The Revolution May Not Be Televised, But We Can Damn Sure See You Fuckers Running This Shutdown

I'll have my rant on this. For now, enjoy Aloe Blacc's "Politician"

HEY BOEHNER! FUCKING SUCK IT.


The Feminine Context

Three Of The BEST (so far) "Blurred Lines" Parody Videos

I won't even dignify this dudebro-anthem with a link to the original song. If you somehow haven't heard it or seen the obnoxious video for Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines", well.. fuck, you might have lucked out. While watching the following, just know that it went a LOT like these, only these videos are a lot more honest about what's going on in this highly criticized "date rape is okay" dance track.

Lemme tell ya, people... there are a shitload of DAMN GOOD parodies on this song. It's actually kind of hard to choose.

I would be remiss if I didn't place the sparkling gem "Defined Lines" by the FUCKING FANTASTIC "Law Revue". I am following their tweets and you should visit them @LawRevueGirls and do the same. Thank you, Law Revue. You are amazing, talented, and RIGHT ON TRACK.



I simply had to throw this one out by the fabulous Bart Baker, a true master of pop video parodies. PLEASE go visit him and give that guy a thumbs up. Thank you, Bart.. thank you for the #hashtagpolice, alone, let alone the goat!



Love this beauty from the brilliantly clever stand-up comedienne Melinda Hughes with the tremendously appropriate title of "Lame Lines" or "Douchebag" (as the chorus would suggest), which shows up as AND rhymes with "Hashtag" (kind of).

Speaking of which, Robin Thicke should be internationally barred from ever using hashtags again, in any context, ever. For all of time.

Ms. Hughes can also be found on the ol' Twitterverse @MelindaHug and has her own website HERE.

  The Feminine Context

Craigslist of Ridiculous Demands: Men Seeking Women for Godawful Reasons

If ever you are single and feeling down about it, all you need to do is pop over to Craigslist and take a good long look at who's looking for YOU..

Fo' real, bitches. Ten minutes into just scanning over a few posts in "Men Seeking Women" and I was seriously trying to figure out the logistics of getting my vagina stitched shut.

Let's look at some real winners from the Dallas area...

From the ad:

"First of all I'm in the Phoenix area, so if you are what I'm looking for, you'll also have to be willing to move here. It's a nice place actually and great weather. I'm SWM, mid 40s, professional, handsome, successful, 5'11" 185lb, non smoker, light drinker. I own a very nice home (though it could use a woman's touch) and have all kinds of fun toys. My interests include Harleys, Corvettes, Dirt Bikes, Motor Sports, Photography, Guns, Shooting, Home improvement and do it yourself projects. I'm upbeat and like to enjoy my free time as much as possible."

Translation: I GOTS MONIES. YEAH. THAT'LL GET EM.

To elaborate on that point, the man kindly leaves us another picture:

"You'll need to like weekend trips to Vegas or the California coast. I'm Looking for a girlfriend and possibly future wife 18-35 with a figure, no kids and also a lady who might enjoy (or would like to) model for hot high heel, mini skirt theme photos and video. Photography is a huge interest of mine and I'd like to find a partner who enjoys modeling and is very photogenic. Do you like to play dress up and pose for photos or perform for the video camera? Is this something you've fantasized about? Would like to find a husband who encourages your exhibionist tendencies? You are my type if you do. I'll spoil MY girl rotten, hair styling, manicures, pedicures, heels, hot outfits, etc. Yes, everything it takes to make YOU my hot little Model and beautiful girlfriend or wife. Send a pic with reply. You may be just the girl I've been looking for : ) "

Translation: I AM TOTALLY WILLING TO PAY FOR ALL THE SHIT THAT MAKES YOU LOOK AS PLASTIC AS POSSIBLE. THAT IS PRETTY MUCH ALL I AM LOOKING FOR SINCE I HAVEN'T SUGGESTED A SINGLE PERSONALITY TRAIT THAT I AM ALSO LOOKING TO FIND.

"Want huge implants as in DDD to G??? Major bonus points if you do because that's the look I want my woman to have. Yes, you need to want to be a huge boobs hottie!"

There better be a health plan involved, because some bitch is going to undergo early spinal failure trying to hold them things up. Oh, gentleman.. do you also plan on providing steel-reinforced breast scaffolds? Cause anyone with a waist as tiny as you seem to require is going to need some additional support keeping those boobs upright.

OH! and here's another..this guy's looking for a "country gal" who's all about breaking every cardinal rule of meeting someone over the internet..

"Ok so this the deal I am white male 34 years old and I am going on vacation the week of thanksgiving to my parents cabin. Were going to cookout hunt drink beer drink wiskey what ever the night unfolds. So im looking for a country girl that would enjoy this sort of thing this event can be platonic or romantic all depends on are vibe I guess. There are seperate beds and all that so dont have to worry about sleeping together if thats something your worried about. Really just want the company and too have a good time. So taking applicants lol send me email some info on yourself and some pics. Yee Yee!!!!! (Ps some of the pics are from when we have been working on it as we speak so its work in progress lol)..."

