, 2011

9 Ridiculously Expensive (And Tasteless) Items That No One Needs

Okay, fine. I'm doing something "list-style" that the Internet apparently just LOVES. I feel dirty and ashamed for purposefully being "trendy".

.. but not nearly as ashamed as I would be if you caught me in possession of any of these things.

See, it's not that I don't like having some nice things, nor do I begrudge others the joy of having nice things. My problem is with gratuitous demonstrations of wealth. No one needs a hat that's worth more than what some people make (and live on) in a year.

Like this one..

1. Darna "Lady Josephine" Black Hat



Price: $16,900.90

What the fucking fuck!!!????

I'm really feeling a little sick just looking at this. That's enough to buy a car or put a down payment on a house. That's enough money to take some people out of debt, get a decent used car, and put down a moderate amount on a house. This is a goddamn HAT made out of felt and ribbon that is worth more than your average full-time retail worker makes in a year before taxes.

Bitch, you better hope you're buried in this thing, and that you prepaid for your funeral.

2. Camel Loro Piana 100% Cashmere Coat with Russian Golden Sable



Price: $12,532.50

I bet it goes great with an ass-ugly black hat that costs more than the dead pomeranians used to make your coat! Gives you that whole "Sloppy Entitled Heiress" look. It's not even that these things are so expensive, which is really enough, but most of this stuff is so lacking in taste and style that I wouldn't touch it if it were on a clearance rack at JC Penneys.
In all seriousness, there better be some sort of microprocessor embedded in that hat that makes you qualified to LEAD MENSA, and there had better be some midgets sewn into the pockets of that coat who are cunning linguists, indeed. Fucking almost twenty grand for some tacky outerwear...

3. Velda Lauder Pewter Taffeta Deep Plunge Swarovski Corset



Price: $1,141.00

Now THIS, I think is awesome enough, but that's me. I got a thing for corsets. Have a freakin' baby and you'll have a thing for corsets, too. Do I think it's over a grand worth of awesome? No. This is an outfit for looking like a whore. There's nothing inherently wrong with that if it's

A: Your job to look like a whore (as in, you are one, or you are an exotic dancer/model)

or

B: It's an "every now and then" thing.

In either case, it's a lot of money on sparklies for something that's rather unlikely to EVER be seen in sunlight.

4. Hand Crocheted Red Metallic Snood Trimmed w/ Beads


Price: $4,999.00

Just in case the hat was a little flashy or pricey for you. Nothing says sexy like a snood that could have paid for someone's laser eye surgery.. WHO THE FUCK WEARS A SNOOD? Better question, who would spend five grand on a snood instead of like, bills, or spaying/neutering 500 dogs. SOMETHING. What excitement do you get out of a snood, when you could spend THOUSANDS less and get..

5. LELO Yva Vibrator

Price: $1,500.00

Girls, the natural order of things has somehow gone horribly, horribly awry.

No one who possesses a pussy should be subject to a credit check to pay for something to go in it. If anything, it's supposed to work in the opposite way. Yes, I said it. We all know it's true. Let it go.

I can justify even up to $100 on am exceptionally good vibrator, though I have to admit that the best and longest lasting vibe I've ever owned was a cheap-ass plastic one that my friend got me ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO from Spencers, and it still runs like a top today.

You could look at it a different way, as though you think so highly of your snatch that you simply must have sensual massagers plated with 14-karat gold OR NOTHING AT ALL.

In which case, you might as well close down shop, because no one will ever think as highly of your twat as you do.

Now, onto the items that only one dumbassed man would buy..

6. Nocturnal Penile Tumescence Monitor For Erectile Dysfunction Test


Price: $4,325.00

I have said it before, and it's true. You guys worry way too much about your dicks. All I did to get that last text link was search Google for "penis size, length, and function", and I got about 15,300,000 results.  The embarrassingly expensive device that I have shown here has two pads that you stick to your dick and (from as much as I can tell) sleep with, so you no longer have to stay up at night worrying about whether your dick is eroding or whatever it is that you're afraid they'll do. This thing records dick activity overnight and records the data so that you can pore over whether its normal or not in the morning.

So just in case NOTHING AT ALL was wrong with your penis, you can worry yourself straight into ED. Why wait til age and failing health slow your roll? Start undermining your ability to obtain and maintain an erection today!

7. Authentic Japanese Armor



Price: $23,498.00

Why pay off your house or other debts, when you could be a tacky fuck and put this in your living room? Probably right below the wall-hanging that depicts your favorite NASCAR driver, and right across from the Glamour Shots of your wife. This thing will really tie the whole room together. If you click on the picture, you'll be taken to where you can buy it. The seller states that the armor is made to fit an average sized Japanese man, but that custom orders are available.

Beat up your #58 Jimmy Johnson fan neighbor in THIS. Go all Samurai on his motherfucking ass. I bet that son of a bitch takes that flag BACK in the house, right before the cops come to arrest the best work-related joke they'll have for the YEAR

.8. John Deere GOLD Plow City Tractor Set

Price: $1,750.00

Since you're going all out on the armor, why not throw down a little more. These GOLD John Deere toys are not only NOT actually gold, despite their awe-inspiring appearance, they do NOT actually cue a chorus of angels when you open the box.

9. Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon

Price: $1,495.00

I put this in the men's section on purpose. Group man sex is the only way I can possibly justify the necessity of this much lube at one time. This has to be an environmental hazard and dangerous to transport.