Oh, sure.. why not? I'll just pack up mah country bumpkin ass, get in your truck (which I assume you have), and just hit the road on a major family holiday out to your cabin! Yee...

wha?

Oh yeah, there's this picture that opens up the ad..

Three hours outside of town in a half-built cabin with someone I've never met? Yeah, I think I'll pass, buddy... that's a damn Lifetime thriller waiting to happen.

So having been completely creeped out by what Dallas had to offer today, I checked out Knoxville, TN

Then I found this:

Really, the creepiness of this speaks for itself. Even the babies look freaked out..

"Hi, are there any women on here who are at their point in life where they have not found the right person to have a family with, but time is running out for whatever reason and would like to make one now. Not in the next couple of years but rather sooner than later? I am an Asian man in the same boat and looking for someone to make a family or child together. I am not here to play games or beat around the bush. I dont care what race you are or maybe you have a kid already but must be open to having more. Please put "BABY" in the title so I know you are real and not a bot or spam. But more importantly tell me about you and send me some photos of you also, would like to see who I am talking to."

Love how seeing a photo of his breeding stock is a mere footnote to the whole post about impregnating her.. *shudder*

LOVE this one... real dream of a guy...

"Hello and no im not looking just for sex !

If you do drugs please do Not waste my time.

Why do u email me thin never email me back after I reply,,U women are so unpredictable .you all must like playing games!!"

Us women, we're such unpredictable, game-playing sillies! I bet I can predict how many dates you get when you heap the responsibility of all of your bad dating experiences on US! Could it possibly be that your poor grasp of the English language, paired with your excessive, aggressive, desperation-infused use of exclamation points is scaring the ladies away? Oh wait.. he goes on..

"Why is it so hard to find someone these days I will never no,,I dont understand what women want these days.please no judgemental women,,be nice"

You girls will never "no". Le sigh...

Put(t)in Out! Pro-LGBT, Anti-Putin Video Is Fucking Awesome

Enjoy the most colorful images you've ever seen of everyone's favorite Russian closet-case!

Yes! Without a doubt!
I think Putin would like to be puttin out!

hahaha

CLICK HERE for a direct link to "PUT(T)IN OUT"

Sarcasm FTW! "Rape Prevention" PSA Kicks Serious Ass

TFC heartily approves this message, brought to you byAll India Bakchod kicks rape culture norms in the ass and out in the open for all to see. Good work, y'all!

Direct link here: "It's Your Fault"
The Feminine Context

I'm BACK, bitches!

Bitchitudinousness reigns again!

Well, hopefully.. I do kinda have some shit to do around here

BUT!

I'm going to try and do better about ranting my ass off on a more regular basis. I find it therapeutic.

What have I been doing with myself, you might ask (or might not.. its been FOR-FUCKING-EVER since I wrote here).. well..

-Moving
-Raising the mini-shebeast
-Being pissed off at Google AdSense which has banned me for life over a stupid misclick which they said was me trying to inflate my own ad revenue.
-Founding, forming, and whipping an MMORPG clan together
-Becoming a more righteously indignant feminist, every fucking day.

Expect more activity here.

Silence is just not on my vagenda anymore.

The Feminine Context

Sexual, Female, AND Human? Why Sasha Gray Can't Catch A Break

11/11/2011
From HuffingtonPost:

"How would you feel if an adult film star read to your seven year old child? Believe it or not, some parents in California are pretty angry that it happened in their kids' classroom.
Porn legend Sasha Grey was a guest reader at Emerson Elementary School in Compton, California earlier this month, joining first and third grade students in their Read Across America day. Grey certainly enjoyed the experience, tweeting, "Spent the am with Read Across America Compton, reading to the sweetest 1st & 3rd grade students @ Emerson Elementary!"
The problem, TMZ reports, is that parents aren't happy -- and that school officials, instead of addressing the issue, are claiming it never happened. Of course, it'd be silly for Grey to tweet about it if it hadn't happened, and more importantly, TMZ has a photo of the event (as they always seem to do)."

Ms. Gray gave a statement to TMZ regarding her participation in the Read Across America child literacy program, in which she writes:


"Read Across America" is a program that was designed to promote literacy and instill a lifelong love of reading in elementary school students. Promoting education is an effort that is close to my heart. Illiteracy contributes to poverty; encouraging children to pick up a book is fundamental.
 I believe education is a universal right. I committed to this program with the understanding that people would have their own opinions about what I have done, who I am and what I represent.
 I am an actor. I am an artist. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a partner. I have a past that some people may not agree with, but it does not define who I am. 
I will not live in fear of it. To challenge non-profit education programs is an exercise in futility, counter-productive and anti-educational. 
I cannot thank my fans and 'Read Across America' enough for supporting my decision. Your support and kind words continue to inspire me. I believe in the future of our children, and I will remain an active supporter and participant in education-focused initiatives."


Good for you, Sasha Gray. What a great thing for you to do for a group of kids that certainly enjoyed your reading to them. If only most kids' parents would take that kind of time and read to their children.

I don't have a damn thing against porn, and neither should you. I'm not talking about illegal activities involving non-consenting individuals. No one's backing that up. I'm talking about good ol' American (Japanese? Russian? German? Whatever floats your boat) porn, that almost everyone has looked at at some point or another, if not several times a week... or day.. or in an alternate window while you're reading this very post.

Both hands on the keyboard, buddy. I'm trying to tell you something, here.

Okay. Fine. Finish and come back after you've washed your hands.

Regarding porn..

For starters, you probably watch it. Statistical data is hard to count on because one group or another is constantly tweaking numbers up or down to try and make a point, but let's just say that the majority of reports about adult pornography use on the internet indicate that a whole fuck of a lot of everyone is watching, viewing, or reading some porn at any given time of the day or night. If one were to try and draw some sort of "average score" out of these extremely varied reports on internet pornography usage, it probably boils down to somewhere around 52% of men and 50% of women who at least admitted to it. Obviously, these numbers don't even begin to account for people who look at it and don't want to tell anyone, or who look at "specialty" porn designed to satisfy fetishes that are based on objects or ideas that most people would never identify with the term "sexy". Many people are sexually excited by the damndest, and quite frankly, most harmless things. I for one don't think I have any business whatsoever getting my panties in a wad over whether someone is attracted or excited by things like stuffed animals, trees, or bugs. I am  in no way required to participate in anyone else's turn-on, if asked, I can say no.. so how is it any of my concern if my neighbor gets a semi because he thinks the myrtle tree in my yard is hot as hell. Good for him. At least someone is noticing my tree and NOT how long it's been since I cut the grass beneath it. What do I care? If everyone is obeying the law, then he's in his house getting his jollies from that myrtle and its sexy, bark-free body, and he's not on my lawn humping it. Everyone's happy.

If you insist that you don't partake of the massive erotic pornucopia online, well what the hell ever, okay? I'm just going to be nice about it and nod, but don't push it. Porn use is so prevalent among adults that as much as you want to get a bee in your butt (fetish?) about it, probably half of your knitting club does things with their needles that would make you not only cross your legs but strap them together with leather belts. Problem being, this might only turn them on MORE. The real point is that there's NO point getting upset about it. Porn is everywhere and it's been here since our ancestors figured out they could use Saber-Toothed Cat poo like crayons on their cave walls, and that an extra stick limb on a stick figure could represent a penis.



Pornography is no longer the sad business of taking starry-eyed would be actresses and making depraved whores out of them, if it ever really was. Adult film stars see themselves as just that, "stars", not victims or objects of pity. Adult entertainment is big freaking business, and as such, working standards have improved if for no other reason than to keep everyone's asses covered on a legal front. The porn industry creates jobs, and is well-recognized as the primary driving force behind many of the technological developments that have come to benefit both businesses and consumers alike. Internet technology like credit-card processing and verification, website membership security, encryption, video technology, and file-optimization have all been developed more rapidly, competitively, and economically as a means to buy and sell adult content online.

There are a few other things that can be said, specifically about people who actually work in front of the cameras in the adult entertainment industry. The one thing that pornography professionals have done differently than most of us is that they've demonstrated that they've got 'nads enough to work in an industry that, although considered taboo, is actually STILL THRIVING in our otherwise depressed economy. I believe it's also worth mentioning that adult film actresses and models are working in a field that, by the efforts and intentions of society's effort to promote women's sexual liberty, they really ought to be given a bit more respect for. I don't mean that we should be placing banners up everywhere we go, featuring this week's DVDA princess, but considering how many people are actually watching all of this porn, how is it fair to act like these people are doing something subversive and terrible?

Why is it that when sexual acts are filmed, we talk about the individuals engaged in that act as though they should be ashamed of it? How is it any different than what the majority of single adults get drunk and do any given weekend, other than that the adult film industry is more likely to enforce the use of condoms and STD/STI testing before adults engage in sexual intercourse? Sometimes, in an effort to promote feminism, porn actresses will be discussed as though they are brainwashed, patriarchy-indoctrinated "victims" which in itself is degrading, not uplifting, to these women. How is it that violent, gory crime dramas are winning awards, but the act of two (or more?) adults doing something together that makes them feel freaking AWESOME is considered a cause of detriment to society? Sasha Gray, for example, is a beautiful young woman who has recently published a book (adult in nature, but intellectual and artistic) and is proud of her work, as she has every right to be. How is it anyone's place to tell her she shouldn't be? She's achieved a great deal of success in her former career, and is currently expanding into new territory. How is it fair that we shower women like Kim Kardashian with press, attention, and fan-worship for doing, well.. nothing without her mom's direction and her dad's money, yet we take the first opportunity we can to piss on an adult film actress who took an opportunity to do something nice and READ to little kids?

There are certainly many varieties of adult entertainment that are presented with elements of violence, and these cater to specific fetishes. Maybe it's true that much of available pornographic material promotes illusory, airbrushed, unrealistic images of women and men. It's part of the fantasy, and anyone who's had sex more than twice can easily understand that fantasy and reality are two very different things. Any information, be it text or image, that is adult in nature can be confusing to children.. this is very true. The rest of the world is not supposed to raise your children or moderate its existence in case your children see. As a parent, it's your job to explain aspects of life to your kids, often as they come up.

It's also a matter of picking your battles at an age-appropriate time for your own child.

In the case of Sasha Gray, there's no reason that any child she read to needs to know anything about her past, and should it come up, a simple "she made movies that are only for adults" would suffice for a child within that age-range. Making a big huge fucking deal out of it is only going to make the situation utterly fascinating to a child, who will then explore the issue that they thought NOTHING about before it garnered such a reaction out of their parents.

The real "problem" is that Sasha Gray doesn't feel bad about herself, her choices, or what she's done. If she seemed ashamed of her sexuality, or a victim of the porn industry, it might make it easier for people to accept her. When pressed to discuss a hypothetical situation that would be completely identical to hers, a lot of people would disagree with condemning her for reading to those children. Our society, with its seemingly indelible stain of puritanism, still has quite a lot to learn. Maybe even from a porn star.

The Feminine Context

By Request Of Readers - The Feminine Context for Kindle!

Yes, I was asked to do this. I figure, what the hell? Might reach some pissy broads like myself who are extra pissy because they're short on time to access the internet.

Enjoy, Kindlers!

The Feminine Context

Parents Generation v. Current Generation

Borrowed from the FABULOUS TequilaxMockingbird, the "Will" to my "Grace", who got it from God knows where.. hilarious in how tragically accurate it is..

The Feminine Context

God Save The Teens: An Intervention

This is an actual Facebook-comment conversation I had with my niece the other night. It is at times like this that I'm grateful for the long, lonely, isolated adolescence I experienced as a home-schooled student. At least I never had the opportunity to pick up dumbass habits like this.

Names and identifying information removed. Kids, if no one's slapped you for abusing the English language like this, please do what's right and slap the holy shit out of YOURSELF.

The Feminine Context

More Questionable And Hilarious Products As Reviewed By TFC

For the most part, I really don't like to go shopping. To hell with crowds and overhead lighting. Most of my problem with shopping is that paying a store's label price really eats away at some portion of my penny-pinching, price-comparing soul. Besides, shopping offline limits one to a PG-rated experience, bland and devoid of the rich (and often ridiculous) wide-open internet marketplace. Only that kind of "free market" could allow for products like this..

The Baggy Winecoat

It's Sex and the City, bitches! Now, available everywhere you can take a purse and a morally-casual attitude towards your increasing alcohol dependency, which would be.. well, everywhere with THIS handy and stylish bag. We all know that closet alcoholism is coming back in style (also mirrored here at OpenSalon), especially among the suburban soccer mom set. Go all Martha Stewart on this swag by taking the label off one of your fancy purses and affixing it to this lovely wine-in-a-box tote, adding class and sophistication to your new wine-swilling accessory! For extra points, make sure the purse that you rip the label off of is one of those that costs the equivalent of the average American's monthly housing payment. If it's not EXCESS, it's not SUCCESS! Sure, one of those heifers from the PTA is bound to point out that it's not Prada, but after a refill or two into those seemingly innocuous Dixie-cups, she won't give a damn anymore and neither will you.

PS: Some of my gay male and drag queen friends are looking at this item right now thinking "OMG, this is WONDERFUL" and despite my heavily-laden sarcasm, are ordering one right this very minute. One in particular has probably got three or four variations of something like this bag AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, MISTER. For you, I've found something entirely more fabulous. See below.

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Arm-Shapers

Okay, so everyone has a few baggy places they'd like to tighten up, after all.. everyone has this idea that they want to be lean and slim and .. what the holy hell ?

Padded Butt Enhancing Panties

... and the winner for best product to ensure lifelong emotional scarring when found in mom's laundry.. ASS-PILLOW PANTIES! Remember all of those helpful, hurtful, degrading dieting and fitness tips, ladies? The ones mom shared out of maternal concern, sharp and cutting, letting you know that the source of life's happiness is found only in the reduction of your derriere? ALL LIES!!! LIES, I TELL YOU! The old broad was coveting your bountifulness the entire time!!! She was trying to bring you down! Down to her assless level! Apparently, curves actually ARE where it's at! Unless you have them in the wrong places, I suppose. Too much curvature in those places requires management and a barrier method, such as..

SmoothGrooves

You know how you avoid unwanted toe? It's not in buying a prosthetic "Barbie Crotch" (as xojane.com so lovingly put it). It's really simple. Quit trying to shove your size 16 ass into those size 6 pants. Remember, your bubble-butt is obviously a desirable physical characteristic if there are actually "shapewear" products ugly as sin that are designed to try and mimic it. I'd say to embrace your big ass, except people's spines don't actually twist in such a way that its physiologically possible. It occurs to me, that the combined effort of all of this "shapewear" (arm shapers, butt/hip pads, and vulva-flattening devices of your choice) could easily result in a new female form that looks something like this:

Sexy, huh?



There are plenty of unnatural and disturbing ways to alter your body, and some of them are pretty interesting..

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Betty Beauty Pubic Hair Dye

Jesus H. Christ... Rome is burning and we're worried about how well the carpet matches the drapes?



The best part is the actual product description:

Betty products are specially formulated to color the hair down there.
(I suppose this is the "consumer-friendly" way of telling you that it won't burn your pubes off)

Natural looking.
(Note: This is the product description for a bottle of ULTRA-VIOLET colored pubic hair dye)

Covers gray.
(Just about as well as those other purple and blue shades that Gramma uses on her HEAD)

Lasts about four-five weeks.
(Which is about four to four and a half weeks longer than it takes for the average person to come off of a bender and wonder what the fuck possessed them to dye their pubes freakin' purple)

No drip - no mess formula.
(God, if only vaginas came with that sort of user assurance..)

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Now, for something completely harmless and adorable.. take a look at THIS cute little guy!

Aww!!!!! So sweet and cuddly, but.. um.. what IS it? Kinda looks like a little gray soccer ball..

But it's not. It's a stuffed toy made in the likeness of a molecular view of HPV. It comes with a tag that bears an actual molecular image of the virus, and a brief description. It's marketed as an educational toy. The one below is a plush-toy representation of chlamydia.

Who knew chlamydia had such cute little buggy eyes?? Immediately following Chlamydia is HIV, a serious looking little microbe who's donning a sporty and socially-conscious red awareness ribbon.



I know I'm a sick bitch and all, but somehow I kind of like the plushie microbes. Huzzah for internet shopping and the assurance that I don't have to stand in line at a register while people judge me by my bizarre purchases. haha.

The Feminine Context

REM wakes up to support The Occupation

Awesomeness!

This is an older REM song, but the members of REM (which has been broken up) have endorsed the Occupy movement and offer their song, going so far as to release a "sing-along" video so people can learn the lyrics, as well as offering printable handouts of those lyrics on their site. Sounds like a great protest chant to me.




Lyrics are as follows:

Throw your collar up inside
Hang your dollar on me
Listen to the water still
Listen to the causeway

Mad and educated
Primitive and wild
Welcome to the occupation

Here we stand and here we fight
All your fallen heroes
Held and dyed and skinned alive
Listen to the Congress fire

Offering the educated
Primitive and loyal
Welcome to the occupation

Hang your collar up inside
Hang your freedom higher
Listen to the buyer still
Listen to the Congress

Where we propagate confusion
Primitive and wild
The fire on the hemisphere below

Sugarcane and coffee cup
Copper, steel, and cattle
An annotated history
The forest for the fire

Where we open up the floodgates
Freedom reigns supreme
Fire on the hemisphere below
Listen to me

Will the people with the Streisand fetish please step forward?

Sorry. I'm about to out you, you sick bastards.

I happened to take a gander at my blog's stats this morning, and now I'm sitting here laughing my ass off at what sort of traffic I've managed to attract.

In case you're not aware of what information you can review for web traffic statistics, it breaks down to referring sites, URLs from those sites, and what keywords were entered into a search engine that eventually led visitors to your site.

Care to guess what search phrase has been drawing a surprising number of people here?

"streisand ass"

No, I'm completely fucking serious.

People are entering "streisand ass" into Google, and coming up with a link to this blog.

STREISAND ASS? WTF you guys?

If I laugh any harder, I'm going to need new pants.

I would imagine that those two keywords (entered together as "streisand ass") are pulling up the link to this post about the Kardashians, how fake they are, and how different people look with the right makeup. I happened to pull up a few celebrity photos in which said celebrities were not wearing makeup, and one of them happened to be Barbara Streisand. I'm morally certain without even looking that I wrote the word "ass" in at least four or five places.. hell, it was a fairly long post, after all. I've been known to toss some asses about, you know.

Let the record state that I never said anything about Barbara Streisand's ass in particular.

You people and your sick fucking fetishes. HAHAHA. I love you. I love you, you nasty Streisand ass worshipping freaks. Keep coming back, I'll find something else to tickle you with, I'm sure.

The 6 Worst Types Of Facebook Friends

For your amusement, six types of Facebook posters that are probably ruining your friends feed as we speak...


The Incessant Emo (IE)

Everyone has at least one or more of these among their friends. They never have anything pleasant to say. Now, it's not a requirement for me that my Facebook buddies fart rainbows and shit sunshine all day, every day. People normally have good days and bad days. That's fine. The Incessant Emo ONLY has bad days, and has an arsenal of depressing, maudlin, sullen comments to bomb your friends feed with, effectively commemorating every sad moment in their miserable existence. Does this look familiar to you?

Whiny McSadPants: you’re nothing more than my favorite scar - 6 hours ago

Whiny McSadPants: i’m just going to let my silence speak for itself and hope you hear it - 5 hours ago

Whiny McSadPants: i know when im being ignored. - 4 hours ago

Whiny McSadPants: omg i soooo don't need this. work can suck my balls. im calling in again - 3 hours ago

Whiny McSadPants: i need a new job. apparently my old one doesn't recognize depression as an illness. - 2 hours ago

This asshole can't write his way out of an old paper bag with a machete-tipped pen, but I can guarantee you that he's got a journal of "deep thoughts" hidden away somewhere. Probably under his bed, which is, by his own admission(s), is the loneliest place on Isolation Street. If it's not that his girlfriend left him, its that he had to work and missed the midnight showing of "Twilight" and that's how chronically unfair life is to him. When the Incessant Emo ISN'T just whining at random, he has other bad social networking habits with which he will annoy you. Typical IE behaviors include:

- Posting "ironic" graphics. These are often blurry and/or black and white images of people with bad haircuts/piercing choices, looking angry, cold, hungry, sad, or maybe about to hurt themselves with sharp objects. Sometimes it's just a high-def black and white photo OF an object people are known to self-injure with (usually razor blades, but maybe pills or alcohol). The pictures usually have some short text emblazoned upon them, often mispelled, making what was supposed to be an edgy, dark statement into this afternoon's source of point-and-laugh hilarity.

- Posts that are intended to sound like a threat of self-injury or suicide. This are surefire attention-grabbers for people who haven't learned that it's better for everyone to IGNORE them. If you're actually concerned, it's better to send a private message in reply, than to open the big can of pity worms that's ready spring at the press of a "reply" button.

- Posts that link to music videos by bands you've barely heard of. Most of them sound exactly alike.
Not only does he pollute your friends list with his melodramatic outcries for attention, he has a tendency to hijack other people's POSITIVE news with his trademark patheticisms. Sure, when your baby was born he said "congrats", but then immediately updated his own status to something about being alone and how awful the world is.

If they're not "lifestyle emo", then there may be hope that this person will get the fuck over it in a few weeks/months. Otherwise, you're better off deleting some of the unyeilding negativity that's going to continue to flood your Facebook feed for all of eternity, or at least until their mom stops paying for their internet access.

The Edgy Activist (EA)

Your typical EA is either a college student, an adult (often male) over 40, or a stay-at-home mom. These are the people you friend on Facebook because you know them from "around" and a few posted infographics later, you can't help but regret your attempt to be sociable. EAs on my friends list have posted some of the dumbest, most short-sighted, and OFFENSIVE statements I have ever heard, and for me, that's saying something. I've had the entire goddamn internet at my disposal since I was seventeen years old.

I'm one of those crazy liberals, so most of that kind of propaganda doesn't bother or offend me. If anything, I find posts that are in support of gay marriage and women's reproductive rights to be enlightening or amusing, depending on how they are presented. That's not just because I'm a liberal, though. Most of THOSE posts are fairly positive and humorous in nature, trying to make light of a controversial situation.

What I just cannot force myself to get behind are the downright offensive statements that I see circulating about conservative opinions. Sometimes, I don't understand how I got to be friends with people who will post outright intolerance. I'm sure my conservative friends feel the same way about me, and I'm also sure that everyone ends up acting like a EA over some issue or another. The trick is to keep it to a limit. If that's ALL you end up posting about, you're gonna end up getting blocked.

The Mommy Monster (MM)

I'm guilty of being an MM, and most women who've had a baby have gone a bit MM at first. When you HAVE a baby, that baby becomes your whole entire world for a while. It's NORMAL, and it's part of being a good mom. I actually have to wonder about you if your Facebook posts are NOT baby-centered after just having one, it's only natural after going through pregnancy and delivering that baby for a person to want to SHOW that baby and talk about it all the time. I mean, damn, there's NOTHING that most women are more proud of than the beautiful, tiny little human who's so perfect.. aww!!!

That being said, there's a point where you need to calm down a bit.

It's not really the excited mother's posts about her own baby, its the ones about everyone ELSE'S babies. Nothing is worse than the mother who's discovered that her mothering-style is working SO WELL for her new little family, that she now believes its the only way to parent any child, anywhere. In fact, she's so convinced that she knows the way, she has no problem telling all the OTHER parents how to do their jobs better. It's not always a direct order, sometimes she tries the blatantly obvious passive-aggressive route. The MM will wait til another mom posts about her child's allergies, and then make a post about how she's SO glad the SHE chose breastfeeding because it helps to prevent allergies in the future. It's not that the MM's post is incorrect, breastfeeding DOES help prevent allergies and it is the best choice for babies. It's that this particular pro-breastfeeding post came POINTEDLY no less than 45 seconds AFTER the other mother shared her child's allergy story. It's a direct "this is why I'm a BETTER MOMMY THAN YOU" post, and it's a bitch move.

Come on, ladies. Let's try to be good mommies by setting a good example about being supportive and not COMPETITIVE with our friends. You kinda lose some "AWESOME MOM" points if you attempted to boost them by being a BITCH.

The Overgrown Adolescent (OA)

I can make an educated guess here that maybe 70-85% of your friends feed is littered with posts from these bastards, at any given time of the day. You've probably just come home from your job, where you busted your ass for eight hours or more trying to make enough to pay at least a few of your bills, and you open Facebook to see some horseshit like this:

Overgrown Adolescent: OMG. OMG. OMG. Me and Dumbass ClothesWhore need to go shopping!!!! - 6 hours ago

Dumbass ClothesWhore: We need to get tans first! did u see my sisters white-ass legs?? - 6 hours ago

Overgrown Adolescent: ikr?? shes in college and has her own place and a job. like, wtf can't she get a freakin spray-on or something? - 5 hours ago

Dumbass ClothesWhore: don't worry about it. she is like, the death of fun. shes in some boring ass science major so shes probably like, the only woman around. i guess she doesn't have to try around those geeks. - 5 hours ago

Overgrown Adolescent: i can't wait to get to the mall!! my dads all on my ass about getting a job and i told him that i cant afford to get my car fixed. u pick me up right? - 4 hours ago

Dumbass ClothesWhore: o ya.. i got my moms. my sister got it fixed! :DDDDD - 4 hours ago

Overgrown Adolescent: yay!!!!! now we can have our 27th b-day parties together at La Cantina! TEQUILA! - 3 hours ago

You see where this is going, don't you? There you are, tired as hell, with real issues of your own to deal with. You look on your Facebook to see how your mom is doing, or check in on a friend who's been having a rough time with her sick husband, and here is a whole conversation between two worthless bitches about wasting money and other people's time on STUPID BULLSHIT. It's one thing to live at home with reduced responsibility because you're in a jam. It's a whole other level of childishness to live at home and waste what money you can get together pretending that you're one of the fucking Kardashians. Worse still, making a point of putting down people who ARE working to handle REAL problems just lets everyone know that you're a walking waste of your parents time. It's better to cut these people off your list before you end up bashing your own head into your monitor in rage.

The Bitter Divorcee' (BD)

Well, no one can jump on this person's ass too hard. Most likely, their ex has probably done a hell of a job already.

Let's just be honest, this person is just like a terrible car wreck you pass on your way to work. It's awful, and it's scary, and it's upsetting to see, but still.. you can't turn away and not look at it. Watching a breakup occurring between two parties on Facebook is even worse. You may give yourself an internal talking-to about how you shouldn't pay it so much attention, and how awful it must be for both of them. No matter how much you hate yourself for it, you can't ignore it. This is the entire basis for reality television. People are nosy and are compelled to observe tragedy, and personal tragedy is even MORE compelling because its something people are usually trying to cover up.

After someone loses a lover, by any means, its like a limb has been ripped off. Except, they feel socially compelled to pretend it was never anything that they needed (like a limb), and to keep walking along (minus that limb they've become accustomed to) like everything is not only OKAY, but BETTER without it. It's a long process to get over that kind of emotional amputation, and during that process, your friends are going to see the pain no matter how hard you try and hide it. If anything, its worse when you do try to pretend that you're "fine". It's a seeping wound that's going to take a long time to heal, and there's nothing you can do but wait it out.

Why is WHY you shouldn't share posts about how much you're hurting with anyone but people that you can TRUST to handle it. Otherwise, you're running the risk of a flame war started by someone who doesn't know or care enough about you to be sensitive to your condition. Then your friends are going to have to get involved and back you up. More ugliness in the world develops out of breakups than anywhere else, and Facebook is like a petri dish for cultivating interpersonal problems.

The E-Culture Ignoramus (ECI)

I almost titled this one "The Geriatric", which isn't actually fair. I know quite a few geriatric people who are way more technologically advanced than some younger Facebook users. It's true that most ECI's are older, often someone's parents or grandparents, and aren't so much annoying, as they are totally and unintentionally fucking hilarious.

ECIs are mostly new to the internet, or will appear that way forever, coming from a background that doesn't value sarcasm as highly as the majority of internet users seem to. If they did, they would think about what dirty jokes or double-entendres or culture references could be drawn from the words they post, before they post them. If they were even slightly near the edge of average internet humor, they would at least understand the replies they're getting on the seemingly innocuous post they left on Facebook. This does NOT just occur on Facebook, but it's one of the many places it does show up. Here's a good example..


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.............. and the entire internet snickers with glee.
How about this one?

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I heard another story from a friend who's mom thought "LOL" meant "Lots of love". This resulted in her sending him a text message one day that read "Gramma died lol"
Of course, as bad as this might sound, nothing is worse than parents who actually do know how to post, but don't really have any sense of "netiquitte". Or plain don't give a fuck about it....


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It's always funny til it's YOUR mom...

In case you haven't heard of her.. Jenna Marbles, everyone!

Jenna Marbles, sharing some thoughts that I happen to agree with, put in a way that only Jenna Marbles can..

Jenna details her view of what I often call the Barbie/Ken Complex.



'Don't sit around and fucking complain to the rest of us (girls) how no one wants to buy you fucking shoes and clothes, and give you a free ride for life because you have tits and a vagina, unless you want to be TREATED like a PAIR OF TITS AND A VAGINA" - Jenna Marbles.

Please see her YouTube Channel, and Her Blog.

you can also follow her on Twitter. I know I do, cause the bitch is crazy and I love her.

9 Ridiculously Expensive (And Tasteless) Items That No One Needs

Okay, fine. I'm doing something "list-style" that the Internet apparently just LOVES. I feel dirty and ashamed for purposefully being "trendy".

.. but not nearly as ashamed as I would be if you caught me in possession of any of these things.

See, it's not that I don't like having some nice things, nor do I begrudge others the joy of having nice things. My problem is with gratuitous demonstrations of wealth. No one needs a hat that's worth more than what some people make (and live on) in a year.

Like this one..

1. Darna "Lady Josephine" Black Hat



Price: $16,900.90

What the fucking fuck!!!????

I'm really feeling a little sick just looking at this. That's enough to buy a car or put a down payment on a house. That's enough money to take some people out of debt, get a decent used car, and put down a moderate amount on a house. This is a goddamn HAT made out of felt and ribbon that is worth more than your average full-time retail worker makes in a year before taxes.

Bitch, you better hope you're buried in this thing, and that you prepaid for your funeral.

2. Camel Loro Piana 100% Cashmere Coat with Russian Golden Sable



Price: $12,532.50

I bet it goes great with an ass-ugly black hat that costs more than the dead pomeranians used to make your coat! Gives you that whole "Sloppy Entitled Heiress" look. It's not even that these things are so expensive, which is really enough, but most of this stuff is so lacking in taste and style that I wouldn't touch it if it were on a clearance rack at JC Penneys.
In all seriousness, there better be some sort of microprocessor embedded in that hat that makes you qualified to LEAD MENSA, and there had better be some midgets sewn into the pockets of that coat who are cunning linguists, indeed. Fucking almost twenty grand for some tacky outerwear...

3. Velda Lauder Pewter Taffeta Deep Plunge Swarovski Corset



Price: $1,141.00

Now THIS, I think is awesome enough, but that's me. I got a thing for corsets. Have a freakin' baby and you'll have a thing for corsets, too. Do I think it's over a grand worth of awesome? No. This is an outfit for looking like a whore. There's nothing inherently wrong with that if it's

A: Your job to look like a whore (as in, you are one, or you are an exotic dancer/model)

or

B: It's an "every now and then" thing.

In either case, it's a lot of money on sparklies for something that's rather unlikely to EVER be seen in sunlight.

4. Hand Crocheted Red Metallic Snood Trimmed w/ Beads


Price: $4,999.00

Just in case the hat was a little flashy or pricey for you. Nothing says sexy like a snood that could have paid for someone's laser eye surgery.. WHO THE FUCK WEARS A SNOOD? Better question, who would spend five grand on a snood instead of like, bills, or spaying/neutering 500 dogs. SOMETHING. What excitement do you get out of a snood, when you could spend THOUSANDS less and get..

5. LELO Yva Vibrator

Price: $1,500.00

Girls, the natural order of things has somehow gone horribly, horribly awry.

No one who possesses a pussy should be subject to a credit check to pay for something to go in it. If anything, it's supposed to work in the opposite way. Yes, I said it. We all know it's true. Let it go.

I can justify even up to $100 on am exceptionally good vibrator, though I have to admit that the best and longest lasting vibe I've ever owned was a cheap-ass plastic one that my friend got me ALMOST TEN YEARS AGO from Spencers, and it still runs like a top today.

You could look at it a different way, as though you think so highly of your snatch that you simply must have sensual massagers plated with 14-karat gold OR NOTHING AT ALL.

In which case, you might as well close down shop, because no one will ever think as highly of your twat as you do.

Now, onto the items that only one dumbassed man would buy..

6. Nocturnal Penile Tumescence Monitor For Erectile Dysfunction Test


Price: $4,325.00

I have said it before, and it's true. You guys worry way too much about your dicks. All I did to get that last text link was search Google for "penis size, length, and function", and I got about 15,300,000 results.  The embarrassingly expensive device that I have shown here has two pads that you stick to your dick and (from as much as I can tell) sleep with, so you no longer have to stay up at night worrying about whether your dick is eroding or whatever it is that you're afraid they'll do. This thing records dick activity overnight and records the data so that you can pore over whether its normal or not in the morning.

So just in case NOTHING AT ALL was wrong with your penis, you can worry yourself straight into ED. Why wait til age and failing health slow your roll? Start undermining your ability to obtain and maintain an erection today!

7. Authentic Japanese Armor



Price: $23,498.00

Why pay off your house or other debts, when you could be a tacky fuck and put this in your living room? Probably right below the wall-hanging that depicts your favorite NASCAR driver, and right across from the Glamour Shots of your wife. This thing will really tie the whole room together. If you click on the picture, you'll be taken to where you can buy it. The seller states that the armor is made to fit an average sized Japanese man, but that custom orders are available.

Beat up your #58 Jimmy Johnson fan neighbor in THIS. Go all Samurai on his motherfucking ass. I bet that son of a bitch takes that flag BACK in the house, right before the cops come to arrest the best work-related joke they'll have for the YEAR

.8. John Deere GOLD Plow City Tractor Set

Price: $1,750.00

Since you're going all out on the armor, why not throw down a little more. These GOLD John Deere toys are not only NOT actually gold, despite their awe-inspiring appearance, they do NOT actually cue a chorus of angels when you open the box.

9. Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant - 55 Gallon

Price: $1,495.00

I put this in the men's section on purpose. Group man sex is the only way I can possibly justify the necessity of this much lube at one time. This has to be an environmental hazard and dangerous to transport.